Allow Me to Explain

It was becoming my life’s motto. Allow me to explain why I don’t follow the career I want. Allow me to explain why I can’t afford to travel. Allow me to explain why I can’t go out with you to dinner. Allow me to explain why my shoes have holes and my pantry is empty and my bills are overdue. Sometimes there isn’t really an explanation it’s just a stall tactic to buy me some thinking time before the pity wave washed over me like warm piss. Often times, no one is judging me at all. In my mind, though, I read things that don’t exist. Every mouth twitch, every time someone looks away. I read into it what I secretly fear.

In truth, I shouldn’t have to explain any part of my life to anyone, including myself. I shouldn’t need to defend that I work sometimes 60 hours a week and still can’t pay my bills. I shouldn’t have to explain that while my life is not what I expected it doesn’t mean it’s not fulfilling. I don’t make a career with writing, like I always dreamed I would. I can’t afford the high quality products I want and in some cases need for health reasons. I work two jobs that are not fulfilling. My body is not physically where I’d like to see it. My diet is on occasion an oral exam on chemical warfare. My husband and I will probably not be able to have children. My home is in an almost constant state of half-done chores. There’s always dishes in the sink, piles of laundry, dirty carpeting, cobwebs, pet hair tumbleweeds, a ring around the tub. I mean really, I can continue.

At the end of the day, I’m still happy. Despite my bitching, my “first world problems,” my  menial complaints. I’m happy because I suck breath in and out. I have a loving husband. I have my ridiculous pets. I have my exercise keeping me sane. I have a house to go home to. I have friends who check in on me. I have a car almost fully paid off. I have a family.

If you are living the life you’ve always wanted, congratulations not everyone works hard enough to do so. I know I didn’t. I am scared of risks. I am scared of no safety nets. I am terrified of life a bit I suppose. I’m a person with an irrational fear of birds and doorknobs. I’m a person who builds ants to monsters in her mind. I’m a mad scientist with fears. Yes, I could abandon my ship and work hard to live the life I think I’m destined. Life is what you make of it. I’m happy where I am. I will always strive to be better. I will perpetually make excuses that never need to be uttered. Perhaps someday I will look at my successful, smart friends without envy but as equals. People work hard for their lives. They do all they can for what they have etched out in hard work, risks, dreams and love.

Let me explain why I’m okay. Let me explain why I love to laugh. Let me explain how much I love the sun. Let me explain why I’m great.

United We Stand Divided We Fall

America is a country divided, grown too big for it's britches. What once was a horrific event that bonded us as a nation is, 10 years later, a dividing rod. People dismissing the event as a conspiracy, dismissing the event all together, denying the lives lost any compensation.

It sickens me that we were all once so close and now we all can't even agree on the Pledge of Allegiance. That was the best part of my day as a kid. I would still be groggy, rubbing sleep from my eyes when we'd get to stand up, get the blood flowing and with our hands over our hearts, heads held high, eyes zeroed in on the American flag we would announce:

I pledge allegiance

To the flag

Of the United States of America

And to the Republic

For which it stands

One nation

Under God

Indivisible

With Liberty and justice for all.

I don't believe in God, sorry I was raised Catholic and rebelled. But I honestly don't take offense to the Pledge of Allegiance. You know why? Because it's history. I love history. I loved being a kid and being a part of something and I’m sad my kids won't have that connection. It would appear no American has that connection anymore. We are divided by the extremists and the crackpots, the devout and the anarchists, the elitists and the military. Our nation is a mess, tearing itself apart. We are divisible.

There is no unifying factor anymore. There is no one event, symbol or thought that will make people who recognize themselves as American stand up and take notice. A lot of people living in this country won't even recognize themselves as American. I doubt they'd stand up for the Anthem at a sports event and I'm doubtful children today even know the words or have any unifying connection to their country.

It's some weird Christianity effect. When the Christians were cornered by the Romans they would either deny their faith and live or stand up for their faith and die. I know a lot of people who travel to other countries and say they are Canadian instead of American to avoid the rolling eyes of other people.

How sad is that?

How sad is it to say you support our troops but want them home? That's an oxymoron. If you supported our troops you would support their endeavors. They are doing a job. A job they have to believe is good or else lose all hope. By demolishing what they are doing you are pulling the carpet out from under them. I support our troops, our police and our firefighters. I have been connected to various loved ones involved in all those veins of service.

I still don't understand why those who bang their drums and scream from the rooftops all that is wrong with this country won't move to another country. Armenia forces you into the military for 2 years if you're a male between 18-27 years old. Austria also makes it mandatory for males between 18-35 to serve in the military for a minimum of 6 months. Conscientious Objectors are not excused and must join the civilian service for 9 months minimum. Belarus requires men between the ages of 18-27 to serve for 18 months if they don't have higher education and 12 months if they do. Bermuda maintains it's local forces with a lottery of men between 18-32 who serve for 4 years. In beautiful Brazil you're required to serve 2 years of military service once you're a male who reaches the age of 18, granted there are a lot of exceptions to this rule. Columbia requires if you're a man between 18-24 that you serve 18 months, but you can also volunteer. In The Republic of Cyprus men aged 18-50 that are Greek Cypriot, Armenians, Latins and Maronites serve their country for 2 years and are forever considered reservists after their service. Conscientious Objectors can serve 33 months of unarmed army service or 38 months of community work. Denmark requires all able men usually between the ages 18-27 to serve for 4 months or longer though there are restrictions to this as well and men deemed fit can be called to service up until their 50^th birthday. Egypt requires men between 18-30 to serve in their military for anywhere from 14 to 36 months. If you go to college you can postpone your service until after but if you wait until you are 30 it's to late and you have to pay a fine. The only exempt are the only males in a family, males supporting their parents or males with dual citizenship. Greece has mandatory military service for 9 months for men, Conscientious Objectors serve for 42 months in civilian service. Iran requires men once they reach 16 to serve a minimum of 16 months depending on their location in the country. Israel requires both men and women to serve. All Israel citizens at the age of 18 must serve - men for 3 years, women for 2 years. South Korea is also mandatory military at the age of 18 for males for 21 months Conscientious Objectors are imprisoned. Mexico now requires all males reaching the age of 18 to sign up for the military for one year, though the position in the military is done by lottery. Norway requires men between 18.5 and 44 to serve 19 months. Russia has a mandatory 12 months of service between 18-27 on a drafted basis but there are loopholes to getting out. In Singapore men 18-21 are required to serve for 24 months. Switzerland makes men do a series of military training and exercises in the military totaling 260 days for privates. Conscientious Objectors serve 390 days of volunteer work. In Turkey males between the ages of 20-41 serve 15 months for privates, 12 months for reserve officers and 6 months for short term privates. Conscientious Objection is illegal in Turkey. The Ukraine allow males to either serve in reserve officer training for 2 years or regular military service for one year.

So before you go bashing our country and our military know that our military service is voluntary and you should be happy you live in a country that allows the freedoms you so love to take for granted.

When the towers came down everyone in America should have taken notice. To see people jumping to their deaths to escape a worse fate. To see people covered in the ash of what was a part of the iconic skyline of New York City. To see the families destroyed, the lives lost, the city in tears should have pulled some heart string in every American. The fact that 10 years later, people want to discuss the lies, conspiracies and conditions surrounding the attacks is heartbreaking. We are a nation that does not stand as one, that cannot grieve together a loss. United We Stand. Divided We Fall.