I feel it is okay to have a day. Whether it’s a day to yourself
or to be sad, happy, to reconnect with nature, to eat a pint of ice cream, to
sleep, to drink till you forget, the list continues. It’s okay to have a day.
Don’t beat yourself up. Don’t regret your day; don’t be upset that you had it.
I am many things – Awesome, fragile, loving, supportive,
petty, funny, smart, stupid, beautiful, etc., etc. I’m not one thing. I am a
writer simply because it’s in my heart. Do I get published or even write much
anymore, nope. Would I like to, yep but I’m not going to be upset with myself because
of my time restrictions or lack of motivation. I can’t be mad at me all the
time. Recently it’s been drawn to my attention that I am apparently a
photographer too, though I am very, very hesitant to say that. I know many
photographers and I by no means can compete with them but I am selling prints
of my scenery so I guess I have to accept that I am what I am and that’s all that
I am. I am a hula dancer. This I can say confidently. I’ve dance with 3 halaus
and 1 group spanning 14 years. I am not a kumu, I would like to be someday,
though. I’m just a little brown girl in a little grass skirt in love with my
culture, my heritage and the graceful beauty that is hula dancing. I am a
runner. No explanation needed, I hope. It took many people to make me realize
what I am, what I have the potential to be and what I need to appreciate about
myself.
My day today is a pitiful one. My husband and I just moved
to California from Washington leaving behind, for me friendships that I cannot
replace. Today he leaves for a 2-day trip. I’m alone with my dog in a house
full of boxes. I miss my friends, my Washington sunrises, my husband and my
crafts. There is the crushing weight of defeat pressing down on me today. This
move was stressful our stuff got thrashed in the move, our financial situation
is nonexistent, my job got reformed and I was fearing I’d lose it, there was a
lot that went into this move. To top it off the move made running sort of null
and void for a while and I find myself starting from scratch. Slowly building
up my endurance again. My wrist and left hip are both damaged. Hula dancing is
on the back burner as is photography. Writing has been on the back burner since
2006.
I feel off track, disassembled, lost. I’m allowing these
feelings. I’m letting them happen. I’m letting them wash over me. I’m allowing
all the fear, guilt, sadness and pain soak in through my skin. I’m giving
myself this day because I know tomorrow is a new day. One where if I need to I
will list the benefits of this move. Life is interesting it pulls a lot of
magic tricks, a lot of suspense, a lot of pit falls. Give yourself a day to
appreciate what you are truly feeling. Let it be one day, then wash that day
right out of your hair and send it down the drain.
Something I wrote (somewhat) recently:
One of my favorite Photos I've ever taken:
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