Change in the Winds

Change is necessary in life. It’s good. It’s bad. It has its moments. It can tear you apart or put you back together. I am not afraid of change. I embrace it. The Good, The Bad, The Ugly it adds to my character and develops me as a person.

   

Last night my husband told me he accepted a job offer. It’s for a company that the more he gets to know the more he smiles when he talks about them. My husband has hated his job for 9 years; I want him to know what it feels like to be with a company you can stand behind. To be proud of your work, to look forward to the mornings. I wanted him to be happy.

To work for this company means leaving my beloved Pacific Northwest and heading below the mist into the golden state. At first I was devastated I’ve made Washington my home in many, many ways. Then I realized we are what we make of our surroundings and our actions. California is where the job is. It doesn’t mean we have to stay there forever and it doesn’t mean we had a choice in the matter. We would have loved to stay in Seattle or Portland but we go and do what we can and what is best for us as a couple. My husband is a great man and I will always stand behind him, just as when I need it, he will stand behind me. A move is not the end or a beginning. It's just change. This move will be our first as a married couple.

This morning I went for a run. It was dark, even with my head lamp. It was chilly, even with my layers. There was no wind and no sounds. I began running and let my mind flood with emotions and thoughts and worries and everything else. Those four miles became 40+ minutes of pure mental flow. At one point I looked up at the sky. The clouds had parted and there was nothing but stars above me and my feet pounding below me. My layers melted away as my body warmed up. I ran and I ran until the sky lightened, my brain was happy and  my view on the move shifted.

Panting, I was stretching out next to my car when I noticed not only my breath steamed and dissipated in the cold but my whole body steamed, radiated and flowed out into the universe. It was as though my soul was exhaling. I smiled.

How I Love My Husband Let Me Count The Ways

Tim and I had both had insomnia last night. Right now I am running on about 4 ½ hours of sleep. But we both persevered so late because I wanted to wish him a happy birthday at midnight and he wanted to make sure when the clock struck midnight that he would be able to play and win one of our ongoing games.

Tim has turned 30 and last night he told me the two things (for whatever reason) he never thought would happen is that he would live to see 30 and he would get married.  At the stroke of midnight he had those things come completely true. Tim and I have been married almost 8 months. We have great plans for the future and we still haven’t had a single major fight (I know it will come eventually).

Turning 30 is seen as something that needs to be acknowledged, even emphasized. It’s that final push from childhood to adulthood, no more asking your parents for help (because that ever truly ends), no more college keg stands, it’s time to shape up and ship out … Right, I don’t actually think any of that is true, but it is embedded in our society a bit. Your 20s are for trial and error, 30s are for careers and settling down. 40s are for something to do with dirty? I’m not sure.

We do intend on having nerdy, comic-book addicted children in our 30s we do intend on buying a house and growing roots. When or where this is going to happen is anyone’s guess. I feel your 30s are a time for change and adjustment and figuring out what works best for you and where you’re most comfortable, but I am also, 28.

To make sure Tim understood the importance of this birthday, I went a little overboard in the planning. His actual birthday is today, March 13^th. But Saturday, March 10^th we had a party in Seattle. Today he was awoken with a big filling breakfast and coffee. Tonight we go out to dinner, March 21-28^th we go to Orlando to see our best friends, his family and hit up Disneyworld and Universal Studios (among other things) and finally March 30, 31 & April 1^st is the Emerald City Comicon where we have rented a hotel room in Seattle. Yes, I know how to party. Yes, I love my husband. Yes, I want him to know that each year I spend with him is indeed special. Will I throw him such a lavish month-long celebration when he’s 40? No. He’ll be a big boy then.

What is Love?

After meeting Tim, I’ve come to analyze love. Not only because people asked me constantly about our “story” and how we “knew,” but because I like to analyze things and break it down. What I’ve come to realize is my definition of the big L word. My definition and even ways to maintain it. This isn’t my first time at the poker table, but how did I know Tim and I were each other’s “ones?” Read Below.

Definition: Love is exposing yourself to someone, with all your daily habits, eccentrics, weirdness and flaws and having one person who loves and appreciates every part of you.

A Couple of Weirdoes

I am an odd mixture of nerves, delights, craziness, happiness, optimism, fears, and clumsiness (just to name a few) all combined into a carbonated beverage and someone’s shook the bottle. I am excited over small things, dance in supermarkets, make up songs about my dog and food and am terrified of birds (just to name a few). I have several laughs, I am loud, talkative, outspoken and at times barbaric, my husband loves me for all of these reasons.

Life would be boring if it weren’t weird. My husband not only accepts all the random parts that make up a full Leila, but he appreciates it. He doesn’t love me (only) for my looks or my superficial qualities, he doesn’t love me (only) because I laugh at all his jokes and he doesn’t love me (only) because I take care of him. He loves all of me and he revels in my eccentrics and me in his. 

This also puts us totally at ease with one another, which means common bodily functions, expressive language and mannerisms are all taken and accepted.  Basically, we don’t have to pretend or hide any part of ourselves from one another.

Getting Down and Dirty

If you can’t tell your partner that they’ve got something in their teeth, scratch their back or clean up their puke after a long night of adventures, then you haven’t taken down all the relationship walls yet.

For instance, Tim had surgery not long after we started living together. It was in a sensitive spot one most people wouldn’t want anyone paying attention to nor would anyone want to actually be around that part of someone’s body for long periods of time. I didn’t think twice about cleaning the stitches, attending to the wounds and replacing bandages. Everyone told me “well, it must be love.” Well, duh. Being able to still be so enamored and happy to be with someone whom you just wiped drool or snot away from their face, says a lot.

In return, Tim has had to endure some horrific situations with me and my fickle stomach.  If you can still smile and kiss a person who just spent 4 hours in the bathroom with what sounded like explosions being the only noise making it through the door, guess what? You’re pretty comfortable with one another.  And odds are you won’t get grossed out with the daily grinds of living in the same space.

Love Obsession

I love Tim. I love him so much that every event I plan, I plan with Tim in mind. I am obsessed with Tim. I know what he likes, I know what he doesn’t like. I can read what mood he’s in and what he’ll want for dinner.  I love having pictures of Tim and I and I love to look at pictures of Tim and me.

There is this crazy need to always have Tim in the back of my mind. It’s wonderful. I’ve never been with someone I’ve wanted to spend so much time with. There is a thin line however between love obsession and actual obsession. I do not stalk Tim, read his emails, go through his phone or have to contact him constantly during the day. When I get home I require a kiss and some cuddling before bed but knowing where the guy is 24/7 is way too distracting for those of us with a life.

Having a Life

Obsession is fun but separation has it perks too. So that we don’t become bored or irritated with one another, I have always thought it was important to have separate hobbies that take you away from one another. I love Tim I want to spend time with him, but I do not want to learn Brazilian Jujitsu. Sorry, we don’t have to have everything in common. I love to run, Tim hates to sweat without a purpose.

In addition to our difference on exercise, I like to dance hula and I don’t think that is a passion for Tim.  We also like different comic books, have different passions and attend different events. Being together all the time can be exhausting. You have no fun stories to tell that don’t get cut short with “I was there.” So Tim plays poker with work people and I have game nights with my coworkers.  Having circles of friends that you can hang out with together or separately is fantastic. If Tim doesn’t want to go shoe shopping (because that’s high on a man’s priority list) then I have a back-up.

I enjoy our time apart because it makes our time together that much better.  Am I sad if he goes away on even an overnight trip? Yes. Because I’m obsessed with him.  Is it going to be the death of me? No.

Free Thinkers

Tim and I don’t see eye-to-eye on everything. I love that. We can have debates without getting hot headed, we can have different viewpoints and talk about it. We can even outright say we don’t like something the other one does and it’s okay. I hate the band Kittie, Tim does not. Tim loves the comic book DMZ, I do not.

We both like a lot of the same things – movies, some comic books, authors, video games, etc but the things we differ on aren’t a means to an end. He likes vampires, I like zombies. They are both horror film icons but we aren’t going to argue their fundamentals and why the other person should like this. I can say I think Tim would look handsome in argyle sweater vests and he can, in turn, laugh in my face. I’m not going to push the issue.  If one of us likes something we don’t force fed it to the other one.

I’m a fan of growing and changing but all in due time.

So that’s it. I love Tim and I love him because we have the above type of connection. I knew Tim was for me because from the minute we met I was obsessed and couldn’t stop thinking about him. We’ve spent our relationship exploring one another’s flaws, weaknesses, fears, oddities and have only grown into a deeper love and appreciation. If they try to change you, rip you down, control your life or are in anyway abusive, that ain’t love, get out.

My Daily Routine

People have hinted at the fact that I am a raging optimist. Despite whatever big hurdles I have overcome I remain excited and happy. It is very rare to see me down for long. It's infectious and it's also why so many of my close friends come to me when they are down. I love my friends I will do anything for the people I hold close in my life. My infectious good mood (for the most part) is because I have a daily ritual of inspirations, joys and triumphs.

There are daily heroes in this world, people who should inspire you. My father is my foremost hero. Not only because he was a firefighter for 32 years but because he's my father, he raised me after my mom died, I don't know how he endured raising four girls after losing the love of his life. My littlest sister is another hero, she lost her mom at 7 and has somehow grown into being a responsible, strong woman. Tutu, my grandmother, is an amazing woman. Surviving in Hawaii through World War II, outliving her husband, raising 5 kids, fighting to get a job and at 90 after a hip replacement surgery struggling through the pain to walk again. My mother-in-law is the newest addition to my list of heroes and inspirations. She's back in school and with an outstanding career she managed to raise two marvelous kids after Tim's father died.

These people keep me going. They are who I think of or turn to when I need to get through a tough time. The greatest inspiration and person who I turn to most is my husband. He's in the Navy and I am in awe of his strength in being able to endure in the Navy. The first 6 months of our relationship was long distance. I met him in Hawaii when I went home for a wedding, he was stationed at Pearl Harbor, we only hung out for 3 days but we had an irrefutable connection. I was living in North Carolina and he spent his tax return on a plane ticket to visit me. For 3 of those 6 months he was deployed on a submarine and I would get an email once or twice a week if I were lucky and they were short. I emailed him once a day, twice sometimes. At one point when they surfaced and were able to check their emails he had 8 emails from me where some married men had none. I feel honored to be with a man who willingly serves his country. Our relationship is not based on whether or not he stays in the Navy, but I will support him any way he chooses to live his life. I am just proud of him.

There are stigmas associated with a military wife. I know them well. Barefoot and pregnant, jobless and dependent. But that has never been comfortable or appealing to me. I was married before for 5 years to a Marine. Being a young, married military couple, we knew other military couples our age with 2 or 3 kids. I was so focused on my education, I couldn't imagine having children yet. It is one of the factors that broke us up. I want children when I am ready. When my husband and I have spent quality time together first. In all honesty, I would love to be the breadwinner and my husband the be the stay at home parent. But my career is not going to afford me such a luxury. I am a workaholic. I am a mover and a shaker. Tim and I will make our own path and we will be fine and we will love every minute of it because we’re together, we've found each other and we'll survive.

Though I complain about frustrations, my weight, my career and annoyances, I am extremely grateful for my life. I finally have a job I'm comfortable at that has afforded me some great friends. I have some amazing friends and family. My dog is my life. I have food in my belly, a roof over my head and Netflix. Most importantly, I just married a man I am madly in love with and who I can be myself around. I live in a land of forests and water, mountains and beauty. There are many small things to rejoice over if you choose to focus on them.

My life has taken many twists and turns. From almost not graduating high school to graduating Magna Cum Laude from the University of North Carolina at Wilmington. From losing my mother at 13 to gaining a wonderful mother and sister at 27. From having a substance dependency to barely being able to stomach alcohol. I have been in an abusive relationship; I have had eating disorders; I have had psychological breakdowns. I have overcome them all and I hope I've turned out better. Reflecting on my past does not weaken me, but strengthens me, I know what I have endured and I know what I can endure.

Make Love, Not Babies

At the wedding, a lot of people mentioned "have lots of kids." I get it, first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes Leila and Tim with a baby carriage. For the record this is not my first ride on the marital merry-go-round. I was married from 2001 to 2006 to someone who is still, in my eyes, a very good, outstanding man. He just wasn't the right good man for me. My divorce was a pretty big upset for my family who had finally accepted my haole husband. One of the reasons we didn't work was he was pressuring me for kids. I was 22, recently graduated Magna Cum Laude from the University of North Carolina Wilmington with a B.A. I didn't want kids.

Tim and I have been together for not quite 3 years. While I have decided that kids would be nice, I'm a big fan of waiting. Hey, it's a step up from me not wanting kids, period. I want to make sure Tim and I have a good, solid relationship. Bringing a child into this world should be a serious decision made by both the parents, when they are both ready and probably after a trip to a therapist to prepare us. Right now, I am enjoying my time with Tim too much to consider a child. I want to make sure our foundation is solid, that we mend any possible cracks and dig out any intrusive roots before we "settle down" and "make babies."

Children are a beautiful, wonderful, exciting thing. I just want the wedding excitement to lull for say 3-5 years before I set about on a new adventure. Above all, I am excited about my new life and my future with Tim. I love that there are so many people ready and waiting to play babysitter to our future kids.

Deep breaths, our babies will happen, when we and the world are ready. Plus, there's always adoption.