Call Me a Loser Because I Can't Win

First world problems? Sure. I am grateful I have a job and a job that allows me to work from home. I’m grateful for my loving husband. This is where my gratitude ends. I’ve had it with my efforts. I’m not normally a quitter. In fact, I preserver where many tell me to turn back, give up, let go.

I have met my wall. The move to California has won. I have been sick since I got here which has severely limited my physical abilities/activities. I haven’t gotten a good night sleep in weeks thanks to waking up every hour with a coughing spell or having Duke puke or the puppy use the carpeted floor as it’s personal bathroom. My husband is gone pretty much continuously. I get him on the weekends (sometimes).  I unpacked the house alone. I’m housebreaking a puppy alone. I’m exploring our area alone. Over the past 2 months I have gained 10 pounds, been mostly bed ridden, learned essentially a new job and found out California takes most of my paycheck.

This week is coming to a close, I get paid on Friday. I finally went to the doctor about my never ending illness. He provided a laundry list of suggestions, medications, etc. I can’t afford to do any of that until I get paid. I can’t even afford groceries to get me though the week. I had to ask Tim to transfer $20 into my bank account to cover the gas I put in my car. And he’s also stretching pennies so it’s not just me playing the penniless fiddle.

This is what California has done to me: Given me an endless supply of allergies acerbated by the dry air, take away most of my paycheck so that I am now trying to find a second job, take away my husband, added a puppy that will not be housebroken, changed my job requiring new training, weight gain and let’s see is there anything I’m missing oh yes, taken me away from a great establishment of friends and family.

Sure the sun is out but I’d trade it to be able to afford groceries, medications and gas any day of the week. I know this is a woe’s me post. I know I’m sharing too much. Oh no Leila is being open with feelings. Get over it. Writing is my outlet; if you can’t handle my misery then don’t read it. This isn’t a pity party this is me giving up, which I NEVER DO but I am so tired and sick and upset. So I’m done, I’m retiring. No more Leila to kick around. I’m going to disappear, buckle down. I’m going to focus on me so I don’t get sucked into a black hole. I’m bowing out of humanity until I can see the good in myself again. If you see this as me saying I'm killing myself then you're an idiot. I'm just going to be ex-communication until I can find my bearing again.

I’m waving my white flag, you win California, enjoy picking the flesh from my carcass. Let my bones bleach in the desert.