The Smaller Version of Me

There is no smaller version of me. Today I admit that I am what I am and that’s all that I am or will ever be. Given my recent months of pure insanity I've decided that I need to stop chasing some unattainable smaller version of myself. It was a nice focal point to get me through some hard times. I always felt my weight was the one thing I could control. At a time in my life where I had NO control, it was a nice thought that if nothing else I could change my outer appearance to the strong woman I know is on the inside.  Some bodies are just not meant to change no matter what you think. Even when I had a personal trainer he told me: You have to work with what you are given. You can’t compare yourself to anyone. I’m relatively healthy at this point. Yes. Right now my stomach feels like I swallowed a bowling ball and it hurts to take deep breaths but that’s because this past weekend I went against all reasoning and ate all the things my doctor told me not to.

I've tried to lose weight for nearly 2 years. I've really made no great weight loss and maintained it. I started at 195 in Jan 2012. When I was running an insane amount I got down to 169 in July 2012. Since then the weight slowly crept back up to 185 within the year. Why? No real answers there. Speculation? Sure, I had to stop running because of my knees. We moved to California where both of us aren't making enough for me to buy groceries on anything but a credit card with the hope that on my next paycheck I’ll be able to pay off the groceries. My job is a joke. Our new dog, Princess Vespa, refuses to be house broken, and chews up my underwear, shoes, the garbage or anything she can get her mouth on plus she has been sick pretty much monthly, hooray vet bills. Tim is unhappy with his choice of employment. Neither one of us is happy with the move. I've been diagnosed with PCOS while we try to start a family. I've also been diagnosed with overly producing yeast so a sever shift in my diet has taken place (gone are the days of carefree eating). What does this all add up to? An overproduction of worry and a buildup of STRESS.

What feeds stress? More stress and worry so instead of trying to shove myself into the smaller version of me with the hopes that it will happen I’m just going to come out of the box. Stop stressing on my looks. I work very hard at my job, diet and exercise. I do Pilates 3 days a week, kickboxing 2 days a week, I walk the dogs about 5 hours a week, do strength training 2-3 days a week for a minimum of an hour and occasionally throw in a spinning class here or there. As far as my physical health goes there's really nothing more I can do. I'm tired of poking myself with sticks and fighting the inevitable. After almost a year of being the same weight even through diet shifts, exercise routine shifts and every other type of shift you can imagine, I'm done trying.

I yam what I yam and that’s all that I yam.

P.S. People have suggested seeing another doctor. Financially right now that is not a possibility. The doctor who diagnosed my PCOS gave me a copy of all my blood work. I've had 2 sets of blood work done in the past month I have no hormone, thyroid or vitamin D issues.  Regardless of getting a second opinion my blood test results will not change. 

Eat this not ANYTHING ELSE EVER!

Like a good human being I went to the doctor to get my lady parts checked. This trip however went horribly awry. For those who need to know I got off birth control pills. After not getting my lady times for almost 2 months I bit the bullet and found a doctor to check me out.

She did an ultrasound. She diagnosed me with PCOS Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome. Symptoms were mentioned of which I had none but irregular lady times (which I attributed to getting off my birth control pills). On top of the PCOS diagnosis, which means having a baby is going to be difficult, she said I overly produce yeast (joy, because that’s not disgusting). She told me to cut out carbs and sugars and get a ridiculous amount of blood work done. She didn’t give me a list of foods to avoid but told me to keep it under 50g of carbs a day, because that’s totally doable for every human being. This alone was devastating but let’s add in my food allergies.

The list is no carbs, sugar, red meat, mayo, cherries, sulfur dioxide (the stuff they use to dry fruit). While I’m not technically allergic to the next list of things they turn/hurt my stomach: avocados, sweet potatoes, tomatoes, cucumbers, raw onions. I’m left with some vegetables (no carrots, apparently), some fruits (small portions), chicken, turkey, eggs, cheese, salad mix, some nuts and maybe hummus?

Bottom Line: this blows and I keep trying and failing to avoid certain foods. People keep telling me to go Paleo but here’s the thing, screw diets. I have a restrictive diet for health reasons, Paleo, Atkins, South Beach, Shakeology, Body by YerMamma or whatever; you choose your restrictive diets. Do you have any idea how much I miss steak and desperately want pizza? On top of that, Paleo isn’t low carb they just seem to replace “wheat” with almonds which are still carb-tastic. Also, how the heck do we know cavemen wouldn’t eat food readily available? They only lived for like 30 years but they’re the prime example of what’s healthy? On another note, I think the human digestive system is VERY adaptable it kind of had to be or hunters and gathers who were nomads would not have been able to pick up and find a new food source. Didn’t cavemen spread out and populate the world which would mean adapting to new plant life and animals?

Now that I’m off my I-hate-diets-especially-paleo-because-it’s-the-new-fad-and-diets-are-dumb soapbox, changing my diet has been hard. It’s not that I really ate horribly before but being completely restricted is exhausting. Without my beloved carbs (read: pizza), I’m so tired getting through the day requires massive amounts of coffee. My exercise plan is a little halted because I’d rather go to bed at 8pm than go to the gym.  

However, I’m trying. I’m pissed off, tired, struggling but I’m trying and that is all anyone can ask me to do. Now it’s time for me to eat a hunk of cheese with a glass of water as a midday snack.

Your Face and Food

Low carb, high protein, no sugar, Paleo, Atkins, shakes, juice, cleanse, percentages … I feel like it’s all such crap. I mean whatever works for your body and you’re willing to maintain long term (meaning until you’re old and wrinkled) then have at it. I know my body and my body rebels against me and pretty much hates everything I try to do to it. That being said, any type of restrictive diet and I don’t work. Okay, THAT being said I have a restrictive diet for medical reasons thanks to my super sensitive stomach. I can’t eat red meat (unless it’s crazy lean, as in as lean as it could ever possibly be. That cow ran marathons in the hills of someplace sunny and had a name), can’t eat mayonnaise, dried apricots, acidic tomatoes, cherries (yeah I still eat them and suffer) and there’s more I just can’t remember right now. Most of these are what I call gut punchers. For me if I eat too much I end up in the bathroom for a good chunk of the day (3-6 hours), in pain. The dried Apricots make my throat close so that’s always fun.   

All of THAT being said, my “diet” is called balance and moderation. Boom! I waved my magic wand and will now lose weight. Ha! But seriously it took me a long time to find what worked for me and I can proudly say I don’t care. If I never get to my “goal weight,” I don’t care. If I plateau and feel my workouts are in vain, I don’t care. If I could possibly be a little bit healthier, I don't care. The reason I stopped caring? If you’re going to try to make me do math or take away my bread I will cut you. I bet there are a lot of things I could do to my diet to make it so that I lose more weight or am slightly healthier but you know what? I don’t care. I try to eat mostly veggies and fruit with some lean proteins (egg whites, chicken breast, lean ground beef and center cut pork loins with the occasional bacon thrown in there), whole wheat or fiber rich breads and pastas and of course white rice that I mix with brown and while I'm not the thinnest I've ever been in my life (18-20 year old Leila was Hot) or as tone, etc, etc. I don't care. I don’t believe my body can’t process the food I’m giving it. Want to know why? Because I have very few stomach issues (aside from where I get sick off cherries) and I poop regularly. Poop is important. I don’t care who you think you are that you’re above poop but you’re not. If you’re not pooping at least once a day, something might be wrong. I don’t know what might be wrong but you should be pooping and it shouldn’t be painful or liquid or weird. If you have a dog and you pick up their poop, don’t tell me you don’t know if something is or isn’t wrong with your dog by their poop. When it’s a weird color, not solid at all, painful or bloody you get concerned right? You should probably do the same for yourself. My dog, like his owner, has a sensitive stomach. He can’t have red meat or pineapples (though he loves them). I can tell when someone (usually me) has been sneaking him restrictive food because his poop is weird and painful. You’ll be happy to know, I poop fine.

Now that I have completely grossed out anyone actually reading this allow me to say: our bodies are wonderlands (ha ha ha). No but they are they are unique, amazing, complex, awe inspiring things no matter what shape or size or color. Find your balance, find what works for you and cling to that for dear life. Make sure it’s something you can maintain until you have more wrinkles than cells in your body (ha!) and don’t listen to the nay sayers, the haters, the advice givers, etc. etc. Unless your DOCTOR tells you you’re allergic or your health needs help, DO NOT GOOGLE DIETING TIPS OFF THE INTERNET or let your friends dictate your diet. What works for them may not work for you. My Tutu (grandmother) has lived her entire life (92 years) off pretty much fresh fruit, meat, rice, coffee, fat and white wine. If you cut the fat off your steak or take the skin off your chicken, Tutu will eat it. My tutu got a hip replaced when she was 90 and isn't wheelchair bound by any sense of the word. She’s only recently shrunk down to 5’8” and I feel like if anyone tried to take away any of her key foods, her health would suffer. Listen to your bodies, work with your bodies, not against them and don’t let your brain do all the talking (Do I really want that hamburger which I know will cause my stomach to explode or am I even really hungry?). Accept your body, listen to it, love it and moving it around a bit doesn't hurt either but don’t take it from me take it from you.  

No, I refuse (to feel bad for my choices)

Fitness and health are still in the forefront of my mind, why? Because it’s EVERYWHERE. We are constantly being reminded (except for most restaurant commercials) that we are fat and lazy. Online it’s a series of “research results” and “motivational images” telling us what we SHOULD look like and that we can only ACHIEVE this body or our ideal weight by following their plan or tips or reading this research paper on how too much of this causes that.

The constant yammering of what our bodies should look like, what we should be eating and what we should be doing to maximize our weight loss has driven me quite mad. Especially because what we should be eating CHANGES almost daily and for those on a budget apparently we’re just shit out of luck. Just because we can’t afford organic or the high end “specialty stores.” 

I’m here to say “Nay.” What you put in your body is more important to me than exercise as far as being healthy goes. My reason for placing nutrition above exercise is because we have direct, sometimes immediate, reactions to food. For instance, my body doesn’t process red meat, doesn’t mean I don’t absolutely love London Broil, Teriyaki Beef and Kalbi ribs; however, if I don’t take Imodium before eating meat I have a 30 minute window to find a bathroom and lock myself in it for the next 3 hours. I wish I was exaggerating. Food is your most important ally in getting healthy with a side of losing weight. You could burn 1,000 calories a day but if you’re eating cake, cookies, milkshakes, chips, fried chicken and whatever else every day that spare tire probably won’t go anywhere and if it does I’d like to have your genes, please. 

What I eat tends to determine my mood. When I eat crap, I feel like crap. When I eat better, I feel better. I understand why most people say organics are the way to go; it doesn’t get any “healthier” than that. BUT, people have families (or sometimes just a husband who will say nay to double the grocery bill for less food), people are rubbing their pennies together these days, I know I am. Running out and spending even the same amount of a normal grocery bill on smaller organic fruits, veggies and meats, really isn’t an option. 

I shop at Wal-Mart. Yeah, I said it. I’m not afraid to say it. I’m a little embarrassed because Wal-Mart is like the black hole of ethics, but I shop there because I can afford it. I shop at the Commissary because it’s tax free and I shop at Albertsons or IGA when I forgot a small ingredient for dinner or ran out of baby carrots or desperately need bananas. I also shop at the Farmers Market, Trader Joes and Central Market. The later places are pricey and so end up being more of a treat or for specific items. One trip to Central Market we ended up dishing out $150 for beer, ahi tuna steaks, tortillas and a few snacks. It got real. Our Farmer’s Market features organic pork. I will dole out $25 for a pound of ground pork and a somewhat smaller-than-what-I’d-get-at-Wal-mart pork butt. That pork is absolutely delicious, the taste is amazing. But for the most part, yes I buy meat, veggies and fruit at Wal-Mart and guess what? I still lost weight, still feel better, still eat healthier and am full and happy. If you can afford the organics, good for you! For the rest of us, don’t feel guilty for buying what you can where you can. Read the labels of what you’re buying, compare and contrast different products, note the pros and cons, wash your veggies and fruit thoroughly. I clip coupons to be able to buy name brands and bring my costs down, but I also succumb to Wal-Mart’s Great Value brand. Their granola bars are cheaper and have less sodium and even carbs than Quaker. Yes, it makes shopping a longer process vs. walking into a specialty store or Farmers Market, knowing (hoping) that they did the research for you and just grabbing and going. But I cut costs where I can and I have managed to feed myself and my husband (and my dog) on a bi-monthly food budget without any negative effects to my digestive system, my health or my weight loss plans/goals.   

No one should go hungry for the sake of their health. No one should feel guilty that they can’t afford organics. No one should feel bad for getting healthy just because of where they can afford to shop. Do your research, make a budget and do what you can for yourself and your family to become and remain healthy, happy and fit. 

Examples of my Low-Budget Healthy Meals:

Egg white, zucchini, yellow squash omelet, turkey bacon and roasted potatoes (Wal-Mart)

Trader Joe's Savory Popcorn, Strawberries and a Black Forest Turkey, Light Salami and Muenster cheese sandwhich on a Hawaiian Mini-sub roll (all bought at Wal-Mart)

96/4 Ground Beef Veggie Packed Meatloaf with roasted potatoes, brocollini and pineapple (Wal-Mart, Brocollini from Albertsons)

Honey Chicken Stir fry w/ brown & white rice (everything purchased from Wal-Mart)

Salad (everything including the chopped rotisserie chicken from Wal-Mart.)

Ricotta, Onion, Garlic and green bean stuffed Chicken with roasted potatoes and sauteed zucchini, yellow squash and green beans (Green beans were from a friend, Veggies were from Trader Joe's, meat and potatoes - Wal-Mart)

Brocolli sauteed pasta with Chicken Parmesan (brocolli came from Albertsons, everything else - Wal-mart)

Working Out Is Hard To Do

“In my dreams I have an ice cream tree, I have a gym that works out for me.” – The Aquabats

I am unhappy with my weight. All the positive reinforcement is not going to change how I feel. While I am happy for my tiny waist and large rump, I am not so happy with my stomach, arms, thighs and the double chin that is brewing. I haven’t been comfortable with my weight since I was, oh, 13. The wedding brought on a whole new stew pot of fears. Everyone wants to look good on their wedding day. But with stress making it hard to shed those pounds and the hectic schedule of wedding planning, working out falls low on the list.

There are some people out there who complain about their weight but don’t want to change their life to accommodate weight loss. Surprisingly, I love exercising. I don’t mean I do it as a chore to reach a goal; I mean I LOVE it. Something about sweating and getting this daily sense of accomplish makes me okay about my weight, my life and gives me the ability to sleep for that day.

Why I never want to get out of bed.

Let’s face it, good relationships make you fat. It’s true. You get comfortable, you want to spend time together, the couch becomes your best friend and before you know it you’ve packed on 20 pounds, while your male counterpart has gained 5 pounds.  You start eating 3 salads a week and he’s lost 15 pounds, while you’ve lost 5 pounds. I get it. It happens. Unless you’re one of those –lets-get-out-and-bike-10-miles-together-or-go-hiking-or-run-a-marathon – couples, I think it’s safe to say you age, you get comfortable, you gain weight.

My exercise drug of choice is running.  I love to run; I’m not “good” at it but the feeling I get after running 2 miles and walking a mile versus sitting on the couch for 30 minutes is unmistakably different. I have horrible knees, I run very slowly, I can’t seem to improve my lung capacity enough to run more than 2 miles, hills make me feel like puking, but I still enjoy it. A lot.  Plus it’s free, no gym membership here.

I used to surf and be thinner. It's great exercise if you can do it.

Finding the time and gumption to work out is hard. Really hard.  For the brides who use their wedding as a goal, good for you, kudos. If it shakes you out of your funk and get you on track to eating better and working out, huzzah. But are you going to keep up with it after the wedding? If not, what was the point of stressing yourself out and starving yourself and going on ridiculous diets? Just to look good in pictures that aren’t going to reflect the “true” you? I feel like diets are the new snakeskin oil. Eat this way and you’ll lose X amount of weight. It’s like a Traveling Miracle Medicine Man but in book or DVD form and it’s strict and cruel and there’s a laundry list of rules.  I feel like it’s a shell game. You never know how each diet is going to work for you. Maybe this diet will work but this diet won’t and you won’t know until you try. Then when you go out to dinner with friends you have to make the waiter juggle a million restrictions just so you can be around people.  Oh and you can’t have a beer or cocktail because then you’ll gain 5 pounds overnight.

Diets are stupid. I’m sorry, I’m saying it. Are you going to stick to a diet for the rest of your life? Really? The only thing I feel that has some value is Weight Watchers because it teaches you how to eat. How to weigh decisions with food. I LOVE FOOD. There, I said it. Food is delicious but it's all about balance. Sure, that cake looks fabulous but do I really want to run/walk an extra 5 miles just to burn it off? Is it worth engorging myself for 2 minutes of glorious satisfaction? Sometimes, but not all the time.

Though I am unhappy with my weight, I exercise and I eat decently. My chips are baby carrots, my “sweet treat” is sugar free pudding, etc, etc. I try my best to fit in at least 30 minutes of exercise a day. I’ve started incorporating yoga (at home, no one needs to see that), weight training, etc. The beauty is thanks to the internet you can get a lot of exercise ideas, moves and options online, for free. I once paid a ridiculous amount of money for a personal trainer once a week to show me exercises to do. No cardio, just weight training. I feel like it was such a waste of money. I found all the exercises she taught me online, sure it helps to have someone there to make sure your movements are correct but is that really worth the money? I didn’t lose ANY weight during my training and I was going to the gym 4 days a week. I have since quit the gym. A yoga mat, exercise orb, some resistance bands and weights and you can accomplish many things at home if you sacrifice 30 minutes of your time.

Hiking is also awesome exercise.

Now, I have the motivation to work out every day but no partner in crime. Working out alone is not fun. No fun at all. It’s easier to push off working out when there isn’t someone else relying on you.  How I survive and still manage to work out is with my dog. I take my dog running and as long as it’s not too hot, he won’t fake a limp. Even my dog comes up with excuses not to exercise with me sometimes. I guess take a hint where it’s implied. I used to run or walk or do some form of cross training every day at work with a co-worker. But she’s not here anymore. So now it’s up to me to get out on my lunch break and stretch my legs. But that is the annoyance of wanting to exercise it won’t happen if you don’t make time. I will make time, I have to or I feel bad and gain more weight. Even if it’s just parking 15 minutes away from work to force yourself to walk further, taking the stairs instead of the elevator, etc. It’s the small changes that add up to a big difference. Pack a healthy lunch to work and take 30 minutes to walk around the office, the building, the block, up and down stairs. The first step to any routine is making time.

I feel that if you hyper focus on weight loss it won’t come. Just like if you hyper focus on anything it won’t work. My will bends no spoons. I am unhappy with my weight. I am addicted to running. I create long-term goals for better eating. I don’t push myself too hard. I have faith that my weight will change overtime with persistence and devotion. I wouldn’t trade the rush I get after running or walking or swimming for anything. You should try it sometime.