So Be It

Thank you all for the love, encouragement and support with my “The Smaller Version of Me” post. However, the bottom line is it doesn't matter how you see me; it matters how I see me. That post was not intended to show me sitting on the end of a dock, with a bucket of worms and throwing a lure into the waters of the Internet. It was me, being honest with me.

I've accepted I will probably not get below 185. I’m okay with it. I've given up hope on it. In the grand scheme of life that is not the number that matters. It doesn't mean I’m going to diminish my physical activities. It doesn't mean I’ll stop my work out routine. It doesn't mean I won’t try new things in the future.  

I am no longer looking for ways to “lose weight” or “trick my body” or become someone I’m not. This is what my body wants this is what my body gets. I have far too many other things stressing me out than the number on the scale. I’m going to throw out the scale. Screw the scale. That being said I’m not accepting advice on products or what might work. I don’t care if it does work. I've accepted myself; given me some much needed TLC and mirror pep talks. I've accepted my little beer belly, my cellulite thighs, my somewhat jiggly arms and in fact admire them. They’re me. A part of me that I may never change and that is okay. I’m done trying. I've been this weight and this shape for a year. It’s done. I’m moving past it.

All that being said I follow several blogs/women on ye olde Facebook – “This is Not a Diet - it's your life.” She lost 124 pounds – no pills, rules, plans, shots, surgery or supplements and has kept the weight off for 3 years. “Go Kaleo” She lost 80 pounds and is now a personal trainer and a nutrition and weight management coach. “Fit Mama Training” She lost a total of 90 pounds and grew with her body to love and nourish it. These ladies are great and inspirational and honest. However they all have weight loss stories.  Not everyone (read: ME) has a happy weight loss story that has catalyzed their healthy life and body acceptance. So what about the rest of us? I know I’m not as famous as these women but I've toyed with the idea of creating a Facebook page for the rest of us.

What that means is there are a lot of frustrated women who can’t lose weight for whatever various reasons. While the women above offer great advice about loving and accepting your body, their bodies have gone through massive changes. It’s hard for some of us to take that advice when the scale hasn't budged in a year. I want to create a safe haven where people can vent about whatever their health issues or weight issues or food issues are and vent to someone who’s stuck like them versus someone who has lost basically their unborn twin that was living inside of them. I have a special diet for medical reasons it would be a place for anyone to share recipes for their particular special diets, share motivational images or ideas or just to say “hey, I walked a mile today, haven’t done that in a while.” I love following those 3 women but I have no weight loss story and yet I’m inspired by myself. I think I’ll take a poll on whether you think I should do this or if it will just be another page lost in the hogwash of Facebook.  If you've made it this far, respond via comments on here or Facebook or even MFP. Once again thank all of you for the support, love and advice but I've accepted myself you should too. 

Eat this not ANYTHING ELSE EVER!

Like a good human being I went to the doctor to get my lady parts checked. This trip however went horribly awry. For those who need to know I got off birth control pills. After not getting my lady times for almost 2 months I bit the bullet and found a doctor to check me out.

She did an ultrasound. She diagnosed me with PCOS Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome. Symptoms were mentioned of which I had none but irregular lady times (which I attributed to getting off my birth control pills). On top of the PCOS diagnosis, which means having a baby is going to be difficult, she said I overly produce yeast (joy, because that’s not disgusting). She told me to cut out carbs and sugars and get a ridiculous amount of blood work done. She didn’t give me a list of foods to avoid but told me to keep it under 50g of carbs a day, because that’s totally doable for every human being. This alone was devastating but let’s add in my food allergies.

The list is no carbs, sugar, red meat, mayo, cherries, sulfur dioxide (the stuff they use to dry fruit). While I’m not technically allergic to the next list of things they turn/hurt my stomach: avocados, sweet potatoes, tomatoes, cucumbers, raw onions. I’m left with some vegetables (no carrots, apparently), some fruits (small portions), chicken, turkey, eggs, cheese, salad mix, some nuts and maybe hummus?

Bottom Line: this blows and I keep trying and failing to avoid certain foods. People keep telling me to go Paleo but here’s the thing, screw diets. I have a restrictive diet for health reasons, Paleo, Atkins, South Beach, Shakeology, Body by YerMamma or whatever; you choose your restrictive diets. Do you have any idea how much I miss steak and desperately want pizza? On top of that, Paleo isn’t low carb they just seem to replace “wheat” with almonds which are still carb-tastic. Also, how the heck do we know cavemen wouldn’t eat food readily available? They only lived for like 30 years but they’re the prime example of what’s healthy? On another note, I think the human digestive system is VERY adaptable it kind of had to be or hunters and gathers who were nomads would not have been able to pick up and find a new food source. Didn’t cavemen spread out and populate the world which would mean adapting to new plant life and animals?

Now that I’m off my I-hate-diets-especially-paleo-because-it’s-the-new-fad-and-diets-are-dumb soapbox, changing my diet has been hard. It’s not that I really ate horribly before but being completely restricted is exhausting. Without my beloved carbs (read: pizza), I’m so tired getting through the day requires massive amounts of coffee. My exercise plan is a little halted because I’d rather go to bed at 8pm than go to the gym.  

However, I’m trying. I’m pissed off, tired, struggling but I’m trying and that is all anyone can ask me to do. Now it’s time for me to eat a hunk of cheese with a glass of water as a midday snack.