Leilaism

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Call Me a Loser Because I Can't Win

First world problems? Sure. I am grateful I have a job and a job that allows me to work from home. I’m grateful for my loving husband. This is where my gratitude ends. I’ve had it with my efforts. I’m not normally a quitter. In fact, I preserver where many tell me to turn back, give up, let go.

I have met my wall. The move to California has won. I have been sick since I got here which has severely limited my physical abilities/activities. I haven’t gotten a good night sleep in weeks thanks to waking up every hour with a coughing spell or having Duke puke or the puppy use the carpeted floor as it’s personal bathroom. My husband is gone pretty much continuously. I get him on the weekends (sometimes). I unpacked the house alone. I’m housebreaking a puppy alone. I’m exploring our area alone. Over the past 2 months I have gained 10 pounds, been mostly bed ridden, learned essentially a new job and found out California takes most of my paycheck.

This week is coming to a close, I get paid on Friday. I finally went to the doctor about my never ending illness. He provided a laundry list of suggestions, medications, etc. I can’t afford to do any of that until I get paid. I can’t even afford groceries to get me though the week. I had to ask Tim to transfer $20 into my bank account to cover the gas I put in my car. And he’s also stretching pennies so it’s not just me playing the penniless fiddle.

This is what California has done to me: Given me an endless supply of allergies acerbated by the dry air, take away most of my paycheck so that I am now trying to find a second job, take away my husband, added a puppy that will not be housebroken, changed my job requiring new training, weight gain and let’s see is there anything I’m missing oh yes, taken me away from a great establishment of friends and family.

Sure the sun is out but I’d trade it to be able to afford groceries, medications and gas any day of the week. I know this is a woe’s me post. I know I’m sharing too much. Oh no Leila is being open with feelings. Get over it. Writing is my outlet; if you can’t handle my misery then don’t read it. This isn’t a pity party this is me giving up, which I NEVER DO but I am so tired and sick and upset. So I’m done, I’m retiring. No more Leila to kick around. I’m going to disappear, buckle down. I’m going to focus on me so I don’t get sucked into a black hole. I’m bowing out of humanity until I can see the good in myself again. If you see this as me saying I'm killing myself then you're an idiot. I'm just going to be ex-communication until I can find my bearing again.

I’m waving my white flag, you win California, enjoy picking the flesh from my carcass. Let my bones bleach in the desert.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

I AM A PERSON

Often times, I feel because I hold no religion I am overlooked, not heard and especially disregarded. It’s as though my views, morals and beliefs are easily dismissed simply because I do not follow God, Christ, Buddha, Allah, the Flying Spaghetti Monster or any other form of religion. I have been told because I have no religion, that my moral compass is corrupt, my children will be raised wild and (oddly enough) I worship Satan. First things first, if I worshiped Satan that would be a religion and it would be a religion based on the bible.

Here is the thing about me: I hold no religion but I do have faith, morals and beliefs. I have faith in myself and the goodness I give and hope to receive from others. I believe that we should do onto others and we would have them do onto ourselves. I was raised catholic and while my faith and beliefs may be rooted in that my branches have grown far from it. I am not a kind person to please some unseen entity. I am a kind, caring and loving person because I believe the good you send out will come back. I am the person I am to be a good person, not to be rewarded or receive enlightenment. I give penance for any of my wrong actions and I am always quick to apologize for my short temper, short comings or short jokes. I say “Thank You,” “Please,” and “You’re Welcome” as often as I say hello.

I believe every person deserves love and respect and a second chance. I believe in equal rights, equal pay and being allowed to do with your body what you wish. I have studied many religions and read the bible cover to cover several times. I often believe sometimes it takes more strength to follow something bigger than oneself. However, when that following leads to bigotry, sexism, exclusion and hate. I simply can’t believe that is the path chosen by your higher entity or one that I will ever personally take.

I am no moral judge and juror, no one should be. I don’t care what you do within the law. Drink a big gulp of soda, order a big mac, stockpile guns, worship your entity, and declare your love in public. You are entitled to do what makes you happy and I will never deny someone the right to be happy even if I don’t agree with it. All of this being said everything is a two way street. I will never judge you but I know others judge me for my lack of religion, my tattoos heck even using birth control and while I know I am judged I know I also can’t change someone’s mind about me. Someone who judges is someone who will stick to their original judgment, this much I know. Because I can’t change their mind, I don’t fight it or them. I let go and let love. Why waste the energy trying to change someone’s stubborn mind.

If you engage me I will talk and I will defend my beliefs, my morals and my faith just as any person with a religion would do. I am no different from someone with religion. We are all people trying to figure out our purpose and trying to survive.

For those who have expressed concern about raising a child without religion I want to assure you they will have faith. Faith that people (though rarely these days) all carry the seed of good. They will not hold hatred in their hearts. They will not see people as colors or gay or straight or male or female. They will, like me, know and understand that people are people no matter where you are and that being kind is a virtue, not chore. They will learn to be accepting of everyone and to listen and accept all religions. They will be citizens of the soul. My children (if I have any) will be sweet and loving and willing to help anyone and everyone just as I am. They will not be afraid to stand up for what they believe and what they think is right and while they are free to choose a religion of their own it will be their choice because religion is a personal choice and no one should be tried and hanged for any personal choice.

Friday, March 8, 2013

AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH.... Thanks For Listening

Some days, I struggle to keep my head above water. Some days, it seems easier to just let myself sink. I’ve never let myself sink to the bottom, who knows it might be a wondrous world of mermaids and lost cities but I might get stuck there. I might go native and never return.

Instead I force myself to fight. I swallow water sometimes. I try to float sometimes to give my muscles a rest. I brawl it out to keep going and I hope that one day I’ll find land. That someday there will be a purpose to my struggles. I hope it comes before I am too water logged; before I can no longer keep my head up. I’ve decided I don’t want to know what’s at the bottom, or more importantly what I will become at the bottom.

There are a lot of stress factors in my life right now. We moved from Washington, where we had a lot of family support, some great friends and a pretty good life to California where family is spread out, friends are few and far between and our life hit the reset button. We moved here because my husband got out of the Navy and took a job with a civilian company. We moved here because we thought it was best for us. I haven’t seen my husband except for the weekends since we moved here. He’s been in Santa Barbara (too far for him to commute daily), Phoenix, Las Vegas and Pennsylvania. It has left me struggling to unpack the house by myself. Struggling to tie up loose ends, find vets, doctors, pharmacies and all the other little things that make up, LIFE. I don’t understand the point of moving if they are just going to fly him to different places every week. To add to the stress of moving not only was a bunch of our stuff delivered damaged, but we rescued a puppy. This puppy is supposed to be for my husband who has never had a dog of his own. Unfortunately, he’s in Pennsylvania the week we brought her home and now I am stuck unpacking and house training a new dog. He comes back for less than 48 hours then flies to San Francisco. For the entire month of April he will be in San Diego. I will get to see him on the weekends. I feel like I have partial custody with my husband and his new job. I don’t even get him in the mornings or evenings, just weekends, when he’s so exhausted from traveling I feel bad asking him for help.

I wish I could say the stress ended there. During the 3 days I took off for my husband and I to move to California my job got restructured. My department was completely eliminated. I was absorbed into a different department and was giving a multitude of new tasks and very little time or training. I’m trying to adjust to my new role and hoping upon hope that I don’t get fired. Everyday it’s a new set of fears and I’m struggling to adapt. I’m not as knowledgeable as people think I am in the tasks and I am really just trying to take deep breaths and calm down.

The job shift did not afford us more income, but it also didn't grant us less. That being said the move took a major toll on our fiances and I was already in debt but now even with saving up for the move it's more so. Tim is no better off. Here's the fact people, after taxes I make $2000/month that is it. That is what I'm working with. It could be worse but it is what it is. We are painfully struggling under the weight of bills, debt, car and pet registrations and other moving expenses.

All of these issues have caused massive weight gain. I’m a very healthy person I try to stay active I’ve kind of dropped off with running but I did join a gym and I take several classes there a week. I take long 3+ mile walks daily with the dogs and I eat well. It’s very frustrating that the one thing I can control, my diet and exercise is making me feel out of control. I don’t really care much about losing weight anymore I did for a while. I tried eating more, eating less, more cardio, less cardio, more strength training, changing my routine, varying my workouts combining my workouts and not a pound was lost nor inches nor did I gain muscle. This has been over the past YEAR. So I quit trying to lose weight because obviously it wasn’t happening but to gain weight infuriates me. I love working out. I like to sweat, it’s cleansing, I feel amazing afterwards and I push myself, hard but my clothes don’t fit and my muscles aren’t defined.

It’s very easy for me to let myself sink right now. I don’t see my husband; I don’t see friends or family. I don’t know what is going on with my job. I don’t know what is going on with my body. Our new addition is not house broken and unpacking is a nightmare. Somehow though, through all of this I’ll keep my head up and persevere despite my exhaustion, my frustrations and my pain. I’ll keep looking for land. My life is not calm. My life is not okay. I am very upset and cry daily. However, I am trying and I am doing what I can. It’s not satisfactory but it’s tolerable I have a husband and a job and 2 dogs. That’s better than some. I’m holding on, I’m treading water, I’m surviving in the hope that one day it will be worth it one day things will make sense, things will come together things will be better. They’ll never be perfect but I live for better. It would be so easy to give up, but life has never been easy for me, why should it start now?

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Your Face and Food

Low carb, high protein, no sugar, Paleo, Atkins, shakes, juice, cleanse, percentages … I feel like it’s all such crap. I mean whatever works for your body and you’re willing to maintain long term (meaning until you’re old and wrinkled) then have at it. I know my body and my body rebels against me and pretty much hates everything I try to do to it. That being said, any type of restrictive diet and I don’t work. Okay, THAT being said I have a restrictive diet for medical reasons thanks to my super sensitive stomach. I can’t eat red meat (unless it’s crazy lean, as in as lean as it could ever possibly be. That cow ran marathons in the hills of someplace sunny and had a name), can’t eat mayonnaise, dried apricots, acidic tomatoes, cherries (yeah I still eat them and suffer) and there’s more I just can’t remember right now. Most of these are what I call gut punchers. For me if I eat too much I end up in the bathroom for a good chunk of the day (3-6 hours), in pain. The dried Apricots make my throat close so that’s always fun.

All of THAT being said, my “diet” is called balance and moderation. Boom! I waved my magic wand and will now lose weight. Ha! But seriously it took me a long time to find what worked for me and I can proudly say I don’t care. If I never get to my “goal weight,” I don’t care. If I plateau and feel my workouts are in vain, I don’t care. If I could possibly be a little bit healthier, I don't care. The reason I stopped caring? If you’re going to try to make me do math or take away my bread I will cut you. I bet there are a lot of things I could do to my diet to make it so that I lose more weight or am slightly healthier but you know what? I don’t care. I try to eat mostly veggies and fruit with some lean proteins (egg whites, chicken breast, lean ground beef and center cut pork loins with the occasional bacon thrown in there), whole wheat or fiber rich breads and pastas and of course white rice that I mix with brown and while I'm not the thinnest I've ever been in my life (18-20 year old Leila was Hot) or as tone, etc, etc. I don't care. I don’t believe my body can’t process the food I’m giving it. Want to know why? Because I have very few stomach issues (aside from where I get sick off cherries) and I poop regularly. Poop is important. I don’t care who you think you are that you’re above poop but you’re not. If you’re not pooping at least once a day, something might be wrong. I don’t know what might be wrong but you should be pooping and it shouldn’t be painful or liquid or weird. If you have a dog and you pick up their poop, don’t tell me you don’t know if something is or isn’t wrong with your dog by their poop. When it’s a weird color, not solid at all, painful or bloody you get concerned right? You should probably do the same for yourself. My dog, like his owner, has a sensitive stomach. He can’t have red meat or pineapples (though he loves them). I can tell when someone (usually me) has been sneaking him restrictive food because his poop is weird and painful. You’ll be happy to know, I poop fine.

Now that I have completely grossed out anyone actually reading this allow me to say: our bodies are wonderlands (ha ha ha). No but they are they are unique, amazing, complex, awe inspiring things no matter what shape or size or color. Find your balance, find what works for you and cling to that for dear life. Make sure it’s something you can maintain until you have more wrinkles than cells in your body (ha!) and don’t listen to the nay sayers, the haters, the advice givers, etc. etc. Unless your DOCTOR tells you you’re allergic or your health needs help, DO NOT GOOGLE DIETING TIPS OFF THE INTERNET or let your friends dictate your diet. What works for them may not work for you. My Tutu (grandmother) has lived her entire life (92 years) off pretty much fresh fruit, meat, rice, coffee, fat and white wine. If you cut the fat off your steak or take the skin off your chicken, Tutu will eat it. My tutu got a hip replaced when she was 90 and isn't wheelchair bound by any sense of the word. She’s only recently shrunk down to 5’8” and I feel like if anyone tried to take away any of her key foods, her health would suffer. Listen to your bodies, work with your bodies, not against them and don’t let your brain do all the talking (Do I really want that hamburger which I know will cause my stomach to explode or am I even really hungry?). Accept your body, listen to it, love it and moving it around a bit doesn't hurt either but don’t take it from me take it from you.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

A Day

I feel it is okay to have a day. Whether it’s a day to yourself or to be sad, happy, to reconnect with nature, to eat a pint of ice cream, to sleep, to drink till you forget, the list continues. It’s okay to have a day. Don’t beat yourself up. Don’t regret your day; don’t be upset that you had it.

I am many things – Awesome, fragile, loving, supportive, petty, funny, smart, stupid, beautiful, etc., etc. I’m not one thing. I am a writer simply because it’s in my heart. Do I get published or even write much anymore, nope. Would I like to, yep but I’m not going to be upset with myself because of my time restrictions or lack of motivation. I can’t be mad at me all the time. Recently it’s been drawn to my attention that I am apparently a photographer too, though I am very, very hesitant to say that. I know many photographers and I by no means can compete with them but I am selling prints of my scenery so I guess I have to accept that I am what I am and that’s all that I am. I am a hula dancer. This I can say confidently. I’ve dance with 3 halaus and 1 group spanning 14 years. I am not a kumu, I would like to be someday, though. I’m just a little brown girl in a little grass skirt in love with my culture, my heritage and the graceful beauty that is hula dancing. I am a runner. No explanation needed, I hope. It took many people to make me realize what I am, what I have the potential to be and what I need to appreciate about myself.

My day today is a pitiful one. My husband and I just moved to California from Washington leaving behind, for me friendships that I cannot replace. Today he leaves for a 2-day trip. I’m alone with my dog in a house full of boxes. I miss my friends, my Washington sunrises, my husband and my crafts. There is the crushing weight of defeat pressing down on me today. This move was stressful our stuff got thrashed in the move, our financial situation is nonexistent, my job got reformed and I was fearing I’d lose it, there was a lot that went into this move. To top it off the move made running sort of null and void for a while and I find myself starting from scratch. Slowly building up my endurance again. My wrist and left hip are both damaged. Hula dancing is on the back burner as is photography. Writing has been on the back burner since 2006.

I feel off track, disassembled, lost. I’m allowing these feelings. I’m letting them happen. I’m letting them wash over me. I’m allowing all the fear, guilt, sadness and pain soak in through my skin. I’m giving myself this day because I know tomorrow is a new day. One where if I need to I will list the benefits of this move. Life is interesting it pulls a lot of magic tricks, a lot of suspense, a lot of pit falls. Give yourself a day to appreciate what you are truly feeling. Let it be one day, then wash that day right out of your hair and send it down the drain.

Something I wrote (somewhat) recently:

Other People

One of my favorite Photos I've ever taken: