Some days, I struggle to keep my head above water. Some
days, it seems easier to just let myself sink. I’ve never let myself sink to
the bottom, who knows it might be a wondrous world of mermaids and lost cities
but I might get stuck there. I might go native and never return.
Instead I force myself to fight. I swallow water sometimes.
I try to float sometimes to give my muscles a rest. I brawl it out to keep
going and I hope that one day I’ll find land. That someday there will be a
purpose to my struggles. I hope it comes before I am too water logged; before I
can no longer keep my head up. I’ve decided I don’t want to know what’s at the
bottom, or more importantly what I will become at the bottom.
There are a lot of stress factors in my life right now. We
moved from Washington, where we had a lot of family support, some great friends
and a pretty good life to California where family is spread out, friends are
few and far between and our life hit the reset button. We moved here because my
husband got out of the Navy and took a job with a civilian company. We moved
here because we thought it was best for us. I haven’t seen my husband except
for the weekends since we moved here. He’s been in Santa Barbara (too far for
him to commute daily), Phoenix, Las Vegas and Pennsylvania. It has left me
struggling to unpack the house by myself. Struggling to tie up loose ends, find
vets, doctors, pharmacies and all the other little things that make up, LIFE. I
don’t understand the point of moving if they are just going to fly him to
different places every week. To add to the stress of moving not only was a
bunch of our stuff delivered damaged, but we rescued a puppy. This puppy is
supposed to be for my husband who has never had a dog of his own. Unfortunately,
he’s in Pennsylvania the week we brought her home and now I am stuck unpacking
and house training a new dog. He comes
back for less than 48 hours then flies to San Francisco. For the entire month
of April he will be in San Diego. I will get to see him on the weekends. I feel
like I have partial custody with my husband and his new job. I don’t even get
him in the mornings or evenings, just weekends, when he’s so exhausted from
traveling I feel bad asking him for help.
I wish I could say the stress ended there. During the 3 days
I took off for my husband and I to move to California my job got restructured.
My department was completely eliminated. I was absorbed into a different department
and was giving a multitude of new tasks and very little time or training. I’m trying
to adjust to my new role and hoping upon hope that I don’t get fired. Everyday
it’s a new set of fears and I’m struggling to adapt. I’m not as knowledgeable
as people think I am in the tasks and I am really just trying to take deep
breaths and calm down.
The job shift did not afford us more income, but it also didn't grant us less. That being said the move took a major toll on our fiances and I was already in debt but now even with saving up for the move it's more so. Tim is no better off. Here's the fact people, after taxes I make $2000/month that is it. That is what I'm working with. It could be worse but it is what it is. We are painfully struggling under the weight of bills, debt, car and pet registrations and other moving expenses.
The job shift did not afford us more income, but it also didn't grant us less. That being said the move took a major toll on our fiances and I was already in debt but now even with saving up for the move it's more so. Tim is no better off. Here's the fact people, after taxes I make $2000/month that is it. That is what I'm working with. It could be worse but it is what it is. We are painfully struggling under the weight of bills, debt, car and pet registrations and other moving expenses.
All of these issues have caused massive weight gain. I’m a very
healthy person I try to stay active I’ve kind of dropped off with running but I
did join a gym and I take several classes there a week. I take long 3+ mile
walks daily with the dogs and I eat well. It’s very frustrating that the one
thing I can control, my diet and exercise is making me feel out of control. I
don’t really care much about losing weight anymore I did for a while. I tried
eating more, eating less, more cardio, less cardio, more strength training,
changing my routine, varying my workouts combining my workouts and not a pound
was lost nor inches nor did I gain muscle. This has been over the past YEAR. So
I quit trying to lose weight because obviously it wasn’t happening but to gain
weight infuriates me. I love working out. I like to sweat, it’s cleansing, I
feel amazing afterwards and I push myself, hard but my clothes don’t fit and my
muscles aren’t defined.
It’s very easy for me to let myself sink right now. I don’t
see my husband; I don’t see friends or family. I don’t know what is going on
with my job. I don’t know what is going on with my body. Our new addition is
not house broken and unpacking is a nightmare. Somehow though, through all of
this I’ll keep my head up and persevere despite my exhaustion, my frustrations
and my pain. I’ll keep looking for land. My life is not calm. My life is not
okay. I am very upset and cry daily. However, I am trying and I am doing what I
can. It’s not satisfactory but it’s tolerable I have a husband and a job and 2
dogs. That’s better than some. I’m holding on, I’m treading water, I’m surviving
in the hope that one day it will be worth it one day things will make sense,
things will come together things will be better. They’ll never be perfect but I
live for better. It would be so easy to give up, but life has never been easy for
me, why should it start now?
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