Military Spouse

I am a military spouse two times over. I have dealt with not seeing a loved one for long periods of time. I have felt my heart race while standing in a crowd of hundreds, eagerly awaiting the bus to unload or the plane to arrive. I have wept with gratitude for the return of my loved one. I have written thousands of letters and emails to those missing from my life. I know what it means to be a military spouse but I also know what it means to be me.

It does take a special breed to be a military spouse. That is absolute truth. It is long months with no contact and never knowing. You spend holidays alone and intimacy is forgotten. Their schedules are erratic at best. You learn really weird acronyms that hold no place in your interactions with people who aren’t connected to the military. While being a military spouse takes a lot from someone, it is not what defines me.

My spouse’s career is not the center of my life. Yes, it dictates a lot of what we can and cannot do and I am extremely proud of my husband and all the men and women who serve in the armed forces. However, I am a wife and my husband is in the military. I am my husband’s direct support system. Being in the military comes with an entire set of rules; it comes with a code of conduct. In my first marriage, I learned a lot of useless things that does not translate to non-military life. For instance, I learned my actions in public directly reflect my husband. That means if I act a fool in public and people can figure out who my husband is, he could get in trouble. I learned that while my husband is in uniform I walk on his left side and we link arms instead of hold hands. I learned that if your grandfather was a “high up” officer in the military that Marines will salute your car because of its military sticker. I was proud of these things I learned. It made me feel connected; it made me feel a part of the military. But, I never enlisted; I never signed my life away for an allotted number of years. This was not *MY* life these are just rules that I had to follow because of my husband’s life.

Being in the military is an honorable thing, you are a great asset to America and I will support you best that I can. When I was young during my first marriage (I was married at 18) I was very into my husband’s career. I used the term “married to the Corps” because I rarely saw him. The first year of our marriage I spent maybe 3 months with him. Due to the Stop Loss, he re-enlisted and didn’t deploy for long periods of time anymore just a month or two here and there several weeks in the field and duty. His schedule was irregular and as I grew into myself the Marine Corps became less and less important to me. As my husband and I grew apart I began to see the military for what it was in regards to marriage. It was a difficult life that challenges you in every way conceivable. 

Enlisting in the military is a choice, just as marriage is a choice. I have chosen to love and honor my husband, to stand by his side through thick and thin. I hold no such loyalties to the military. It doesn’t mean I am any less grateful or any less proud. It doesn’t mean I don’t support my husband, I don’t cry when he leaves or that I am “okay” with deployments. I am a woman who is very much in love and very proud of her spouse regardless of his career.

In December, my husband will be getting out of the Navy. While a part of me is hesitant of this decision because of the economy, I love my husband and will love him no matter what his profession. If I made enough to carry the bulk of the bacon, I would happily make him a stay at home dad. As a happy, loving wife I could not conceive of forcing my husband into a uniform. I would never want my husband to feel trapped in a job or a career simply because I wanted him to or because he feels it’s the only option. The downfalls of him getting out are we lose out on a pretty hefty “re-enlistment bonus,” we lose amazing medical care and we count our pennies. All of this is inconsequential to my husband’s happiness and how his happiness will infect me.

This time next year we may be living out of his mom’s house in Boston but at least my husband won’t be out to sea with no communication for 3 months and at least at the end of the day he can smile and know that his wife loves him and trusts him and will be by his side no matter what wicked things may come.