The Dreaded Track Running

I injured my knee in June. I kept running through my physical therapy though I had to limit my miles and change my scenery. They suggested the most dreaded type of arena for any runner. They said I need to run on a track. Gone were the rolling hills, uneven, scenic trails and pet running. I was Nascar, around and around I went. Circle after circle. Repetitive left turns. I’m sure when I was given this news my face (which has never mastered the art of hiding my feelings) resembled that of a person who was just told the neighbor’s dog peed and massacred their garden. I was horrified and frustrated. It was like community service for something I didn’t do.

The first time I “hit the track,” which was not nearly as enjoyable as “hitting the trails” or even “hitting the gym,” it was hard. It was monotonous. The only thing moving me forward was my music because it certainly wasn’t reaching an imaginary finish line at the end of a trail or road run. At least if I was running on a treadmill at the gym if I got bored I could do something else or change the TV channel. With track running there was no escape, no challenge.

Over time I started to enjoy it. I was able to truly turn my mind off. I was able to really turn inward. Other than counting my laps I didn’t have to worry about hills or mud or the person next to me at the gym breathing heavily and going faster than me. I was just running for the joy of running. My joints and muscles loved me for the soft surface and my knee began to heal even though I was running.

I started running early in the morning with my friend. The air is still crisp, cool even chilly at 5am. You're exhausted but the air catches you off guard and opens your eyes. The track is eerie with mist and fog and silence. So much silence. Maybe a rooster crows or a dog barks but the stars are out, the moon is staring at you and you run. You run in the dark and you feel the earth change. You run in a oval over and over and the sky lightens. The clouds cling to early morning rays, the grass to dew and you breathe deeply and exhale fully and you run. You’re not thinking, just running. It’s very Zen.

What track running has taught me: Pick a track with concrete stairs. I walk the stairs as a warm up but they’re also good for intervals or if you get super mega bored. The aluminum stairs SUCK very slippery when wet, very not sturdy. There are “regulars” at a track, just like at a bar. You’ll see them if you go the same times during the week. They will run or walk or stretch, but they’ll be there. Over time you will be able to greet them and they become kind of your soldiers. You rely on them without thinking. On days where you go alone to run, they’re comforting.  Your muscles and joints will thank you even if your brain will think you’re a hamster in a wheel. Sometimes, especially when you’re healing, it’s not about the challenge it’s about the doing.

No, I refuse (to feel bad for my choices)

Fitness and health are still in the forefront of my mind, why? Because it’s EVERYWHERE. We are constantly being reminded (except for most restaurant commercials) that we are fat and lazy. Online it’s a series of “research results” and “motivational images” telling us what we SHOULD look like and that we can only ACHIEVE this body or our ideal weight by following their plan or tips or reading this research paper on how too much of this causes that.

The constant yammering of what our bodies should look like, what we should be eating and what we should be doing to maximize our weight loss has driven me quite mad. Especially because what we should be eating CHANGES almost daily and for those on a budget apparently we’re just shit out of luck. Just because we can’t afford organic or the high end “specialty stores.” 

I’m here to say “Nay.” What you put in your body is more important to me than exercise as far as being healthy goes. My reason for placing nutrition above exercise is because we have direct, sometimes immediate, reactions to food. For instance, my body doesn’t process red meat, doesn’t mean I don’t absolutely love London Broil, Teriyaki Beef and Kalbi ribs; however, if I don’t take Imodium before eating meat I have a 30 minute window to find a bathroom and lock myself in it for the next 3 hours. I wish I was exaggerating. Food is your most important ally in getting healthy with a side of losing weight. You could burn 1,000 calories a day but if you’re eating cake, cookies, milkshakes, chips, fried chicken and whatever else every day that spare tire probably won’t go anywhere and if it does I’d like to have your genes, please. 

What I eat tends to determine my mood. When I eat crap, I feel like crap. When I eat better, I feel better. I understand why most people say organics are the way to go; it doesn’t get any “healthier” than that. BUT, people have families (or sometimes just a husband who will say nay to double the grocery bill for less food), people are rubbing their pennies together these days, I know I am. Running out and spending even the same amount of a normal grocery bill on smaller organic fruits, veggies and meats, really isn’t an option. 

I shop at Wal-Mart. Yeah, I said it. I’m not afraid to say it. I’m a little embarrassed because Wal-Mart is like the black hole of ethics, but I shop there because I can afford it. I shop at the Commissary because it’s tax free and I shop at Albertsons or IGA when I forgot a small ingredient for dinner or ran out of baby carrots or desperately need bananas. I also shop at the Farmers Market, Trader Joes and Central Market. The later places are pricey and so end up being more of a treat or for specific items. One trip to Central Market we ended up dishing out $150 for beer, ahi tuna steaks, tortillas and a few snacks. It got real. Our Farmer’s Market features organic pork. I will dole out $25 for a pound of ground pork and a somewhat smaller-than-what-I’d-get-at-Wal-mart pork butt. That pork is absolutely delicious, the taste is amazing. But for the most part, yes I buy meat, veggies and fruit at Wal-Mart and guess what? I still lost weight, still feel better, still eat healthier and am full and happy. If you can afford the organics, good for you! For the rest of us, don’t feel guilty for buying what you can where you can. Read the labels of what you’re buying, compare and contrast different products, note the pros and cons, wash your veggies and fruit thoroughly. I clip coupons to be able to buy name brands and bring my costs down, but I also succumb to Wal-Mart’s Great Value brand. Their granola bars are cheaper and have less sodium and even carbs than Quaker. Yes, it makes shopping a longer process vs. walking into a specialty store or Farmers Market, knowing (hoping) that they did the research for you and just grabbing and going. But I cut costs where I can and I have managed to feed myself and my husband (and my dog) on a bi-monthly food budget without any negative effects to my digestive system, my health or my weight loss plans/goals.   

No one should go hungry for the sake of their health. No one should feel guilty that they can’t afford organics. No one should feel bad for getting healthy just because of where they can afford to shop. Do your research, make a budget and do what you can for yourself and your family to become and remain healthy, happy and fit. 

Examples of my Low-Budget Healthy Meals:

Egg white, zucchini, yellow squash omelet, turkey bacon and roasted potatoes (Wal-Mart)

Trader Joe's Savory Popcorn, Strawberries and a Black Forest Turkey, Light Salami and Muenster cheese sandwhich on a Hawaiian Mini-sub roll (all bought at Wal-Mart)

96/4 Ground Beef Veggie Packed Meatloaf with roasted potatoes, brocollini and pineapple (Wal-Mart, Brocollini from Albertsons)

Honey Chicken Stir fry w/ brown & white rice (everything purchased from Wal-Mart)

Salad (everything including the chopped rotisserie chicken from Wal-Mart.)

Ricotta, Onion, Garlic and green bean stuffed Chicken with roasted potatoes and sauteed zucchini, yellow squash and green beans (Green beans were from a friend, Veggies were from Trader Joe's, meat and potatoes - Wal-Mart)

Brocolli sauteed pasta with Chicken Parmesan (brocolli came from Albertsons, everything else - Wal-mart)

Your Daily Dose of Duke #20

Duke has been busy. We're back to being running partners ... Reunited and it feels so good!!! First his foot kept him from running then my knee kept me from running but now we're back on the same page.

BATDOG!

Duke's yearly photo among the dandelions.

How can you not love that face???

My baby is aging, I know it's just the sun but white face makes me sad.

Olympics!!!!

Losing a Same-Sex Parent at a Young Age

“It's just like waking up,
In that second and a half,
The bliss of not remembering,
Before it all comes flooding back.” – Ben Folds

Yes, everyone dies. Yes, sometimes it is sudden. Yes, you are never prepared for it. At some point you lose someone you love, whether that someone is a friend, family or even a fur baby, it hurts and cuts deep and is so permanent.  

Here’s the part where my story may differ from some. I was 13 when I lost my mom. When you lose a parent as an adult you have memories to hold onto, you have a life. When you lose a parent as a teenager, pre-teen or child, you have scraps of memories. Little pieces you try to cling to and you hold on so tightly they tend to crumble to dust. Some days I can remember my mom’s laugh, other days her scent but most days, it’s a wash. I can tell you she dyed her hair a red-brown color and wore green contacts over light brown eyes. I can tell you she was a cardio queen and taught morning aerobics up until the day before she died. I can tell you she hated western medicine and doctors and believed in healing crystals which helped contribute to her downfall. I can tell you I loved her with all my heart. I can tell you it hurts everyday like a scab you can’t stop pick at and it festers and leaves a scar as a constant reminder. Some mornings I forget she’s gone, or that I’m grown up or that I grew up without her.

Most of the time I just feel guilty, because I don’t remember her, because I’m supposed to, because I hold a torch for someone I was only just beginning to know. My mother shaped me and molded me, even put me in the kiln but I wasn’t done yet, I wasn’t ready. I had just started puberty. I had no mother to walk me through hair and makeup, clothes and shaving, bras and tampons. Some people tried to help, but it was hard and there was pain in their eyes. My dad, tried, but he’s a man. If I ran out of deodorant or shaving cream he told me to use his. I spent one year of my teens smelling like Mennen without a bra and rarely shaven legs. I spent another year shaving everything including my stomach and chest because I didn’t know any better. My hair was a mess, my sense of style a disaster and it has taken me years YEARS to find the woman inside of me. To understand my looks, my skin tone, everything. Losing my mom meant losing my guidance and I had to feel my way through adolescence. My mother wasn’t there to tell me there’d be other boys or spend the night letting me vent with cookies and ice cream and movies. It was just me. I was angry for a long time. But it’s no one’s fault, there is no one to be angry at, my mother had a brain aneurysm. She had a blood bubble that slowly leaked into her brain. It amazes me how a little bit of blood can destroy a life, a family, a child.

Losing a same-sex parent at a young age means you don’t only lose your guidance, you don’t only live with guilt for not remembering, it means you also; don’t know how to respond or how to act. My husband told me at his father’s funeral, he didn’t cry and everyone thought this 11-year-old boy was brave. I didn’t cry at my mother’s funeral and everyone thought I was a heartless, cruel child. I’ve cried many tears for my mother over the years. What people don’t understand is as a child you have no coping mechanisms, you have no clue what you should be doing. You are in SHOCK. The gravity of the situation doesn’t hit you for YEARS. As a kid you barely understand your numbers and ABCs let alone death. Something so permanent, so absolute and final how can you expect a child to understand that? I cry at the drop of a hat, over anything, commercials, movies, breaking a glass, but my emotions are bewilderment even to me. I could mechanically tell you about how my mother died and what I had to do to survive without a tear in my eyes and usually with a smile because I know you’re just curious. My emotions have been severed and reattached and so they don’t work like you’d expect. You could be pouring your heart out and I will be dry eyed and supportive but maybe we could be shopping for clothes and I just start crying for no apparent reason. I never learned how to express correctly, how to be appropriate. My mom’s funeral showed me that people judge you constantly and it also showed me that it’s okay because I won’t force feelings, I’m me and that’s all I can be.

Today marks 15 years since my mom passed away. She’s been dead longer than I even had time with her. Each year the anniversary hits me a different way. Some years I completely forget, other years I am overjoyed thinking about the time I did have with her, some years it hits me hard and I can’t contain myself and other years I remember but am neither happy nor sad, it’s just another day. Losing a parent at a young age turns them into a ghost, they are a pale comparison to the person they were or we think they were. They are in your peripherals. They are misty and ambiguous. There are only so many pictures or videos to remind you of someone you can just see the outline of, like a mirage. When the pictures run out, when you've memorized them, when you look at yourself in the mirror and try to pull traits, there's not much more you can do. Some days I remember her voice and think I hear it in mine. Today, I remember everything, the way she clicked her tongue, the way she lost her temper, the way she danced, the way she laughed, her perfume, her outfits, her walk, everything. Tomorrow I might not be so lucky, best to hold on to today.  

Your Daily Dose of Duke #19

It's been a long time, Duke has been pretty much in the same place - on the beach, on the couch and on his various beds... I've wrecked my knee so our runs and hikes have been non-existant.

 

 

 

Weight Loss & I

We are not two peas in a pod, we are not like-minded, we don’t even eat at the same restaurants. However, if weight loss & I were to have a relationship status on Facebook it’d be “It’s complicated.” I’ve always been the “big” girl in my family and among my friends. I lost weight once, 35 pounds totally gone I looked awesome but I gained it all back so now I’m on the road again.  

In January of this year, looking in the mirror I would comment Wow, look at that Buddha belly or Holy moon face, Batman! I also noticed I was rundown, burned out, tired and a glutton. I ate everything and anything because “why not?” That is the lamest excuse ever. That’s like saying well, all my friends jumped off the bridge “why not?” I was fed up with myself, my image, my lameness. All of it. All of it had to go.

Initially weight loss was the goal, the one and only goal and apparently there could only be one. As I started changing my diet and exercising more I kept having these little personal victories pop up like ethereal text messages. You just ran 3 miles. You have been able to sustain a nutritious 1,200 calorie-day and still be full. None of it was overnight it took me 3 months to watch what I put in my mouth and bring my calories down to 1,200. It took me the same amount of time to get up to a 3-mile continuous run. 

Healthy eating quickly became another goal. Making better food choices, paying attention to what I put in my mouth were very important. I wanted this because I figured out my body responds better when it’s got good food in it. Lean meats, veggies and a truckload of fruit make me smile physically and mentally way more than Jack-in-the-Box. Then came exercise. I got addicted to the rush. I love my runners high. I love feeling my strength grow. Now, weight loss is kind of in the backseat. It’s still trying to be a backseat driver but I’m more focused on how great eating and exercising makes me feel and I believe weight loss will come eventually and if it doesn’t hey, that’s okay.

However, that desire, that want to lose weight never fully goes away. I could be blissfully entertaining “eating healthy” and “exercising more” in my home when the doorbell rings and who’s there? Weight Loss with a box, trying to sell me stuff I don’t need. Trying to get me to pay more attention, to eat more or eat less, to do math equations, eat less carbs, bring in science, make a spreadsheet, measure things. It’s trying all the schemes. It’s bringing in all my friends. So-and-so lost weight this way however this person did it this way. Weight loss comes to your door backed with endorsements. It’s a pyramid scheme. Once you buy into it you’ll start enlisting your friends to how THEY should be losing weight. The next thing you know you’re the one with a box, knocking on your friend’s door, interrupting their healthy dinners telling them about all the fine things they should be doing to lose weight.

I’ve decided to put a stop to that for myself. I’ve lost 20 pounds. Would I like to lose more? Sure. It wasn’t easy to lose the 20 pounds I lost but in losing that weight it opened me up to much better things. Exercise and healthy eating those are things I will maintain for the rest of my life, not because I want to lose weight but because I WANT to feel good, I want to feel confident; I want to live a long life. Losing weight is not a forever mission. You can’t spend your entire life losing weight. What you can do is spend your life maintaining a healthy and exuberant lifestyle.

What works for you might not work for me and vice versa if your main mission is to lose weight like mine was, then good luck but know that once you lose the weight it will come down to maintenance so you don’t gain it back. Are you going to measure out your foods for the rest of your life? Are you going to reject your child’s birthday cake in front of their smiling faces because it’s too many carbs? Are you going to abstain from enjoying in eating? If yes, then I wish you the best. If you envision a lifetime of limiting yourself or using math and science as your tools, good for you, go for what makes you happy and what gives you the results you want.

Personally, I’ve found my tastes have simply changed. Instead of chips I crave baby carrots, I turned my breads and pasta to whole grain and they’re so much more filling. My meats are lean, like my muscles. I understand my change will not be the same change for anyone else who started on a weight loss mission and found themselves smack dab in the middle of fitness-burbia or a nutrition wasteland. I will no longer start a sentence with “What I did to lose weight was …” or “what worked for me was…” instead unless you want my honest advice, I’ll just LISTEN. That’s what people who are struggling need. Someone to JUST listen.

There are a lot of paths, a lot of routes and A LOT of unsolicited advice (knock, knock) from EVERYONE you know. Here’s what you do – put on your headphones, tune everyone out and do what works best for you in regards to losing weight, eating better and exercising more. Find your own groove and revel in the fact that once you find it you’ll never have to worry about getting your groove back.

Your Daily Dose of Duke #18

Duke, one word that holds so much power over me. Duke has been a busy boy. He is now almost completely recovered and able to go on four mile jaunts with me. I love having my pooch back as a running partner probably almost as much as Duke loves running. He also got to go across the sound to visit family. He got to see his BFF, Buddy a 110-pound chocolate lab. He got to see his favorite people in the world all my little cousins who swoon over Duke and fight over who gets to walk him. He also terrified my cousin Angela who let him off his leash to run with the other dogs at the beach only to watch him run right off the beach and back to my aunt's house. He is a shady, sheisty little jerk of a dog sometimes.

Come with me if you want to live.

It's a hard life for the Duke.

Duke hates water so riding the ferry usually makes him a ball of whining nerves.

No whining nerves this time.