Divorce is for Quitters?

For those who haven’t gone through a divorce, they don’t understand its importance when it’s over. While a wedding is supposed to be the bonding of two souls for eternity, sometimes it doesn’t go that way. Divorce seems to have become a rite of passage in this country. What once was considered taboo is now widely accepted, kind of like birth control. Divorce is never easy or looked back on with joy, but it’s a new fact of life that touches almost 50 percent of Americans.

In my case, I got married a month after I turned 18 and after 5 years of marriage we were just heading in different directions. No matter how amiable the break up is, it’s not easy. It’s dissolution of marriage. A breaking of vows. A plunge into the unknown. Even if you are the initiator of the divorce it’s hard. You waiver, question yourself and are in pain. You have to civilly divide up all the things you collected and loved as a married couple, all the wedding gifts, the money, then there’s alimony, kids, pets, cars, etc. It’s horrible and it’s dragging both people through the mud. It can get really petty and kind of ridiculous. Maybe he stipulates that he gets back all the love letters her wrote you, which requires you to find them and then of course you’re going to read them and then you start questioning why this whole thing was put into motion.  

No, it’s not the same as someone who dated for years and “broke-up.” When you’re dating someone it usually doesn’t require a lawyer and a judge to dissolve your union. Also, there’s no legal documentation that you get the couch.  You have to be nice and smile and hope that the other person isn’t going to be an asshole. Okay that part is a lot like a divorce. The main difference is once the divorce is finalized, you’re done and you never HAVE to see that person again. With a break-up, you will probably interact with that person for the next 3 years. You’ll have left a really important CD in his car or he forgot you had his jacket 2 years later. With a divorce, there is no going back, no revisiting. Sure, it may take a year or two to finalize a divorce where both the parties are happy with their stuff and money but once the judge signs that paper what you have are yours and that is that.

A divorce until it is absolutely finished weighs down on you. It changes you. Perhaps you’re more sullen, quiet and contemplative. Maybe instead you’re more into bars and parties and want to use any method to escape the fact. It’s hard for you to focus on much else because you’re thinking a million things at once – Am I doing the right thing? What if he demands his ring back and we have to go through another revision? Will he give me the tool box? I hope he doesn’t fight for the dog? I hope he doesn’t hate me? Do I hate him? Will I be okay on my own? Why did we get married in the first place? Oh yeah, that’s right that was a very sweet moment in my life. It goes on and on until the judge signs the paper and you’re done and then for whatever reason the sun shines brighter and the sky seems bluer. All those questions, all the worrying, all the fretting and cursing and crying and emptiness vanish because if nothing else that part of your life is done and you can, willingly, finally move on.

My divorce required a year separation and then it took 2 months to finalize the divorce papers and get it signed by a judge. A year is a long time to look at your marriage in review. It’s stressful and horrible and makes you feel like your life is amiss, like you did something wrong. When my divorced papers came in the mail, I went to my favorite local bar and drank and drank. I didn’t tell people why. Even though I initiated the separation I hadn’t planned for divorce. I was happy and sad all at the same time but having the papers heavy in my hands gave me the kick in my pants I needed to move on with my life. There was no going back to the way things were. I was surprisingly okay with it and found the next week granted me the ability to revel in the little joys of life. No more questions.

To those with the signature of a judge drying on your papers or to those still in the process of getting there, I raise my glass to you. It’s a long, hard road but this is the moment your life begins anew. Enjoy it and don’t take it for granted.

Pissing and Moaning

Once in awhile (sometimes more often than not) we just get those days where the weight of the world bears down on our chests. Where all the little things going wrong join forces and becomes one major weight and we wake up drowning. Today is one of my days like that. It’s like the all-day feeling of “did I leave the stove on?” Except it’s how will I ever find the money to pay things off and enjoy life?

ThinkGeek.com is the coolest

It’s not wanting to look at your bank account because you don’t want to see the measly $5 to last you until payday.  It’s falling in love with a Flying R/C Shark only to regret the purchase because that money could have gone towards any one of a trillion bills. Its feeling overweight, underpaid and more importantly you feel like you can’t breathe. Life presents a crushing, fatal heart aching defeat. You feel trodden under bills, wants, desires, dreams, obligations, expectations, impulses and pain. You don’t want to disappoint anyone. You want to enjoy the moment but in the back of your mind you’re calculating how you will ever be able to pay for this thing called life. You made some mistakes maybe, burned through some reserve cash. Maybe not even that you bought something necessary – a car, a house, a wedding and it’s when the total cost comes in the mail you realize, what have I done?

That was my feeling this morning as I poured over sites looking for affordable airfare to Orlando for my husband’s 30^th birthday. Then the button on my $70 jeans fell out, then the cost of the Orlando trip started adding up in my head as my car payments, large credit card debt and sad salary tagged themselves into the death match. Then the budget I set up to try and give my husband and I a cushion for his release from the Navy jumped in with a folding chair and started pinning me against the ropes. It was a day of defeat, of wanting to forego work to play Tetris online or maybe Scrabble. A day of wanting to cry bitter tears into a vat of chocolate flavored fat to console my fatty brain and soothe the money woes. A day of wanting to gripe and moan and cry over what went wrong.

Ah, love the great defeater of pain.

Instead of all that depression, I took a later lunch and jogged/walked 2 miles with my dog in the sunshine. My outlook is better. Sometimes you have to look not at the things that need to happen but at the things that are happening. I am lucky in many ways and foolish in other ways. I’ve learned life is a great bamboozler if you let it be. But I will pay down my debt, I will have a wonderful time in Orlando for my husband’s 30^th birthday and I will buy new jeans … While we’re at it I will lose weight and I will get a raise at work.  Life has a lot of ups and downs, shadows and sunshine it’s all where you stand and how far you want to walk. My journey’s not over yet.

Halloweenie

Little Leila as a Witch!

I couldn’t imagine the fall season passing by without the joys of Halloween. As a kid every year for Halloween my neighborhood would have all the costumed kids start at one end of our main street and we would parade, with the high school marching band leading the way, to a party house.  Once we reached the party house there’d be food and festivities – bobbing for apples, hot apple cider, pumpkin carving. It was some of the best memories of my life. My mother would make all our costumes from scratch and we spent just as much time as a family, carving pumpkins and trick-or-treating as we did with any other holiday.

It bugs me, personally, when people prevent their kids from partaking in the dress up, fantasy and family time that IS Halloween. I understand some people do it for religious reasons, which I find a little ridiculous. Halloween is in no way a religious holiday I think the closest it has to being religious is All Saints Day and Day of the Dead. Both are rooted in Catholicism, not “Satan worshiping.” Halloween is in no way a devil-worshipping, sacrificial, bringing the dead to life celebration. It’s rooted in a million myths and beliefs but it is not a religious holiday. While were on it, technically, neither is Thanksgiving. Think about it you think the Native Americans who joined in that meal understood who the pale skins god was? No? Thanksgiving to me is a time to come together and be grateful for one another, not necessary to be thankful to an almighty entity.

No one said you have to join in the haunted houses mayhem that is plentiful during the celebration. Carve happy faces in your pumpkin instead of a scary one.  I understand if you want to keep your kids away from the terrifying parts of Halloween, sure. Then do that, but there is no reason you have to cut out the fun holiday fully. If your child wants to spend time with her friends and dress up as a princess, is that wrong? Isn’t that what she does during her imaginary tea parties? Except on this day she can go out and be rewarded for her fantastical costume and adorableness.  I had friends as a kid who had diabetes and they would go trick or treating and sell their candy to their parents – Ha!

Our carvings 2011

Bottom line: I am in love with Halloween it has always been a time of the year where the temperature cools and family time begins (next in line – Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years all big family celebrations). Halloween is a celebration of harvesting and ushering in the winter. It’s when the leaves change colors and you can wear that awesome scarf again. Whenever my husband and I have kids, you better believe if they come to me with their big beautiful eyes and ask me if they could please be a fairy for  Halloween and go trick-or-treating, I will buy a sewing machine and get on it. I will not push Halloween on my children. I don’t think any of our lifestyles should be pushed on our children. If I, as a meat eater, discover my child doesn’t like meat, guess what? I’m not going to tell them they can’t leave the table until they eat their meat. If Halloween scares my child I will not force them to participate. But if my child comes to me excited and sees and grows from my Halloween enthusiasm, I’m running out and buying more pumpkins.

Sleek Geek Shopping

The holidays are upon us and I don’t mean Christmas. Halloween is the best time for nerds you’re allowed to display your zombie, vampire, werewolf, Star Trek, Star Wars, comic book memorabilia without judgment.  But shopping for nerd stuff doesn’t begin or end with Halloween. You can add nerd needs to a wedding registry on registries like myregistery.com (www.myregistry.com) you can add ANYTHING it doesn’t have to be shop specific like a Macy, Target or Crate & Barrel registry. There are two geek fantastic sites I’d like to discuss – Geek Chic and Think Geek.  These are two places that I use and are tried and true (besides Etsy, my first love).

Geek Chic  (www.geekchichq.com) is not what you think it is. They are a furniture company made for gamers. Whether your game is D & D, Xbox, Play Station, Risk, puzzles, scrabble or anything else. Their tables, desks, and chairs are handmade works of art. They are as functional as they are beautiful. As a wedding gift to us my husband and I bought their Hoplite table as a coffee table. We eyed this furniture for awhile. They are a pretty penny. We saw them first at the 2010 Emerald City Comicon, being that they’re a local company based in Everett, why wouldn’t they be there?  It wasn’t until 2011’s Emerald City Comicon that we went ahead and put our names down on the waiting list. Yes there is a waiting list and a deposit required when you decide to purchase one of these magnificent wooden alters of nerdisism.  We’ve been in the queue for our table since Mach 2011 we were informed in July that our table is being moved up the queue to verification/manufacturing. It’s worth waiting for, trust me.  Now we’re waiting to hear from our Logistics Liaison and the delivery team to have our golden table of geekdom brought to us.  They will customize your table to your needs. Do you want a velvet inlay? A washable/writable inlay? Drawers that offer cushioned, custom controller holders for your XBOX or Playstation? They have whatever you can imagine and if they don’t they’ll make it for you. 

Think Geek (www.thinkgeek.com) is where I go when I need a nerd fix, whether that fix is Star Wars Rebel Alliance headphones or  a Star Trek Pizza cutter, they have whaterver you need to spruce up your home, make your life easier and decorate your body. We put a lot of items from Thin Geek on our Wedding Registry – Salt and Pepper grenade shakers, MagnoGrip (magnetic wristband holds nails, screws, etc) and our friends even took the initiative and got us things from there not on our registry, like the large yard zombie.  They have books, tools, apparel, home & office, gadgets, geek toys, edibles and computer stuff. Whatever your little nerdy heart desires.

So think outside of the box with your wedding registry, Christmas gifts, Halloween decorations and celebrations. Raise you nerd flag and take your geek out for a walk. Don’t be afraid.

Live Long and Prosper

That's kind of the motto for every wedding right? Or, it should be. Live long with your soul mate and prosper. Whether prosper means spitting out 12 kids or getting rich and famous or having an enriching life with your loved one. Either way, Live Long and Prosper my friends and Stay Thirsty. No, wait. That's something else.

Anyways if you're a Trekkie (like me) you might want your wedding to reflect that . How about Star Trek Bridesmaid dresses or instead of bouquets they carry phaser guns? All the groomsmen are carrying communicators and you have a Klingon conducting the ceremony. Ah, yes, that would be awesome. So where to begin for planning your Star Trek wedding, like this?

Taken from www.GeekSugar.com

For starters, there's a great Trekkie site called RoddenBerry (www.roddenberry.com). This site allows you to buy everything from phasers to dresses. If you want a more hands on approach, they sell patterns. Prop replicas, prop kits, blueprints for the TOS stage, even gift ideas they have pretty much whatever Star Trek fare you're into.

If you want to make your own wedding cake, here's a video on how to make a pretty sweet one.

There are a million sites you can go to for Star Trek gifts, cake toppers, cuff links even garter belts – Etsy, eBay, Amazon, Think Geek. Really, any of them will do. But I wouldn't dig too deep. A lot of things can be done by you or with friends. You don't have to necessarily buy it. Ideas are great, implication is hard.

Shop Kizette: For the Love of Geek.... on Etsy.com

I personally, love Star Trek I would have loved to have that theme in my wedding, but my loss is your gain.  Here are some helpful hints to get the planning started. I know what you're think, I just can't do it, I don't have the power. But you're wrong, Scotty. You can do it. The internet is the final frontier... Okay, not really but it can seem that way when you're navigating treacherous sites, soul sucking stupidity and not finding an inkling of what you are looking for, instead you get side tracked and forgotten. Well, here's a place to start. Now stay focused my friend.

"What you WANT is irrelevant, what you've CHOSEN is at hand." - Spock

Nerdgasm

When it came to planning for our wedding, I looked up a lot of nerd stuff. My go-to for hilarity and even sometimes ideas was wedinator.com. For instance it was on that site that I saw this creative online wedding invitation  

and that I found this awesome wedding cake 

But also, when the stress got to me it calmed with images like this.

It was only after goofing around and trying to wade through the nerd muck that is the internet, that I realized there's no real one site to bring together the four corners of the nerd world and by that I mean – Star Trek, Star Wars, Comic Books and Sci Fi-isms (Doctor Who, Futurama, Lego, Video Games, etc). I mean it's really hit or miss if you're looking for places to actually buy geek chic for your wedding.

You can get some of it on Etsy or eBay but you're putting so much time and effort into this wedding, there's got to be another way and maybe, just maybe I can be your way. One of the sites that prompt my decision to be your geek wedding designer is geekeverafter.com I came across this site at work and when I saw the title blew a gasket, finally, NERDS UNITE! But if you actually go to the site … there's not much geek happening. There's not much of anything happening. It made me mad.

So I will be your sherpa (or try to be) up the mountain of nerd-ness. Let me know how I can expand or improve.

What is Love?

After meeting Tim, I’ve come to analyze love. Not only because people asked me constantly about our “story” and how we “knew,” but because I like to analyze things and break it down. What I’ve come to realize is my definition of the big L word. My definition and even ways to maintain it. This isn’t my first time at the poker table, but how did I know Tim and I were each other’s “ones?” Read Below.

Definition: Love is exposing yourself to someone, with all your daily habits, eccentrics, weirdness and flaws and having one person who loves and appreciates every part of you.

A Couple of Weirdoes

I am an odd mixture of nerves, delights, craziness, happiness, optimism, fears, and clumsiness (just to name a few) all combined into a carbonated beverage and someone’s shook the bottle. I am excited over small things, dance in supermarkets, make up songs about my dog and food and am terrified of birds (just to name a few). I have several laughs, I am loud, talkative, outspoken and at times barbaric, my husband loves me for all of these reasons.

Life would be boring if it weren’t weird. My husband not only accepts all the random parts that make up a full Leila, but he appreciates it. He doesn’t love me (only) for my looks or my superficial qualities, he doesn’t love me (only) because I laugh at all his jokes and he doesn’t love me (only) because I take care of him. He loves all of me and he revels in my eccentrics and me in his. 

This also puts us totally at ease with one another, which means common bodily functions, expressive language and mannerisms are all taken and accepted.  Basically, we don’t have to pretend or hide any part of ourselves from one another.

Getting Down and Dirty

If you can’t tell your partner that they’ve got something in their teeth, scratch their back or clean up their puke after a long night of adventures, then you haven’t taken down all the relationship walls yet.

For instance, Tim had surgery not long after we started living together. It was in a sensitive spot one most people wouldn’t want anyone paying attention to nor would anyone want to actually be around that part of someone’s body for long periods of time. I didn’t think twice about cleaning the stitches, attending to the wounds and replacing bandages. Everyone told me “well, it must be love.” Well, duh. Being able to still be so enamored and happy to be with someone whom you just wiped drool or snot away from their face, says a lot.

In return, Tim has had to endure some horrific situations with me and my fickle stomach.  If you can still smile and kiss a person who just spent 4 hours in the bathroom with what sounded like explosions being the only noise making it through the door, guess what? You’re pretty comfortable with one another.  And odds are you won’t get grossed out with the daily grinds of living in the same space.

Love Obsession

I love Tim. I love him so much that every event I plan, I plan with Tim in mind. I am obsessed with Tim. I know what he likes, I know what he doesn’t like. I can read what mood he’s in and what he’ll want for dinner.  I love having pictures of Tim and I and I love to look at pictures of Tim and me.

There is this crazy need to always have Tim in the back of my mind. It’s wonderful. I’ve never been with someone I’ve wanted to spend so much time with. There is a thin line however between love obsession and actual obsession. I do not stalk Tim, read his emails, go through his phone or have to contact him constantly during the day. When I get home I require a kiss and some cuddling before bed but knowing where the guy is 24/7 is way too distracting for those of us with a life.

Having a Life

Obsession is fun but separation has it perks too. So that we don’t become bored or irritated with one another, I have always thought it was important to have separate hobbies that take you away from one another. I love Tim I want to spend time with him, but I do not want to learn Brazilian Jujitsu. Sorry, we don’t have to have everything in common. I love to run, Tim hates to sweat without a purpose.

In addition to our difference on exercise, I like to dance hula and I don’t think that is a passion for Tim.  We also like different comic books, have different passions and attend different events. Being together all the time can be exhausting. You have no fun stories to tell that don’t get cut short with “I was there.” So Tim plays poker with work people and I have game nights with my coworkers.  Having circles of friends that you can hang out with together or separately is fantastic. If Tim doesn’t want to go shoe shopping (because that’s high on a man’s priority list) then I have a back-up.

I enjoy our time apart because it makes our time together that much better.  Am I sad if he goes away on even an overnight trip? Yes. Because I’m obsessed with him.  Is it going to be the death of me? No.

Free Thinkers

Tim and I don’t see eye-to-eye on everything. I love that. We can have debates without getting hot headed, we can have different viewpoints and talk about it. We can even outright say we don’t like something the other one does and it’s okay. I hate the band Kittie, Tim does not. Tim loves the comic book DMZ, I do not.

We both like a lot of the same things – movies, some comic books, authors, video games, etc but the things we differ on aren’t a means to an end. He likes vampires, I like zombies. They are both horror film icons but we aren’t going to argue their fundamentals and why the other person should like this. I can say I think Tim would look handsome in argyle sweater vests and he can, in turn, laugh in my face. I’m not going to push the issue.  If one of us likes something we don’t force fed it to the other one.

I’m a fan of growing and changing but all in due time.

So that’s it. I love Tim and I love him because we have the above type of connection. I knew Tim was for me because from the minute we met I was obsessed and couldn’t stop thinking about him. We’ve spent our relationship exploring one another’s flaws, weaknesses, fears, oddities and have only grown into a deeper love and appreciation. If they try to change you, rip you down, control your life or are in anyway abusive, that ain’t love, get out.