Being the Brown Sheep

I’m an Arciero girl. To you, that means nothing. In my family, it's like a scarlet A. I'm not the black sheep of my sisters, not by a long shot. In all actuality, I'm not convinced any of the Arciero girls are even a white sheep. Maybe Nani. Probably Nani. It's Nani. I'm the brown sheep. Maybe I'm spotted. Maybe I'm a swirl. Either way, odds are stacked up against me. I was a horrible teen who made a lot of mistakes. I pulled away from all forms of religion. I lost my mother, I had a miscarriage, a drug addiction, I got married at 18 and I put all of this dirty laundry out over the interwebs. I'm easily visible to my family. I'm easily accessible and I'm very easily judged.

I take this with a grain of salt. I’m not willing to pull back on my writing, my “public-ness.” I'm not willing to change who I am to appeal to my family. I’m not Catholic. I curse a lot. I struggle. I complain. I've done horrible things in my past. Family sometimes doesn't hear the last three words of that last sentence. IN MY PAST.  My past is not who I am. It shaped me, it guided me but it doesn't dictate the person I am today. My life experiences were hard. I was scared, unsure, confused, lost.  I was lost. I made decisions based on passion and random actions. I WAS A TEENAGER. Yes, I got married at 18 but it allowed me a lot of insight and it helped me refocus my life. I graduated from college with an associate's and a bachelor's degree. I graduated magna cum laude. I’m the only Arciero girl to move off the island of Oahu. I'm the only Arciero girl who tries her best not to ask her dad for money (he’s buying me a plane ticket home for Thanksgiving). I’m trying my best. I do what I can and I am a good person. I’m a caring person. I’m a loving person.

The trail of lives I've touched ALL OVER THE UNITED STATES shows me, and no one else, that I am good because these people are good. I hold my friends a lot closer than some of my family. I am extremely close to some of my family members and I am grateful for that. For the ones who judge me on my past and not my efforts for my future, they aren't taking the time to know me. To understand me. To allow me to make mistakes. To see why I am public, why I need to hammer these words out on a keyboard. I love my family unconditionally but I love myself more. If you have issues with my life, my beliefs, my actions or reactions: talk to me privately or better yet don’t tell me. Those issues are yours I have my own issues and my family shouldn't be one of them. I make my dad proud. I make my Tutu (grandmother) proud. I love my baby sister deeply. Their views of me are the only ones that concern me. 

All I am is a reflection of the lives I've entwined. I’m a tree, growing near a calm lake. There are storms. There is rain. There are droughts. There is sunshine. My branches grow far. I've got vines, bird nests, even a spot in my chest for squirrels. I'm taking in the bad and trying to put out the good. I've worked hard to grow this tall. I won’t be cut down. I'm an Arciero girl. 

My Tutu is 92 in this picture. 

I AM A PERSON

Often times, I feel because I hold no religion I am overlooked, not heard and especially disregarded. It’s as though my views, morals and beliefs are easily dismissed simply because I do not follow God, Christ, Buddha, Allah, the Flying Spaghetti Monster or any other form of religion. I have been told because I have no religion, that my moral compass is corrupt, my children will be raised wild and (oddly enough) I worship Satan. First things first, if I worshiped Satan that would be a religion and it would be a religion based on the bible.

Here is the thing about me: I hold no religion but I do have faith, morals and beliefs. I have faith in myself and the goodness I give and hope to receive from others. I believe that we should do onto others and we would have them do onto ourselves. I was raised catholic and while my faith and beliefs may be rooted in that my branches have grown far from it. I am not a kind person to please some unseen entity. I am a kind, caring and loving person because I believe the good you send out will come back. I am the person I am to be a good person, not to be rewarded or receive enlightenment. I give penance for any of my wrong actions and I am always quick to apologize for my short temper, short comings or short jokes. I say “Thank You,” “Please,” and “You’re Welcome” as often as I say hello.  

I believe every person deserves love and respect and a second chance. I believe in equal rights, equal pay and being allowed to do with your body what you wish. I have studied many religions and read the bible cover to cover several times. I often believe sometimes it takes more strength to follow something bigger than oneself. However, when that following leads to bigotry, sexism, exclusion and hate. I simply can’t believe that is the path chosen by your higher entity or one that I will ever personally take.

I am no moral judge and juror, no one should be. I don’t care what you do within the law. Drink a big gulp of soda, order a big mac, stockpile guns, worship your entity, and declare your love in public. You are entitled to do what makes you happy and I will never deny someone the right to be happy even if I don’t agree with it. All of this being said everything is a two way street. I will never judge you but I know others judge me for my lack of religion, my tattoos heck even using birth control and while I know I am judged I know I also can’t change someone’s mind about me. Someone who judges is someone who will stick to their original judgment, this much I know. Because I can’t change their mind, I don’t fight it or them. I let go and let love. Why waste the energy trying to change someone’s stubborn mind.

If you engage me I will talk and I will defend my beliefs, my morals and my faith just as any person with a religion would do. I am no different from someone with religion. We are all people trying to figure out our purpose and trying to survive.

For those who have expressed concern about raising a child without religion I want to assure you they will have faith. Faith that people (though rarely these days) all carry the seed of good. They will not hold hatred in their hearts. They will not see people as colors or gay or straight or male or female. They will, like me, know and understand that people are people no matter where you are and that being kind is a virtue, not chore. They will learn to be accepting of everyone and to listen and accept all religions. They will be citizens of the soul. My children (if I have any) will be sweet and loving and willing to help anyone and everyone just as I am. They will not be afraid to stand up for what they believe and what they think is right and while they are free to choose a religion of their own it will be their choice because religion is a personal choice and no one should be tried and hanged for any personal choice.