The Reality of the Situation

My mind played a dirty trick on me. A few nights ago, I had a very vivid dream where Tim and I found out we were pregnant and we were trying to decide how to tell our loved ones. We were happy. When I woke up it was evident this was not the situation. The next day was followed by granny panties and a strong need for chocolate, reaffirming the no-baby situation.

I understand a lot of couples don’t want babies or are grateful for that monthly reminder that they are in fact baby free. I used to be excited about that too. Until I was diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome. Until I was told odds of me conceiving are silm. Until that option of having kids was taken from me.

My husband and I have been attempting this whole “let’s start a family” thing for well over a year. We’ve faced a lot of hardships in that year. To the people who get knocked up on the first try or within the first month, fuck you. Fuck you in your happy fucking faces. I know I’m not the only woman who faces this. Who weeps when she gets her period or feels a pain in her chest when she sees people with strollers. I know. I know it’s not just me. To all my friends pregnant or with newborns, trust me I don’t hate you, I just wish I was you. It’s just tough for me to see the pictures of your babies. To hear the antidotes. To know all the ins and outs of your pregnancy. It’s hard. It’s really, really hard.  To be honest it’s like a slap in the face. But at the same time I can’t stop looking at your pregnant bellies and your baby pictures. It’s a very painful addiction. I know I comment on all your photos and like all your statuses  and seem really interactive and I am genuinely happy for you. It’s a punch in the guts. Your children are all so beautiful. I will never stop admiring your children and commenting on your statuses.

There are couples who have tried for a lot longer than Tim and I. There are couples who have tried everything. We’re new to this. We’re new to the feeling and the understanding that pregnancy is not an easy, automatic gift.  That the equation isn’t always first comes love then comes marriage then comes a baby in a baby carriage. Sometimes it’s  love and marriage and an empty carriage.  Or love only. Or dogs. Or cats. Or nothing at all. And that’s okay. That’s life. It’s no one’s fault. It’s no one’s responsibilities. It’s no one’s defect. It’s just life.

To those with children, I don’t think you’re lucky or blessed or favored. I think you’re a family, same as mine. I think you’re happy, same as mine and I think you’re grateful for them. 

Being the Brown Sheep

I’m an Arciero girl. To you, that means nothing. In my family, it's like a scarlet A. I'm not the black sheep of my sisters, not by a long shot. In all actuality, I'm not convinced any of the Arciero girls are even a white sheep. Maybe Nani. Probably Nani. It's Nani. I'm the brown sheep. Maybe I'm spotted. Maybe I'm a swirl. Either way, odds are stacked up against me. I was a horrible teen who made a lot of mistakes. I pulled away from all forms of religion. I lost my mother, I had a miscarriage, a drug addiction, I got married at 18 and I put all of this dirty laundry out over the interwebs. I'm easily visible to my family. I'm easily accessible and I'm very easily judged.

I take this with a grain of salt. I’m not willing to pull back on my writing, my “public-ness.” I'm not willing to change who I am to appeal to my family. I’m not Catholic. I curse a lot. I struggle. I complain. I've done horrible things in my past. Family sometimes doesn't hear the last three words of that last sentence. IN MY PAST.  My past is not who I am. It shaped me, it guided me but it doesn't dictate the person I am today. My life experiences were hard. I was scared, unsure, confused, lost.  I was lost. I made decisions based on passion and random actions. I WAS A TEENAGER. Yes, I got married at 18 but it allowed me a lot of insight and it helped me refocus my life. I graduated from college with an associate's and a bachelor's degree. I graduated magna cum laude. I’m the only Arciero girl to move off the island of Oahu. I'm the only Arciero girl who tries her best not to ask her dad for money (he’s buying me a plane ticket home for Thanksgiving). I’m trying my best. I do what I can and I am a good person. I’m a caring person. I’m a loving person.

The trail of lives I've touched ALL OVER THE UNITED STATES shows me, and no one else, that I am good because these people are good. I hold my friends a lot closer than some of my family. I am extremely close to some of my family members and I am grateful for that. For the ones who judge me on my past and not my efforts for my future, they aren't taking the time to know me. To understand me. To allow me to make mistakes. To see why I am public, why I need to hammer these words out on a keyboard. I love my family unconditionally but I love myself more. If you have issues with my life, my beliefs, my actions or reactions: talk to me privately or better yet don’t tell me. Those issues are yours I have my own issues and my family shouldn't be one of them. I make my dad proud. I make my Tutu (grandmother) proud. I love my baby sister deeply. Their views of me are the only ones that concern me. 

All I am is a reflection of the lives I've entwined. I’m a tree, growing near a calm lake. There are storms. There is rain. There are droughts. There is sunshine. My branches grow far. I've got vines, bird nests, even a spot in my chest for squirrels. I'm taking in the bad and trying to put out the good. I've worked hard to grow this tall. I won’t be cut down. I'm an Arciero girl. 

My Tutu is 92 in this picture. 

A Day

I feel it is okay to have a day. Whether it’s a day to yourself or to be sad, happy, to reconnect with nature, to eat a pint of ice cream, to sleep, to drink till you forget, the list continues. It’s okay to have a day. Don’t beat yourself up. Don’t regret your day; don’t be upset that you had it.

I am many things – Awesome, fragile, loving, supportive, petty, funny, smart, stupid, beautiful, etc., etc. I’m not one thing. I am a writer simply because it’s in my heart. Do I get published or even write much anymore, nope. Would I like to, yep but I’m not going to be upset with myself because of my time restrictions or lack of motivation. I can’t be mad at me all the time. Recently it’s been drawn to my attention that I am apparently a photographer too, though I am very, very hesitant to say that. I know many photographers and I by no means can compete with them but I am selling prints of my scenery so I guess I have to accept that I am what I am and that’s all that I am. I am a hula dancer. This I can say confidently. I’ve dance with 3 halaus and 1 group spanning 14 years. I am not a kumu, I would like to be someday, though. I’m just a little brown girl in a little grass skirt in love with my culture, my heritage and the graceful beauty that is hula dancing. I am a runner. No explanation needed, I hope. It took many people to make me realize what I am, what I have the potential to be and what I need to appreciate about myself.

My day today is a pitiful one. My husband and I just moved to California from Washington leaving behind, for me friendships that I cannot replace. Today he leaves for a 2-day trip. I’m alone with my dog in a house full of boxes. I miss my friends, my Washington sunrises, my husband and my crafts. There is the crushing weight of defeat pressing down on me today. This move was stressful our stuff got thrashed in the move, our financial situation is nonexistent, my job got reformed and I was fearing I’d lose it, there was a lot that went into this move. To top it off the move made running sort of null and void for a while and I find myself starting from scratch. Slowly building up my endurance again. My wrist and left hip are both damaged. Hula dancing is on the back burner as is photography. Writing has been on the back burner since 2006.

I feel off track, disassembled, lost. I’m allowing these feelings. I’m letting them happen. I’m letting them wash over me. I’m allowing all the fear, guilt, sadness and pain soak in through my skin. I’m giving myself this day because I know tomorrow is a new day. One where if I need to I will list the benefits of this move. Life is interesting it pulls a lot of magic tricks, a lot of suspense, a lot of pit falls. Give yourself a day to appreciate what you are truly feeling. Let it be one day, then wash that day right out of your hair and send it down the drain.

Something I wrote (somewhat) recently:

Other People

One of my favorite Photos I've ever taken:

Halloweenie

Little Leila as a Witch!

I couldn’t imagine the fall season passing by without the joys of Halloween. As a kid every year for Halloween my neighborhood would have all the costumed kids start at one end of our main street and we would parade, with the high school marching band leading the way, to a party house.  Once we reached the party house there’d be food and festivities – bobbing for apples, hot apple cider, pumpkin carving. It was some of the best memories of my life. My mother would make all our costumes from scratch and we spent just as much time as a family, carving pumpkins and trick-or-treating as we did with any other holiday.

It bugs me, personally, when people prevent their kids from partaking in the dress up, fantasy and family time that IS Halloween. I understand some people do it for religious reasons, which I find a little ridiculous. Halloween is in no way a religious holiday I think the closest it has to being religious is All Saints Day and Day of the Dead. Both are rooted in Catholicism, not “Satan worshiping.” Halloween is in no way a devil-worshipping, sacrificial, bringing the dead to life celebration. It’s rooted in a million myths and beliefs but it is not a religious holiday. While were on it, technically, neither is Thanksgiving. Think about it you think the Native Americans who joined in that meal understood who the pale skins god was? No? Thanksgiving to me is a time to come together and be grateful for one another, not necessary to be thankful to an almighty entity.

No one said you have to join in the haunted houses mayhem that is plentiful during the celebration. Carve happy faces in your pumpkin instead of a scary one.  I understand if you want to keep your kids away from the terrifying parts of Halloween, sure. Then do that, but there is no reason you have to cut out the fun holiday fully. If your child wants to spend time with her friends and dress up as a princess, is that wrong? Isn’t that what she does during her imaginary tea parties? Except on this day she can go out and be rewarded for her fantastical costume and adorableness.  I had friends as a kid who had diabetes and they would go trick or treating and sell their candy to their parents – Ha!

Our carvings 2011

Bottom line: I am in love with Halloween it has always been a time of the year where the temperature cools and family time begins (next in line – Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years all big family celebrations). Halloween is a celebration of harvesting and ushering in the winter. It’s when the leaves change colors and you can wear that awesome scarf again. Whenever my husband and I have kids, you better believe if they come to me with their big beautiful eyes and ask me if they could please be a fairy for  Halloween and go trick-or-treating, I will buy a sewing machine and get on it. I will not push Halloween on my children. I don’t think any of our lifestyles should be pushed on our children. If I, as a meat eater, discover my child doesn’t like meat, guess what? I’m not going to tell them they can’t leave the table until they eat their meat. If Halloween scares my child I will not force them to participate. But if my child comes to me excited and sees and grows from my Halloween enthusiasm, I’m running out and buying more pumpkins.

DIY to Death

My wedding was awesome and the main contributing factor was I had so much help. From the invitations to the flowers, I relied heavily on friends and family to produce my dream wedding. If it wasn’t for my friends and family pitching in to help out I can’t imagine how much this wedding would have cost. If you have friends or family with a talent, even if it’s a talent for something small like making paper hearts, use them. As long as they’re willing to do it, use them. Use them all.

The bouquets

Our Custom Wine Bottle

My friend, who is a graphic designer created our invitations (which were nerdy, awesome and perfect). My cousin was my wedding planner and kept me on point for some of the more major timelines.  My stepsister was my florist and the flowers were some of the most amazing bouquets I’ve ever seen.  My auntie was my event planner and handled all the food, linens, plates, set up, break down, fight, fight, fight. My father made my wedding arch and had a hook up for the Orchid plants for the centerpieces and even re-built the fence at his house for the reception so everything was as beautiful as possible. Another friend of the family made custom wine bottles for the centerpieces. Our officiant was my high school guidance counselor. Our venue was our neighbor’s house. Two of my closest friends flew from North Carolina to Hawaii to do hair, makeup and photography. My stepmother got lohala fans for the ceremony and my sister (maid-of-honor) tagged along for all my last minute errands. My dress was even bought from a second hand dress shop called Off The Rack Bridal in Silverdale, WA.

Honestly if you have anyone at all willing to be at your mercy and help you would with any aspect of the wedding, don’t hesitate, take advantage. Even if they just do handmade paper hears use it as decorations for the tables or as confetti for the walk back down the aisle. Even if your friends know someone who knows someone it will all work to make the wedding more personable and especially affordable.

Our Reception

I didn’t have, well, any money to provide for this wedding it was only though my family (new and original) that Tim and I were able to have this beautiful wedding in Hawaii. It was amazing, between the ceremony on the ocean at sunset and the reception at the same location as my parents, I would never have wanted or asked for anything else. I am grateful and astounded at all the help I received from family and friends alike to put on this wedding. From my beautiful hair being styled and dye purple by one of the only people I will ever entrust my hair, to my snazzy purple wedge heels my mother-in-law bought me,  I was a happy DIY bride.

Our Ceremony Site