I had been just adding what I've learned to the list of her monthly
lessons. However, this past month has seen a huge shift and it deserves
it's own post.
I am awful at being a mother. Allow me to explain.
I pre-make my child's formula bottles.
Why? Because I can never get the powder to break up and I find if it
sits awhile it tends to mix easier. Also, when my child is even remotely
bordering on hungry she screams, bloody murder, continuously until she
is fed. It's easier for me to heat up a bottle in 35 seconds then sit
there stirring, stirring, stirring while my child is screaming,
screaming, screaming.
I microwave my child's bottles. I never did
it when it was breast milk but for formula bottles, yes. I used to heat
them up on a stove but after a bottle melting incident it's just been
our low powered microwave.
I heat up my entire child's bottle in the microwave.
That's right nipple and all. It's never melted in fact no one ever told
me you were supposed to disassemble a bottle to heat it up. That's
totally on me though, right?
My child will drink a formula bottle that's been out of the fridge for up to 3 hours.
Really? Some magical fairy is going to turn the formula bottle bad in
exactly 60 minutes? Nope, she's eaten probably gross old formula bottles
and has yet to have gotten sick from it. When you end up somehow
passing out with your child and you wake up 2 hours later with them
clutching your pretty much dry boobs, it's either get out of bed which,
that 2 hours is the most sleep you've gotten in awhile or give her the
rest of the bottle you used to put her down. I choose bottle.
Sometimes we have formula bottles in the fridge that are more than 24 hours old. Blasphemy,
I know. Formula is expensive. If you think I'm going to dump $5 down
the drain because it's been sitting in a cold fridge for 36 hours
instead of 24 hours, you're wrong.
I kept her in her infant car seat until she reached the weight limit.
I know, I'm the worst. You know what I did this morning. I tried to
adjust the straps on her convertible car seat. You know what ended up
happening? Both my child and I cried. Her from begin tired and me from
being confused with blistered fingers. I have the instructions. I
followed them. You have to pop up the seat part like the fucking hood of
a car. I officially hate car seats. Want to know why Nene and I haven't
been to visit our family in Seattle yet? It's because no one has a car
seat we can borrow. The thought of being in the airport pick up lane
installing and adjusting a car seat sounds like honestly the worst time a
person can have. Her infant "bucket" car seat was easy, compact and
simple. The heavy duty convertible one makes me feel like I'm a fucking
idiot.
Some days she has A LOT of screen time. I have major stuff
I need to get done - school work, contract work, house work. There are
just days I need an hour maybe 2 where she's not clinging to me like the
sinking ship I am.
I have yelled at her. I felt awful the minute I
do it but I get fed up and frustrated and I scream and I'm working on
not doing that. I'm working on silent screaming.
We still use a baby bjorn. yadda yadda hips yadda yadda baby wearing yadda yadda. It's easy. It's comfortable.
It
is for all these reasons that I know I make a truly awful mother.
However, my kid is very much alive, extremely healthy and hitting all of
her milestones perfectly. Rolled over at 4 months, crawled at 5 months
and is now walking at 11 months. She likes to look at books I read her
at least 3 a day. We go to the park once a day. She's happy, she's
healthy and I'm awful for it.
There are several times a day I regret becoming a parent.
There are several times a day I couldn't imagine being anything other
than Nene's mother. However there are moments - when she has a cold, is
teething and won't stop crying - where I seriously doubt that I have
done the right thing in my life. These moments are quickly overshadowed
by sublimely blissful moments when my child talks gibberish to me with a
smile or walks for the first time or snuggles close to me. It doesn't
mean those regretful moments don't exist. I have spent hours in my
bathroom or car ugly crying while my child sleeps. I have been
frustrated and upset and depressed.
You are not going to please everyone all the time.
Advice and offenses keep rolling in. It doesn't matter how old your kid
gets there's always going to be something you're doing wrong. Or
someone to tell you there's a better way to do it. There's always going
to be family who gets upset, who feels slighted. I might have been
misleading. I do have family somewhat close by I have a cousin, his wife
and their 2-year-old in Orange, CA about 40 minutes away without
traffic/hour and a half with traffic. I have an aunt and uncle that live
in Oceanside, CA about an hour and a half away without traffic maybe
2-3 hours with heavy traffic. I do love this family, I've gone to
several dinners at my cousin's house in Orange and an overnight trip
with Nene in Oceanside. My cousin has his own little one and I know
children are children and require a lot of work, attention and energy.
My aunt and uncle would have to drive 2 hours to get to our house, not
really the easiest feat. When I say I miss my family and I don't have
anyone close by, what I mean is, it's just Tim and I with the
day-to-day. So to people I have offended with my comments, notes on
parenting or frustrations where I lash out, I'm sorry.
I Don't Know How Stay At Home Moms Do It.
I've been with my daughter day in and day out for 5 weeks. I'm finding
when I spend at least a few hours a day away from my kids holy moly do I
appreciate my time with her a lot more. I don't know how you stay at
home moms do it without losing it a bit. Kudos.
Being a Parent Is Hard.
I think initially every new parent doesn't realize The Change that
comes with having a kid. When they're still baking, you make yourself
all these promises. Tell yourself it's not going to change you but it
does. Life changes in so many ways. It's beautiful, depressing, amazing,
gross and frustrating. These first 11 months I thought I could turn it
around. Clearly, by the time she's a year I would have lost all my baby
weight (nah, I'm still gaining). I would be back into my fitness (I'm
exhausted). I'd be able to hang out with friends again (as long as
they're okay with me being an hour late to everything). I thought by the
time she was a year old life would be settled or almost back to normal.
Instead, my husband and I take turns "representing the couple" at
friend's events. A lot of what we get invited to isn't baby friendly. We
find ourselves weighing the costs of things - dinner, movie and a sitter
or event and a sitter or tickets, parking and a sitter. If we do make
it to something we have to keep in mind the cost of having someone watch
our kid. There's also the fact I will text them mercilessly about my
kid.
I Absolutely Hate Missing Bed Time. I don't
know what it is or when that started to happen. But Nene and I have a
pretty good bedtime routine and when I miss it I get really sad about
it. Some weird thing where I want to be the last person she sees. I want
to hold her and she falls asleep. I want to make sure she's equal parts
tired and full but not too full.
Milestones Brings Challenges.
Nene is cutting her 3rd and 4th tooth, she's walking more and more.
She's eating solids more and more. It's great. I actually like her being
on 2 legs. She's much too fast as a crawler (though I know that soon
she'll be a much too fast walker/runner). With these awesome advances
comes sleeping issues, projectile vomiting, attitude and a level of
insane helicopter moming I'm not comfortable with. At first, I thought
her vomiting was something wrong with her until I had other moms say
their kid did it too and it's a phase. She's not upset before or after
the vomiting but she will vomit... a lot and then be fine. She's also an
extreme sassy pants. It's frustrating and also funny. She's a lot like
me and all I can think is
I'm such a dick.
Shopping For a Little Girl is The Funnest. I
really wanted a boy. I'm one of 4 girls and I really wanted a boy. I'm
so glad I got a girl. The clothes! THE CLOTHES!!! The ponytails and
tutus. I'm in cuteness overload and I didn't even think I'd be so into
this.
Baby Gibberish is my New Favorite Language. Though
not romantic, baby gibberish is the cutest language ever. She will sit
down, open a book and pretend read (usually while the book is upside
down) and it is hilarious, adorable and makes my heart all mushy.
You Do You. They'll Do Them. My
kid is a water baby. Fanatical about water and swings and dogs but
mostly water. I've started always carrying a spare outfit (often times
2). If it's not the water, it's the dirt. If It's not the dirt, it's the
food. If It's not the food, it's something else equally messy and
funny. I love that she explores and I let her. I showed her how to get
off the couch and bed safely. I watch her a lot but she's curious and so
I let her touch ALL THE THINGS. I let her play in water, pick up dirt,
throw food. Be a kid. Is it more work for me? Yep. But I have found that
though there's bits of me in her, she's a creature all her own. I can't
make her be me, she's already LIKE me. She's going to figure things out
and develop her own likes and dislikes. It's my job to make sure she's
safe, healthy and eventually respectful. Right now though, I'm trying to
rediscover myself. Life after a baby is different but I've found I need
to stick with the things that I enjoy. I can't lose myself entirely in
the baby. It's not fair to her and it's not fair to me. She deserves
better. I'm working on me with a baby on my hip. I'm re-discovering my
passions. I'm falling back in love with myself. I love her so much but I
need to love myself too.