Allow Me to Explain

It was becoming my life’s motto. Allow me to explain why I don’t follow the career I want. Allow me to explain why I can’t afford to travel. Allow me to explain why I can’t go out with you to dinner. Allow me to explain why my shoes have holes and my pantry is empty and my bills are overdue. Sometimes there isn’t really an explanation it’s just a stall tactic to buy me some thinking time before the pity wave washed over me like warm piss. Often times, no one is judging me at all. In my mind, though, I read things that don’t exist. Every mouth twitch, every time someone looks away. I read into it what I secretly fear.

In truth, I shouldn’t have to explain any part of my life to anyone, including myself. I shouldn’t need to defend that I work sometimes 60 hours a week and still can’t pay my bills. I shouldn’t have to explain that while my life is not what I expected it doesn’t mean it’s not fulfilling. I don’t make a career with writing, like I always dreamed I would. I can’t afford the high quality products I want and in some cases need for health reasons. I work two jobs that are not fulfilling. My body is not physically where I’d like to see it. My diet is on occasion an oral exam on chemical warfare. My husband and I will probably not be able to have children. My home is in an almost constant state of half-done chores. There’s always dishes in the sink, piles of laundry, dirty carpeting, cobwebs, pet hair tumbleweeds, a ring around the tub. I mean really, I can continue.

At the end of the day, I’m still happy. Despite my bitching, my “first world problems,” my  menial complaints. I’m happy because I suck breath in and out. I have a loving husband. I have my ridiculous pets. I have my exercise keeping me sane. I have a house to go home to. I have friends who check in on me. I have a car almost fully paid off. I have a family.

If you are living the life you’ve always wanted, congratulations not everyone works hard enough to do so. I know I didn’t. I am scared of risks. I am scared of no safety nets. I am terrified of life a bit I suppose. I’m a person with an irrational fear of birds and doorknobs. I’m a person who builds ants to monsters in her mind. I’m a mad scientist with fears. Yes, I could abandon my ship and work hard to live the life I think I’m destined. Life is what you make of it. I’m happy where I am. I will always strive to be better. I will perpetually make excuses that never need to be uttered. Perhaps someday I will look at my successful, smart friends without envy but as equals. People work hard for their lives. They do all they can for what they have etched out in hard work, risks, dreams and love.

Let me explain why I’m okay. Let me explain why I love to laugh. Let me explain how much I love the sun. Let me explain why I’m great.

The Definition of Blog

According to the Oxford Dictionary a “blog” is a personal website or web page on which an individual records opinions, links to other sites, etc. on a regular basis.

Some key words to pull from that – personal and opinions – a blog is something that took me years to be convinced was a good thing. I thought blogs were fads and they would slowly fade out. But they haven't and though I hate the name of them, I decided to start one (or two) to better exercise my demons.

I actually liked my wedding and created a blog to discuss my Hawaiian roots, my love for my furry caramel shadow and wedding frustrations, ideas and enjoyments. Working for a wedding company I come across a lot of really cool ideas for wedding and just having a wedding helped me to utilize some nifty things. I also use this blog to vent about the frustrations and issues I had with planning to help any bride-to-be out with their upcoming nuptials. If you don't like me being open and honest about my experiences or you think I'm not being grateful or respectful here's the beauty of blogs, you don't have to read it. This blog is about me and while it is open to comments and I do appreciate hearing peoples thoughts (I love a good debate when it's backed by facts), if you find my personal opinions, thoughts and emotions to be rude, overbearing or “too much,” you can click that little red “x” in the upper right corner and read no further.

My second blog is dedicated to my writing. It's where I'll be throwing up my thoughts on my writing career, my ideas, even some short stores or perhaps dreaded poems. While I do like receiving comments and I will not turn down anyone’s suggestions on writing skills, tactics or a good site for telecommute jobs, please do not tell me what I should be doing with my life. Please do not advise me on how to better my life and that I can reach my goals if I only believe and, you know, actually try.

The truth: I love my life. My life is freaking rad! I just married a amazingly, perfectly weird and wonderful man, I have a pooch who is my life, I have a job that takes care of me and has provided endearing, wonderful friends and I have a life outside of work full of family, friends, concerts, movies, comic books and love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love.

It's my blog and I'll vent if I want to. Let me throw my pity party, bridezilla explosion or wailing wisdom around and get it out of my system.

Thank You.

Write it down – Learn from my Frustrations

Weddings are about lists. Not just checklists or to-do lists but a mountain of other lists to help you keep track of how you want YOUR day to go. Here are some pointers from the disaster that was my beautiful wedding.

Write a list of who you want to thank on your wedding day. When the microphone is in your hand, for some of us (me) your mind goes blank. I wanted to thank everyone from my father to my aunt who let my husband and I live with them when we first moved to Seattle. You don’t have to carry the pieces of paper with you but for me writing stuff down commits them to memory. Plus you can use it as a cheat sheet.

Also keep track of all the crazy wedding gifts, envelopes, etc. that you receive. Thank you cards are mandatory and you need to know who sent you what and how to best thank them. Trust me it can get nice and confusing. Things bought off the registry don't always come with a note of who sent it.

When it comes to photography, I’m sure there are plenty of things you want pictures of – the ceremony, the first kiss, the walk down the aisle, etc. There were a lot of pictures I wish I had remembered to ask for.  Sure, I have tons of Tim and I, the bridal party, my hula, the first dance, etc. But I don’t really have any of the centerpieces, the food, the rings, my shoes even the bouquets. This isn’t really the photographer’s fault. Ask and you shall receive.

None of your vendors are mind readers, so unless you specifically ask for something or explain exactly what you want. They’re going to do what they’ve done before.

The best picture of me stressing on my wedding day.

In general, it’s wise to start a wedding binder, not just to keep ideas for your wedding but to keep notes. Write down anything that comes into your head, even if you’re going to later disregard it. When it’s the day of your wedding, the last thing you want to do is cry in your wedding dress over the fact that you didn’t get pictures of your rings or you forgot to thank your grandmother who raised you or the linen on the tables were wrinkled, or you didn’t remind the DJ to avoid the chicken dance song, etc. (This isn’t all true things that happened at my wedding, just examples)

While you may laugh at me and these small details seem insignificant, wait until it’s your wedding day.  The stress builds and builds until all you see are the imperfections of the day instead of enjoying it. Was this my wedding? No, my wedding was beautiful and while it is still freshly imprinted in my head I am starting to regret that I didn’t become more involved. That I didn’t speak up to explain why I wanted things done this way. That I didn’t climb into the steering wheel to realize my full potential of Bridezilla and not let people sway me. I shouldn’t have had to tell myself “It’s okay.”

It’s okay if I forget to remind the officiant to announce us as Leila & Tim Regan instead of Mr. & Mrs. Regan. It’s okay if the favors aren’t exactly what I wanted. It’s okay that I don’t have any pictures of my hair. It’s okay if people showed up who didn’t RSVP. It’s okay if my family wants to wait to take pictures until after they eat. It’s okay if we enter the ceremony a different way than I’d like. It’s okay if we don’t have anything for people to throw at us as we walk back down the aisle. (This isn’t all true things that happened at my wedding, just examples).

I can live with my wedding, it was beautiful and it took a lot of people to make it the success that it was. I am extremely grateful. I just wish I had better organized my needs, desires, ideas and goals. Perhaps if I had written everything all down, I wouldn’t have been as stressed out the day of the wedding.  

Coulda, Woulda, Shut It!

As a previously stressed out fiancé trying to plan a wedding, I am well aware of the Should of, Would of, Could of disease that infects the brain of all newlywed brides. It’s an airborne virus that invades through the ear canal as random wedding guests, family members, friends and even the bride and groom utter how things could have gone down differently. 

If you or someone you know has just gotten married here’s some advice: SHUT IT. There’s a kind of depression that follows the wedding. The couple is no longer the center of attention. The bride and groom are allowed to return to their normal lives. It’s like popping a zit all the pressure, relief, white stuff and then irritation, picking and scarring.

Thank you, Captain Obvious for pointing out that my wedding could have been more organized, that we should have been wearing microphones for the ceremony, that we should have played the ceremony music louder, That we shouldn’t have allowed people in who didn’t RSVP, That we could have had enough seating for those who did RSVP, that we should have had the ceremony later in the day, that we should have taken the family photos earlier, that we could have had a better wedding in general.

All this jibber jabber did was imply that our wedding wasn’t good enough for you. Guess what? It was good enough for US and we don’t really, truly, at all care what your opinions were regarding what could have, should have or would have been done differently to make your wedding experience more enjoyable. While I am extremely grateful for where I had my wedding and the people who helped make my wedding possible, once the wedding is over, it's not like we're going to have a re-do. So what's the point of telling us all the things that were wrong? I agree, there were tons of things that could have happened in a different manner, but they didn't and I hope you had fun anyways.

The best part of any wedding is when it’s over and the bride and groom can sigh with the relief that they survived.