One Year Older

The day before my actual 30^th Birthday I was a mess. I was a pile of insecurities and to be honest I’m still that blubbering pile. I don’t know what it was but being 30 seemed like the worst idea my body ever had. Before my weekend trip to Vegas to celebrate this monumental turning of the clock, I would have spit venom and cynical mayhem over my 30^th birthday. I work 2 dead end jobs. I have no career. I gave up on writing aka my dream. I have no children. No House. No immediate big picture plan to get me to a better place. I’ve got an amazing husband who is also struggling and some dogs. I’m in debt, can’t pay my bills and struggle with medical conditions to lose weight. I fail, daily, to see the beauty in myself or my self worth. This was my year in review prior to Friday.

However, over the weekend I had friends who flew in from all over the country to celebrate with me and to re-assure me. Our lives are our own. There are twists and turns, backtracking and leaps forward. It’s not always linear. It’s not always point a to point b. I’ve got to accept that just because at 30 I’m not where I wanted my life to be that it doesn’t mean it will ALWAYS be that way. 

I have noticed little changes in myself and I like it. I find my energy cannot even be used for hate, envy or jealousy. I don't talk about anyone or anything. If I see a stunning woman walking down the street I don't try to pick apart little things to bring her down instead I find myself mentally complimenting her and smiling. Where do all these cute shoes live and how can I afford them? 

I’m making no grand announcement. No, I’m not going to go back to school and change my life. No, I’m not going to re-dedicate myself to my writing. I’m struggling. I don’t see an end in sight. My days are accounted for down to the minute. My weeks are exactly the same and right now having that routine, that normalcy, that pinpoint knowledge that I know exactly what is coming and when, it’s comforting. Right now I don’t have to think and it has allowed me some calm. I honestly can't even find the time to care about anything outside of my bubble. GMOs, Religion, Politics. Don't care. I budget and buy what I can afford. I eat what my body allows me. I understand that I could be a "better" person if I made my own laundry detergent, dog food, clothes, etc. If I spent more time researching the foods I should buy instead of just buying what is available and affordable. I'm doing everything to the best of my abilities and I'm okay with my life and what I eat. How I shop and what I spend my money on does not concern you. Spending time with my friends reminded me that I am loved and that I am good no matter what.

I expected a lot out of myself by the time I hit 30. The only person who seems to be disappointed in me, is me.

How I Love My Husband Let Me Count The Ways

Tim and I had both had insomnia last night. Right now I am running on about 4 ½ hours of sleep. But we both persevered so late because I wanted to wish him a happy birthday at midnight and he wanted to make sure when the clock struck midnight that he would be able to play and win one of our ongoing games.

Tim has turned 30 and last night he told me the two things (for whatever reason) he never thought would happen is that he would live to see 30 and he would get married.  At the stroke of midnight he had those things come completely true. Tim and I have been married almost 8 months. We have great plans for the future and we still haven’t had a single major fight (I know it will come eventually).

Turning 30 is seen as something that needs to be acknowledged, even emphasized. It’s that final push from childhood to adulthood, no more asking your parents for help (because that ever truly ends), no more college keg stands, it’s time to shape up and ship out … Right, I don’t actually think any of that is true, but it is embedded in our society a bit. Your 20s are for trial and error, 30s are for careers and settling down. 40s are for something to do with dirty? I’m not sure.

We do intend on having nerdy, comic-book addicted children in our 30s we do intend on buying a house and growing roots. When or where this is going to happen is anyone’s guess. I feel your 30s are a time for change and adjustment and figuring out what works best for you and where you’re most comfortable, but I am also, 28.

To make sure Tim understood the importance of this birthday, I went a little overboard in the planning. His actual birthday is today, March 13^th. But Saturday, March 10^th we had a party in Seattle. Today he was awoken with a big filling breakfast and coffee. Tonight we go out to dinner, March 21-28^th we go to Orlando to see our best friends, his family and hit up Disneyworld and Universal Studios (among other things) and finally March 30, 31 & April 1^st is the Emerald City Comicon where we have rented a hotel room in Seattle. Yes, I know how to party. Yes, I love my husband. Yes, I want him to know that each year I spend with him is indeed special. Will I throw him such a lavish month-long celebration when he’s 40? No. He’ll be a big boy then.