Never Ending Story

Once the cake has been eaten, the champagne drunk, the bouquet tossed and the smiles fade, all you’re left with are blurry memories and sometimes just blurry pictures.  To counteract that because if you were to ask me merely  4 months after my wedding what I did the day of my wedding it would probably sound something like this,

“There was sunshine and water and Tim forgot the rings and there was cake and it was awesome.”

I hired a videographer.

My first big mistake in my wedding was hiring all my friends as vendors. Yes, they will work extra hard because they love you but you also are willing to let things slide because you love them. That being said my hair, makeup, flowers, photos are awesome. However, as with everything in life it all comes down to the he said she said bull. My photographer (who is also one of my best friends) brought with her from North Carolina all the way to Hawaii 3 additional people – her roommate (who I don’t know but ended up taking some video for the wedding), her photographer friend (who I’ve met before briefly and we ended up hiring for videography in addition to shooting some photos) and her photographer friend’s assistant (who I don’t know but was supposed to help Emily with photos or something). I was pretty excited about having so many people to work on my wedding.  No matter how stressed out you are on your wedding day at some point you do feel like a princess, like the prettiest thing in the room.

However because it was my friend or the dreaded friend of a friend, some wires got crossed and mass confusion ensued.  I didn’t get photos of some of the things I wanted and to top it off my family wouldn’t listen to me and we ended up taking family pictures in the dark with NO SCENERY of the ceremony site. The biggest mess up (mostly on my part) was even though I mentioned things on the wedding day no one was writing things down we were all hoping our brains could cope with the massive amount of stress, busywork and insanity that was my wedding day. I found out that day that my wedding video was going to play more like a highlight reel which I am skeptical about and therefore insisted that our first dance and my hula be on the video in its entirety. The other missed discussion was deadline. I gave vendors a 3-month window and for the most part received everything – photo booth pictures, wedding pictures, etc. I figure at 3 months I would be sending out THANK YOU cards and therefore shutting the door on my wedding.

Turns out with crossed wires comes great responsibility. The videographer would email me updates on my video and told me in the beginning of November that it would just be a few more weeks for me to get my wedding video. I felt there was no need or I assumed that having the videos by Christmas was a no brainer. Our wedding was July 30, I was hoping to get our video mid-December (3 months with some leeway). Of course, I never actually emailed or said that other than on the wedding day that I wanted the video by Christmas I just assumed it would all fall into place, just like my wedding. *shakes head* I should have known better.

He Said, She Said: Videographer told our mutual friend the Photographer the intricate details of hiring him as a videographer (or so he claims). Nothing was relayed to me because it’s not photographer’s job. I hired him, I’m paying him, I signed a contract with him. One of the things Videographer told Photographer is that he doesn’t normally do videography and given his hectic work schedule he wouldn’t be able to start editing the wedding video until Fall/Winter. This means I wouldn’t get my video by Christmas.  (Even though he emailed me in Nov that it would be done soon). More drama: Roommate who was also taking video for the wedding was supposed to give the footage to Videographer. This apparently never happened.

Bottom line: even though we only see my husband’s family in Boston once a year at Christmas and NONE of them made it to the wedding. We won’t get to watch the wedding video with them this year even though our wedding was 4 months prior.

Photo stolen from Here.

My wedding was beautiful and it was the best day simply because I am now married, to the man I love. I would now, however, pay someone to let me take a sledgehammer to my wedding. The wedding video was the last piece of my stressful wedding and I have to endure more?

Word to the wise: If you hire your friends, be firm with them. Set deadlines and remind them of it. Also, hire a wedding planner. One more thing, screw having a big family wedding do a destination wedding where only 20 people will show up, or better yet, get married at Comicon or get married at an event you’ll truly enjoy and minimize your stress.

Divorce is for Quitters?

For those who haven’t gone through a divorce, they don’t understand its importance when it’s over. While a wedding is supposed to be the bonding of two souls for eternity, sometimes it doesn’t go that way. Divorce seems to have become a rite of passage in this country. What once was considered taboo is now widely accepted, kind of like birth control. Divorce is never easy or looked back on with joy, but it’s a new fact of life that touches almost 50 percent of Americans.

In my case, I got married a month after I turned 18 and after 5 years of marriage we were just heading in different directions. No matter how amiable the break up is, it’s not easy. It’s dissolution of marriage. A breaking of vows. A plunge into the unknown. Even if you are the initiator of the divorce it’s hard. You waiver, question yourself and are in pain. You have to civilly divide up all the things you collected and loved as a married couple, all the wedding gifts, the money, then there’s alimony, kids, pets, cars, etc. It’s horrible and it’s dragging both people through the mud. It can get really petty and kind of ridiculous. Maybe he stipulates that he gets back all the love letters her wrote you, which requires you to find them and then of course you’re going to read them and then you start questioning why this whole thing was put into motion.  

No, it’s not the same as someone who dated for years and “broke-up.” When you’re dating someone it usually doesn’t require a lawyer and a judge to dissolve your union. Also, there’s no legal documentation that you get the couch.  You have to be nice and smile and hope that the other person isn’t going to be an asshole. Okay that part is a lot like a divorce. The main difference is once the divorce is finalized, you’re done and you never HAVE to see that person again. With a break-up, you will probably interact with that person for the next 3 years. You’ll have left a really important CD in his car or he forgot you had his jacket 2 years later. With a divorce, there is no going back, no revisiting. Sure, it may take a year or two to finalize a divorce where both the parties are happy with their stuff and money but once the judge signs that paper what you have are yours and that is that.

A divorce until it is absolutely finished weighs down on you. It changes you. Perhaps you’re more sullen, quiet and contemplative. Maybe instead you’re more into bars and parties and want to use any method to escape the fact. It’s hard for you to focus on much else because you’re thinking a million things at once – Am I doing the right thing? What if he demands his ring back and we have to go through another revision? Will he give me the tool box? I hope he doesn’t fight for the dog? I hope he doesn’t hate me? Do I hate him? Will I be okay on my own? Why did we get married in the first place? Oh yeah, that’s right that was a very sweet moment in my life. It goes on and on until the judge signs the paper and you’re done and then for whatever reason the sun shines brighter and the sky seems bluer. All those questions, all the worrying, all the fretting and cursing and crying and emptiness vanish because if nothing else that part of your life is done and you can, willingly, finally move on.

My divorce required a year separation and then it took 2 months to finalize the divorce papers and get it signed by a judge. A year is a long time to look at your marriage in review. It’s stressful and horrible and makes you feel like your life is amiss, like you did something wrong. When my divorced papers came in the mail, I went to my favorite local bar and drank and drank. I didn’t tell people why. Even though I initiated the separation I hadn’t planned for divorce. I was happy and sad all at the same time but having the papers heavy in my hands gave me the kick in my pants I needed to move on with my life. There was no going back to the way things were. I was surprisingly okay with it and found the next week granted me the ability to revel in the little joys of life. No more questions.

To those with the signature of a judge drying on your papers or to those still in the process of getting there, I raise my glass to you. It’s a long, hard road but this is the moment your life begins anew. Enjoy it and don’t take it for granted.

Pissing and Moaning

Once in awhile (sometimes more often than not) we just get those days where the weight of the world bears down on our chests. Where all the little things going wrong join forces and becomes one major weight and we wake up drowning. Today is one of my days like that. It’s like the all-day feeling of “did I leave the stove on?” Except it’s how will I ever find the money to pay things off and enjoy life?

ThinkGeek.com is the coolest

It’s not wanting to look at your bank account because you don’t want to see the measly $5 to last you until payday.  It’s falling in love with a Flying R/C Shark only to regret the purchase because that money could have gone towards any one of a trillion bills. Its feeling overweight, underpaid and more importantly you feel like you can’t breathe. Life presents a crushing, fatal heart aching defeat. You feel trodden under bills, wants, desires, dreams, obligations, expectations, impulses and pain. You don’t want to disappoint anyone. You want to enjoy the moment but in the back of your mind you’re calculating how you will ever be able to pay for this thing called life. You made some mistakes maybe, burned through some reserve cash. Maybe not even that you bought something necessary – a car, a house, a wedding and it’s when the total cost comes in the mail you realize, what have I done?

That was my feeling this morning as I poured over sites looking for affordable airfare to Orlando for my husband’s 30^th birthday. Then the button on my $70 jeans fell out, then the cost of the Orlando trip started adding up in my head as my car payments, large credit card debt and sad salary tagged themselves into the death match. Then the budget I set up to try and give my husband and I a cushion for his release from the Navy jumped in with a folding chair and started pinning me against the ropes. It was a day of defeat, of wanting to forego work to play Tetris online or maybe Scrabble. A day of wanting to cry bitter tears into a vat of chocolate flavored fat to console my fatty brain and soothe the money woes. A day of wanting to gripe and moan and cry over what went wrong.

Ah, love the great defeater of pain.

Instead of all that depression, I took a later lunch and jogged/walked 2 miles with my dog in the sunshine. My outlook is better. Sometimes you have to look not at the things that need to happen but at the things that are happening. I am lucky in many ways and foolish in other ways. I’ve learned life is a great bamboozler if you let it be. But I will pay down my debt, I will have a wonderful time in Orlando for my husband’s 30^th birthday and I will buy new jeans … While we’re at it I will lose weight and I will get a raise at work.  Life has a lot of ups and downs, shadows and sunshine it’s all where you stand and how far you want to walk. My journey’s not over yet.

Halloweenie

Little Leila as a Witch!

I couldn’t imagine the fall season passing by without the joys of Halloween. As a kid every year for Halloween my neighborhood would have all the costumed kids start at one end of our main street and we would parade, with the high school marching band leading the way, to a party house.  Once we reached the party house there’d be food and festivities – bobbing for apples, hot apple cider, pumpkin carving. It was some of the best memories of my life. My mother would make all our costumes from scratch and we spent just as much time as a family, carving pumpkins and trick-or-treating as we did with any other holiday.

It bugs me, personally, when people prevent their kids from partaking in the dress up, fantasy and family time that IS Halloween. I understand some people do it for religious reasons, which I find a little ridiculous. Halloween is in no way a religious holiday I think the closest it has to being religious is All Saints Day and Day of the Dead. Both are rooted in Catholicism, not “Satan worshiping.” Halloween is in no way a devil-worshipping, sacrificial, bringing the dead to life celebration. It’s rooted in a million myths and beliefs but it is not a religious holiday. While were on it, technically, neither is Thanksgiving. Think about it you think the Native Americans who joined in that meal understood who the pale skins god was? No? Thanksgiving to me is a time to come together and be grateful for one another, not necessary to be thankful to an almighty entity.

No one said you have to join in the haunted houses mayhem that is plentiful during the celebration. Carve happy faces in your pumpkin instead of a scary one.  I understand if you want to keep your kids away from the terrifying parts of Halloween, sure. Then do that, but there is no reason you have to cut out the fun holiday fully. If your child wants to spend time with her friends and dress up as a princess, is that wrong? Isn’t that what she does during her imaginary tea parties? Except on this day she can go out and be rewarded for her fantastical costume and adorableness.  I had friends as a kid who had diabetes and they would go trick or treating and sell their candy to their parents – Ha!

Our carvings 2011

Bottom line: I am in love with Halloween it has always been a time of the year where the temperature cools and family time begins (next in line – Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years all big family celebrations). Halloween is a celebration of harvesting and ushering in the winter. It’s when the leaves change colors and you can wear that awesome scarf again. Whenever my husband and I have kids, you better believe if they come to me with their big beautiful eyes and ask me if they could please be a fairy for  Halloween and go trick-or-treating, I will buy a sewing machine and get on it. I will not push Halloween on my children. I don’t think any of our lifestyles should be pushed on our children. If I, as a meat eater, discover my child doesn’t like meat, guess what? I’m not going to tell them they can’t leave the table until they eat their meat. If Halloween scares my child I will not force them to participate. But if my child comes to me excited and sees and grows from my Halloween enthusiasm, I’m running out and buying more pumpkins.

Sleek Geek Shopping

The holidays are upon us and I don’t mean Christmas. Halloween is the best time for nerds you’re allowed to display your zombie, vampire, werewolf, Star Trek, Star Wars, comic book memorabilia without judgment.  But shopping for nerd stuff doesn’t begin or end with Halloween. You can add nerd needs to a wedding registry on registries like myregistery.com (www.myregistry.com) you can add ANYTHING it doesn’t have to be shop specific like a Macy, Target or Crate & Barrel registry. There are two geek fantastic sites I’d like to discuss – Geek Chic and Think Geek.  These are two places that I use and are tried and true (besides Etsy, my first love).

Geek Chic  (www.geekchichq.com) is not what you think it is. They are a furniture company made for gamers. Whether your game is D & D, Xbox, Play Station, Risk, puzzles, scrabble or anything else. Their tables, desks, and chairs are handmade works of art. They are as functional as they are beautiful. As a wedding gift to us my husband and I bought their Hoplite table as a coffee table. We eyed this furniture for awhile. They are a pretty penny. We saw them first at the 2010 Emerald City Comicon, being that they’re a local company based in Everett, why wouldn’t they be there?  It wasn’t until 2011’s Emerald City Comicon that we went ahead and put our names down on the waiting list. Yes there is a waiting list and a deposit required when you decide to purchase one of these magnificent wooden alters of nerdisism.  We’ve been in the queue for our table since Mach 2011 we were informed in July that our table is being moved up the queue to verification/manufacturing. It’s worth waiting for, trust me.  Now we’re waiting to hear from our Logistics Liaison and the delivery team to have our golden table of geekdom brought to us.  They will customize your table to your needs. Do you want a velvet inlay? A washable/writable inlay? Drawers that offer cushioned, custom controller holders for your XBOX or Playstation? They have whatever you can imagine and if they don’t they’ll make it for you. 

Think Geek (www.thinkgeek.com) is where I go when I need a nerd fix, whether that fix is Star Wars Rebel Alliance headphones or  a Star Trek Pizza cutter, they have whaterver you need to spruce up your home, make your life easier and decorate your body. We put a lot of items from Thin Geek on our Wedding Registry – Salt and Pepper grenade shakers, MagnoGrip (magnetic wristband holds nails, screws, etc) and our friends even took the initiative and got us things from there not on our registry, like the large yard zombie.  They have books, tools, apparel, home & office, gadgets, geek toys, edibles and computer stuff. Whatever your little nerdy heart desires.

So think outside of the box with your wedding registry, Christmas gifts, Halloween decorations and celebrations. Raise you nerd flag and take your geek out for a walk. Don’t be afraid.

Live Long and Prosper

That's kind of the motto for every wedding right? Or, it should be. Live long with your soul mate and prosper. Whether prosper means spitting out 12 kids or getting rich and famous or having an enriching life with your loved one. Either way, Live Long and Prosper my friends and Stay Thirsty. No, wait. That's something else.

Anyways if you're a Trekkie (like me) you might want your wedding to reflect that . How about Star Trek Bridesmaid dresses or instead of bouquets they carry phaser guns? All the groomsmen are carrying communicators and you have a Klingon conducting the ceremony. Ah, yes, that would be awesome. So where to begin for planning your Star Trek wedding, like this?

Taken from www.GeekSugar.com

For starters, there's a great Trekkie site called RoddenBerry (www.roddenberry.com). This site allows you to buy everything from phasers to dresses. If you want a more hands on approach, they sell patterns. Prop replicas, prop kits, blueprints for the TOS stage, even gift ideas they have pretty much whatever Star Trek fare you're into.

If you want to make your own wedding cake, here's a video on how to make a pretty sweet one.

There are a million sites you can go to for Star Trek gifts, cake toppers, cuff links even garter belts – Etsy, eBay, Amazon, Think Geek. Really, any of them will do. But I wouldn't dig too deep. A lot of things can be done by you or with friends. You don't have to necessarily buy it. Ideas are great, implication is hard.

Shop Kizette: For the Love of Geek.... on Etsy.com

I personally, love Star Trek I would have loved to have that theme in my wedding, but my loss is your gain.  Here are some helpful hints to get the planning started. I know what you're think, I just can't do it, I don't have the power. But you're wrong, Scotty. You can do it. The internet is the final frontier... Okay, not really but it can seem that way when you're navigating treacherous sites, soul sucking stupidity and not finding an inkling of what you are looking for, instead you get side tracked and forgotten. Well, here's a place to start. Now stay focused my friend.

"What you WANT is irrelevant, what you've CHOSEN is at hand." - Spock

Nerdgasm

When it came to planning for our wedding, I looked up a lot of nerd stuff. My go-to for hilarity and even sometimes ideas was wedinator.com. For instance it was on that site that I saw this creative online wedding invitation  

and that I found this awesome wedding cake 

But also, when the stress got to me it calmed with images like this.

It was only after goofing around and trying to wade through the nerd muck that is the internet, that I realized there's no real one site to bring together the four corners of the nerd world and by that I mean – Star Trek, Star Wars, Comic Books and Sci Fi-isms (Doctor Who, Futurama, Lego, Video Games, etc). I mean it's really hit or miss if you're looking for places to actually buy geek chic for your wedding.

You can get some of it on Etsy or eBay but you're putting so much time and effort into this wedding, there's got to be another way and maybe, just maybe I can be your way. One of the sites that prompt my decision to be your geek wedding designer is geekeverafter.com I came across this site at work and when I saw the title blew a gasket, finally, NERDS UNITE! But if you actually go to the site … there's not much geek happening. There's not much of anything happening. It made me mad.

So I will be your sherpa (or try to be) up the mountain of nerd-ness. Let me know how I can expand or improve.

What is Love?

After meeting Tim, I’ve come to analyze love. Not only because people asked me constantly about our “story” and how we “knew,” but because I like to analyze things and break it down. What I’ve come to realize is my definition of the big L word. My definition and even ways to maintain it. This isn’t my first time at the poker table, but how did I know Tim and I were each other’s “ones?” Read Below.

Definition: Love is exposing yourself to someone, with all your daily habits, eccentrics, weirdness and flaws and having one person who loves and appreciates every part of you.

A Couple of Weirdoes

I am an odd mixture of nerves, delights, craziness, happiness, optimism, fears, and clumsiness (just to name a few) all combined into a carbonated beverage and someone’s shook the bottle. I am excited over small things, dance in supermarkets, make up songs about my dog and food and am terrified of birds (just to name a few). I have several laughs, I am loud, talkative, outspoken and at times barbaric, my husband loves me for all of these reasons.

Life would be boring if it weren’t weird. My husband not only accepts all the random parts that make up a full Leila, but he appreciates it. He doesn’t love me (only) for my looks or my superficial qualities, he doesn’t love me (only) because I laugh at all his jokes and he doesn’t love me (only) because I take care of him. He loves all of me and he revels in my eccentrics and me in his. 

This also puts us totally at ease with one another, which means common bodily functions, expressive language and mannerisms are all taken and accepted.  Basically, we don’t have to pretend or hide any part of ourselves from one another.

Getting Down and Dirty

If you can’t tell your partner that they’ve got something in their teeth, scratch their back or clean up their puke after a long night of adventures, then you haven’t taken down all the relationship walls yet.

For instance, Tim had surgery not long after we started living together. It was in a sensitive spot one most people wouldn’t want anyone paying attention to nor would anyone want to actually be around that part of someone’s body for long periods of time. I didn’t think twice about cleaning the stitches, attending to the wounds and replacing bandages. Everyone told me “well, it must be love.” Well, duh. Being able to still be so enamored and happy to be with someone whom you just wiped drool or snot away from their face, says a lot.

In return, Tim has had to endure some horrific situations with me and my fickle stomach.  If you can still smile and kiss a person who just spent 4 hours in the bathroom with what sounded like explosions being the only noise making it through the door, guess what? You’re pretty comfortable with one another.  And odds are you won’t get grossed out with the daily grinds of living in the same space.

Love Obsession

I love Tim. I love him so much that every event I plan, I plan with Tim in mind. I am obsessed with Tim. I know what he likes, I know what he doesn’t like. I can read what mood he’s in and what he’ll want for dinner.  I love having pictures of Tim and I and I love to look at pictures of Tim and me.

There is this crazy need to always have Tim in the back of my mind. It’s wonderful. I’ve never been with someone I’ve wanted to spend so much time with. There is a thin line however between love obsession and actual obsession. I do not stalk Tim, read his emails, go through his phone or have to contact him constantly during the day. When I get home I require a kiss and some cuddling before bed but knowing where the guy is 24/7 is way too distracting for those of us with a life.

Having a Life

Obsession is fun but separation has it perks too. So that we don’t become bored or irritated with one another, I have always thought it was important to have separate hobbies that take you away from one another. I love Tim I want to spend time with him, but I do not want to learn Brazilian Jujitsu. Sorry, we don’t have to have everything in common. I love to run, Tim hates to sweat without a purpose.

In addition to our difference on exercise, I like to dance hula and I don’t think that is a passion for Tim.  We also like different comic books, have different passions and attend different events. Being together all the time can be exhausting. You have no fun stories to tell that don’t get cut short with “I was there.” So Tim plays poker with work people and I have game nights with my coworkers.  Having circles of friends that you can hang out with together or separately is fantastic. If Tim doesn’t want to go shoe shopping (because that’s high on a man’s priority list) then I have a back-up.

I enjoy our time apart because it makes our time together that much better.  Am I sad if he goes away on even an overnight trip? Yes. Because I’m obsessed with him.  Is it going to be the death of me? No.

Free Thinkers

Tim and I don’t see eye-to-eye on everything. I love that. We can have debates without getting hot headed, we can have different viewpoints and talk about it. We can even outright say we don’t like something the other one does and it’s okay. I hate the band Kittie, Tim does not. Tim loves the comic book DMZ, I do not.

We both like a lot of the same things – movies, some comic books, authors, video games, etc but the things we differ on aren’t a means to an end. He likes vampires, I like zombies. They are both horror film icons but we aren’t going to argue their fundamentals and why the other person should like this. I can say I think Tim would look handsome in argyle sweater vests and he can, in turn, laugh in my face. I’m not going to push the issue.  If one of us likes something we don’t force fed it to the other one.

I’m a fan of growing and changing but all in due time.

So that’s it. I love Tim and I love him because we have the above type of connection. I knew Tim was for me because from the minute we met I was obsessed and couldn’t stop thinking about him. We’ve spent our relationship exploring one another’s flaws, weaknesses, fears, oddities and have only grown into a deeper love and appreciation. If they try to change you, rip you down, control your life or are in anyway abusive, that ain’t love, get out.

Weddings = Madness

As a researcher for a wedding company, I literally look at hundreds of websites a week that are wedding related. Some websites are shockingly beautiful (mostly photographers) and some are shockingly bad (djs). Some offer a lot of good ideas and advice (wedding planners) and some offer nothing but their services (bakeries).  Wading through the bull, what has stood out to me with weddings are, they’re a big ‘ol mess and up to anyone’s interpretation.

To me a wedding is a big celebration regarding the joining of two lives because of the bonds of love. You want to be with this person, you want to grow old with this person, support this person, be proud of this person, maybe start a family and create new life, together. Your personalities should be reflected in your celebration whether it’s 20 guests or 200. Finding a leg to stand on or where to start is hard.

I remember buying three wedding magazines that looked interesting to me. When I flipped through the almost catalogue sized magazines, I was only able to find one, ONE, image worth tearing out of the “books” to add to my wedding portfolio. All the pictures were gorgeous but all the weddings featured were the same. They all seemed to fall into one of these categories- fancy dress/high fashion wedding, relaxed dress/country wedding, interesting dress/hipster wedding or flowing dress/beach wedding.  They all had detail pictures some neat but mostly they were all things I had seen before. The same checklist of what to do and when to do it. It was, to be honest, boring. All the brides were these thin, waifs of a girl in white dresses and the men were rough and handsome. I began to doubt these were even real weddings. It seemed like an elaborate stage set in glossy, high resolution.

Where is the magazine to help brides plan on a budget? Or plan from out of state? Or plan a unique wedding? Have we lost all use for being individuals and unique? Where are the glamorous bigger girls? The sassy mixed breeds? Have weddings too become so mainstream there is no river of diversion? Every magazine was telling me – this is a once in a lifetime event you should splurge, but I didn’t want to, I wanted to be thrifty and fun and smart about it.

Everyone seems to mention offbeatbiride.com, which is a great site, but it too hyper focuses on a certain type of wedding – everyone is tattoo’d, goth, punk, rockabilly, psychobilly, zombies. It’s the exact opposite, but that’s it. It too lax diversity. It has great ideas and suggestions but lacks the traditional influence. Also, while the internet is grand, I really just want something concrete, in my hands to flip through. I don’t want to pay a small fortune for a book I will use for six months and then try to resell on Amazon. I sit in a chair all day and surf the internet for work, the last thing I wanted to do was sit in a chair in front of my computer at home and research wedding tips, ideas, timelines, etc.

Most of what I came up with for my wedding was just things that came to me and some suggestions from friends – a futurama wedding cake, a photobooth with a cheesy Tiki theme, Tiki magnets as favors to go with the photobooth pictures, my dress was bought from a consignment bridal shop… I mean it wasn’t like I needed to research a lot but I wanted to because this is the one day you can make it all about you. If you want pies instead of a wedding cake, go for it, if you want a skull covered alter instead of a marble one, have at it, if you want a black dress instead of white, enjoy.

I just want all brides to know it’s not easy, being green (eco-friendly) or finding your own groove. You get a lot of sometimes unwanted input from people on what your wedding should be and it’s easy to lose sight of what your day is … It’s YOUR day. I loved my wedding I just wish there was some magazine out there that I could buy in the local grocery store (without having to research on the internet where to buy it) that spans the grander spectrum of weddings – from the weird to the unique to the traditional with advice on transplanting weddings, saving money and loving the process. I want it all and I want it now. 

The route we went with our Wedding Website 

My Daily Routine

People have hinted at the fact that I am a raging optimist. Despite whatever big hurdles I have overcome I remain excited and happy. It is very rare to see me down for long. It's infectious and it's also why so many of my close friends come to me when they are down. I love my friends I will do anything for the people I hold close in my life. My infectious good mood (for the most part) is because I have a daily ritual of inspirations, joys and triumphs.

There are daily heroes in this world, people who should inspire you. My father is my foremost hero. Not only because he was a firefighter for 32 years but because he's my father, he raised me after my mom died, I don't know how he endured raising four girls after losing the love of his life. My littlest sister is another hero, she lost her mom at 7 and has somehow grown into being a responsible, strong woman. Tutu, my grandmother, is an amazing woman. Surviving in Hawaii through World War II, outliving her husband, raising 5 kids, fighting to get a job and at 90 after a hip replacement surgery struggling through the pain to walk again. My mother-in-law is the newest addition to my list of heroes and inspirations. She's back in school and with an outstanding career she managed to raise two marvelous kids after Tim's father died.

These people keep me going. They are who I think of or turn to when I need to get through a tough time. The greatest inspiration and person who I turn to most is my husband. He's in the Navy and I am in awe of his strength in being able to endure in the Navy. The first 6 months of our relationship was long distance. I met him in Hawaii when I went home for a wedding, he was stationed at Pearl Harbor, we only hung out for 3 days but we had an irrefutable connection. I was living in North Carolina and he spent his tax return on a plane ticket to visit me. For 3 of those 6 months he was deployed on a submarine and I would get an email once or twice a week if I were lucky and they were short. I emailed him once a day, twice sometimes. At one point when they surfaced and were able to check their emails he had 8 emails from me where some married men had none. I feel honored to be with a man who willingly serves his country. Our relationship is not based on whether or not he stays in the Navy, but I will support him any way he chooses to live his life. I am just proud of him.

There are stigmas associated with a military wife. I know them well. Barefoot and pregnant, jobless and dependent. But that has never been comfortable or appealing to me. I was married before for 5 years to a Marine. Being a young, married military couple, we knew other military couples our age with 2 or 3 kids. I was so focused on my education, I couldn't imagine having children yet. It is one of the factors that broke us up. I want children when I am ready. When my husband and I have spent quality time together first. In all honesty, I would love to be the breadwinner and my husband the be the stay at home parent. But my career is not going to afford me such a luxury. I am a workaholic. I am a mover and a shaker. Tim and I will make our own path and we will be fine and we will love every minute of it because we’re together, we've found each other and we'll survive.

Though I complain about frustrations, my weight, my career and annoyances, I am extremely grateful for my life. I finally have a job I'm comfortable at that has afforded me some great friends. I have some amazing friends and family. My dog is my life. I have food in my belly, a roof over my head and Netflix. Most importantly, I just married a man I am madly in love with and who I can be myself around. I live in a land of forests and water, mountains and beauty. There are many small things to rejoice over if you choose to focus on them.

My life has taken many twists and turns. From almost not graduating high school to graduating Magna Cum Laude from the University of North Carolina at Wilmington. From losing my mother at 13 to gaining a wonderful mother and sister at 27. From having a substance dependency to barely being able to stomach alcohol. I have been in an abusive relationship; I have had eating disorders; I have had psychological breakdowns. I have overcome them all and I hope I've turned out better. Reflecting on my past does not weaken me, but strengthens me, I know what I have endured and I know what I can endure.

Working Out Is Hard To Do

“In my dreams I have an ice cream tree, I have a gym that works out for me.” – The Aquabats

I am unhappy with my weight. All the positive reinforcement is not going to change how I feel. While I am happy for my tiny waist and large rump, I am not so happy with my stomach, arms, thighs and the double chin that is brewing. I haven’t been comfortable with my weight since I was, oh, 13. The wedding brought on a whole new stew pot of fears. Everyone wants to look good on their wedding day. But with stress making it hard to shed those pounds and the hectic schedule of wedding planning, working out falls low on the list.

There are some people out there who complain about their weight but don’t want to change their life to accommodate weight loss. Surprisingly, I love exercising. I don’t mean I do it as a chore to reach a goal; I mean I LOVE it. Something about sweating and getting this daily sense of accomplish makes me okay about my weight, my life and gives me the ability to sleep for that day.

Why I never want to get out of bed.

Let’s face it, good relationships make you fat. It’s true. You get comfortable, you want to spend time together, the couch becomes your best friend and before you know it you’ve packed on 20 pounds, while your male counterpart has gained 5 pounds.  You start eating 3 salads a week and he’s lost 15 pounds, while you’ve lost 5 pounds. I get it. It happens. Unless you’re one of those –lets-get-out-and-bike-10-miles-together-or-go-hiking-or-run-a-marathon – couples, I think it’s safe to say you age, you get comfortable, you gain weight.

My exercise drug of choice is running.  I love to run; I’m not “good” at it but the feeling I get after running 2 miles and walking a mile versus sitting on the couch for 30 minutes is unmistakably different. I have horrible knees, I run very slowly, I can’t seem to improve my lung capacity enough to run more than 2 miles, hills make me feel like puking, but I still enjoy it. A lot.  Plus it’s free, no gym membership here.

I used to surf and be thinner. It's great exercise if you can do it.

Finding the time and gumption to work out is hard. Really hard.  For the brides who use their wedding as a goal, good for you, kudos. If it shakes you out of your funk and get you on track to eating better and working out, huzzah. But are you going to keep up with it after the wedding? If not, what was the point of stressing yourself out and starving yourself and going on ridiculous diets? Just to look good in pictures that aren’t going to reflect the “true” you? I feel like diets are the new snakeskin oil. Eat this way and you’ll lose X amount of weight. It’s like a Traveling Miracle Medicine Man but in book or DVD form and it’s strict and cruel and there’s a laundry list of rules.  I feel like it’s a shell game. You never know how each diet is going to work for you. Maybe this diet will work but this diet won’t and you won’t know until you try. Then when you go out to dinner with friends you have to make the waiter juggle a million restrictions just so you can be around people.  Oh and you can’t have a beer or cocktail because then you’ll gain 5 pounds overnight.

Diets are stupid. I’m sorry, I’m saying it. Are you going to stick to a diet for the rest of your life? Really? The only thing I feel that has some value is Weight Watchers because it teaches you how to eat. How to weigh decisions with food. I LOVE FOOD. There, I said it. Food is delicious but it's all about balance. Sure, that cake looks fabulous but do I really want to run/walk an extra 5 miles just to burn it off? Is it worth engorging myself for 2 minutes of glorious satisfaction? Sometimes, but not all the time.

Though I am unhappy with my weight, I exercise and I eat decently. My chips are baby carrots, my “sweet treat” is sugar free pudding, etc, etc. I try my best to fit in at least 30 minutes of exercise a day. I’ve started incorporating yoga (at home, no one needs to see that), weight training, etc. The beauty is thanks to the internet you can get a lot of exercise ideas, moves and options online, for free. I once paid a ridiculous amount of money for a personal trainer once a week to show me exercises to do. No cardio, just weight training. I feel like it was such a waste of money. I found all the exercises she taught me online, sure it helps to have someone there to make sure your movements are correct but is that really worth the money? I didn’t lose ANY weight during my training and I was going to the gym 4 days a week. I have since quit the gym. A yoga mat, exercise orb, some resistance bands and weights and you can accomplish many things at home if you sacrifice 30 minutes of your time.

Hiking is also awesome exercise.

Now, I have the motivation to work out every day but no partner in crime. Working out alone is not fun. No fun at all. It’s easier to push off working out when there isn’t someone else relying on you.  How I survive and still manage to work out is with my dog. I take my dog running and as long as it’s not too hot, he won’t fake a limp. Even my dog comes up with excuses not to exercise with me sometimes. I guess take a hint where it’s implied. I used to run or walk or do some form of cross training every day at work with a co-worker. But she’s not here anymore. So now it’s up to me to get out on my lunch break and stretch my legs. But that is the annoyance of wanting to exercise it won’t happen if you don’t make time. I will make time, I have to or I feel bad and gain more weight. Even if it’s just parking 15 minutes away from work to force yourself to walk further, taking the stairs instead of the elevator, etc. It’s the small changes that add up to a big difference. Pack a healthy lunch to work and take 30 minutes to walk around the office, the building, the block, up and down stairs. The first step to any routine is making time.

I feel that if you hyper focus on weight loss it won’t come. Just like if you hyper focus on anything it won’t work. My will bends no spoons. I am unhappy with my weight. I am addicted to running. I create long-term goals for better eating. I don’t push myself too hard. I have faith that my weight will change overtime with persistence and devotion. I wouldn’t trade the rush I get after running or walking or swimming for anything. You should try it sometime.

United We Stand Divided We Fall

America is a country divided, grown too big for it's britches. What once was a horrific event that bonded us as a nation is, 10 years later, a dividing rod. People dismissing the event as a conspiracy, dismissing the event all together, denying the lives lost any compensation.

It sickens me that we were all once so close and now we all can't even agree on the Pledge of Allegiance. That was the best part of my day as a kid. I would still be groggy, rubbing sleep from my eyes when we'd get to stand up, get the blood flowing and with our hands over our hearts, heads held high, eyes zeroed in on the American flag we would announce:

I pledge allegiance

To the flag

Of the United States of America

And to the Republic

For which it stands

One nation

Under God

Indivisible

With Liberty and justice for all.

I don't believe in God, sorry I was raised Catholic and rebelled. But I honestly don't take offense to the Pledge of Allegiance. You know why? Because it's history. I love history. I loved being a kid and being a part of something and I’m sad my kids won't have that connection. It would appear no American has that connection anymore. We are divided by the extremists and the crackpots, the devout and the anarchists, the elitists and the military. Our nation is a mess, tearing itself apart. We are divisible.

There is no unifying factor anymore. There is no one event, symbol or thought that will make people who recognize themselves as American stand up and take notice. A lot of people living in this country won't even recognize themselves as American. I doubt they'd stand up for the Anthem at a sports event and I'm doubtful children today even know the words or have any unifying connection to their country.

It's some weird Christianity effect. When the Christians were cornered by the Romans they would either deny their faith and live or stand up for their faith and die. I know a lot of people who travel to other countries and say they are Canadian instead of American to avoid the rolling eyes of other people.

How sad is that?

How sad is it to say you support our troops but want them home? That's an oxymoron. If you supported our troops you would support their endeavors. They are doing a job. A job they have to believe is good or else lose all hope. By demolishing what they are doing you are pulling the carpet out from under them. I support our troops, our police and our firefighters. I have been connected to various loved ones involved in all those veins of service.

I still don't understand why those who bang their drums and scream from the rooftops all that is wrong with this country won't move to another country. Armenia forces you into the military for 2 years if you're a male between 18-27 years old. Austria also makes it mandatory for males between 18-35 to serve in the military for a minimum of 6 months. Conscientious Objectors are not excused and must join the civilian service for 9 months minimum. Belarus requires men between the ages of 18-27 to serve for 18 months if they don't have higher education and 12 months if they do. Bermuda maintains it's local forces with a lottery of men between 18-32 who serve for 4 years. In beautiful Brazil you're required to serve 2 years of military service once you're a male who reaches the age of 18, granted there are a lot of exceptions to this rule. Columbia requires if you're a man between 18-24 that you serve 18 months, but you can also volunteer. In The Republic of Cyprus men aged 18-50 that are Greek Cypriot, Armenians, Latins and Maronites serve their country for 2 years and are forever considered reservists after their service. Conscientious Objectors can serve 33 months of unarmed army service or 38 months of community work. Denmark requires all able men usually between the ages 18-27 to serve for 4 months or longer though there are restrictions to this as well and men deemed fit can be called to service up until their 50^th birthday. Egypt requires men between 18-30 to serve in their military for anywhere from 14 to 36 months. If you go to college you can postpone your service until after but if you wait until you are 30 it's to late and you have to pay a fine. The only exempt are the only males in a family, males supporting their parents or males with dual citizenship. Greece has mandatory military service for 9 months for men, Conscientious Objectors serve for 42 months in civilian service. Iran requires men once they reach 16 to serve a minimum of 16 months depending on their location in the country. Israel requires both men and women to serve. All Israel citizens at the age of 18 must serve - men for 3 years, women for 2 years. South Korea is also mandatory military at the age of 18 for males for 21 months Conscientious Objectors are imprisoned. Mexico now requires all males reaching the age of 18 to sign up for the military for one year, though the position in the military is done by lottery. Norway requires men between 18.5 and 44 to serve 19 months. Russia has a mandatory 12 months of service between 18-27 on a drafted basis but there are loopholes to getting out. In Singapore men 18-21 are required to serve for 24 months. Switzerland makes men do a series of military training and exercises in the military totaling 260 days for privates. Conscientious Objectors serve 390 days of volunteer work. In Turkey males between the ages of 20-41 serve 15 months for privates, 12 months for reserve officers and 6 months for short term privates. Conscientious Objection is illegal in Turkey. The Ukraine allow males to either serve in reserve officer training for 2 years or regular military service for one year.

So before you go bashing our country and our military know that our military service is voluntary and you should be happy you live in a country that allows the freedoms you so love to take for granted.

When the towers came down everyone in America should have taken notice. To see people jumping to their deaths to escape a worse fate. To see people covered in the ash of what was a part of the iconic skyline of New York City. To see the families destroyed, the lives lost, the city in tears should have pulled some heart string in every American. The fact that 10 years later, people want to discuss the lies, conspiracies and conditions surrounding the attacks is heartbreaking. We are a nation that does not stand as one, that cannot grieve together a loss. United We Stand. Divided We Fall.

DIY to Death

My wedding was awesome and the main contributing factor was I had so much help. From the invitations to the flowers, I relied heavily on friends and family to produce my dream wedding. If it wasn’t for my friends and family pitching in to help out I can’t imagine how much this wedding would have cost. If you have friends or family with a talent, even if it’s a talent for something small like making paper hearts, use them. As long as they’re willing to do it, use them. Use them all.

The bouquets

Our Custom Wine Bottle

My friend, who is a graphic designer created our invitations (which were nerdy, awesome and perfect). My cousin was my wedding planner and kept me on point for some of the more major timelines.  My stepsister was my florist and the flowers were some of the most amazing bouquets I’ve ever seen.  My auntie was my event planner and handled all the food, linens, plates, set up, break down, fight, fight, fight. My father made my wedding arch and had a hook up for the Orchid plants for the centerpieces and even re-built the fence at his house for the reception so everything was as beautiful as possible. Another friend of the family made custom wine bottles for the centerpieces. Our officiant was my high school guidance counselor. Our venue was our neighbor’s house. Two of my closest friends flew from North Carolina to Hawaii to do hair, makeup and photography. My stepmother got lohala fans for the ceremony and my sister (maid-of-honor) tagged along for all my last minute errands. My dress was even bought from a second hand dress shop called Off The Rack Bridal in Silverdale, WA.

Honestly if you have anyone at all willing to be at your mercy and help you would with any aspect of the wedding, don’t hesitate, take advantage. Even if they just do handmade paper hears use it as decorations for the tables or as confetti for the walk back down the aisle. Even if your friends know someone who knows someone it will all work to make the wedding more personable and especially affordable.

Our Reception

I didn’t have, well, any money to provide for this wedding it was only though my family (new and original) that Tim and I were able to have this beautiful wedding in Hawaii. It was amazing, between the ceremony on the ocean at sunset and the reception at the same location as my parents, I would never have wanted or asked for anything else. I am grateful and astounded at all the help I received from family and friends alike to put on this wedding. From my beautiful hair being styled and dye purple by one of the only people I will ever entrust my hair, to my snazzy purple wedge heels my mother-in-law bought me,  I was a happy DIY bride.

Our Ceremony Site

The Definition of Blog

According to the Oxford Dictionary a “blog” is a personal website or web page on which an individual records opinions, links to other sites, etc. on a regular basis.

Some key words to pull from that – personal and opinions – a blog is something that took me years to be convinced was a good thing. I thought blogs were fads and they would slowly fade out. But they haven't and though I hate the name of them, I decided to start one (or two) to better exercise my demons.

I actually liked my wedding and created a blog to discuss my Hawaiian roots, my love for my furry caramel shadow and wedding frustrations, ideas and enjoyments. Working for a wedding company I come across a lot of really cool ideas for wedding and just having a wedding helped me to utilize some nifty things. I also use this blog to vent about the frustrations and issues I had with planning to help any bride-to-be out with their upcoming nuptials. If you don't like me being open and honest about my experiences or you think I'm not being grateful or respectful here's the beauty of blogs, you don't have to read it. This blog is about me and while it is open to comments and I do appreciate hearing peoples thoughts (I love a good debate when it's backed by facts), if you find my personal opinions, thoughts and emotions to be rude, overbearing or “too much,” you can click that little red “x” in the upper right corner and read no further.

My second blog is dedicated to my writing. It's where I'll be throwing up my thoughts on my writing career, my ideas, even some short stores or perhaps dreaded poems. While I do like receiving comments and I will not turn down anyone’s suggestions on writing skills, tactics or a good site for telecommute jobs, please do not tell me what I should be doing with my life. Please do not advise me on how to better my life and that I can reach my goals if I only believe and, you know, actually try.

The truth: I love my life. My life is freaking rad! I just married a amazingly, perfectly weird and wonderful man, I have a pooch who is my life, I have a job that takes care of me and has provided endearing, wonderful friends and I have a life outside of work full of family, friends, concerts, movies, comic books and love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love.

It's my blog and I'll vent if I want to. Let me throw my pity party, bridezilla explosion or wailing wisdom around and get it out of my system.

Thank You.

Write it down – Learn from my Frustrations

Weddings are about lists. Not just checklists or to-do lists but a mountain of other lists to help you keep track of how you want YOUR day to go. Here are some pointers from the disaster that was my beautiful wedding.

Write a list of who you want to thank on your wedding day. When the microphone is in your hand, for some of us (me) your mind goes blank. I wanted to thank everyone from my father to my aunt who let my husband and I live with them when we first moved to Seattle. You don’t have to carry the pieces of paper with you but for me writing stuff down commits them to memory. Plus you can use it as a cheat sheet.

Also keep track of all the crazy wedding gifts, envelopes, etc. that you receive. Thank you cards are mandatory and you need to know who sent you what and how to best thank them. Trust me it can get nice and confusing. Things bought off the registry don't always come with a note of who sent it.

When it comes to photography, I’m sure there are plenty of things you want pictures of – the ceremony, the first kiss, the walk down the aisle, etc. There were a lot of pictures I wish I had remembered to ask for.  Sure, I have tons of Tim and I, the bridal party, my hula, the first dance, etc. But I don’t really have any of the centerpieces, the food, the rings, my shoes even the bouquets. This isn’t really the photographer’s fault. Ask and you shall receive.

None of your vendors are mind readers, so unless you specifically ask for something or explain exactly what you want. They’re going to do what they’ve done before.

The best picture of me stressing on my wedding day.

In general, it’s wise to start a wedding binder, not just to keep ideas for your wedding but to keep notes. Write down anything that comes into your head, even if you’re going to later disregard it. When it’s the day of your wedding, the last thing you want to do is cry in your wedding dress over the fact that you didn’t get pictures of your rings or you forgot to thank your grandmother who raised you or the linen on the tables were wrinkled, or you didn’t remind the DJ to avoid the chicken dance song, etc. (This isn’t all true things that happened at my wedding, just examples)

While you may laugh at me and these small details seem insignificant, wait until it’s your wedding day.  The stress builds and builds until all you see are the imperfections of the day instead of enjoying it. Was this my wedding? No, my wedding was beautiful and while it is still freshly imprinted in my head I am starting to regret that I didn’t become more involved. That I didn’t speak up to explain why I wanted things done this way. That I didn’t climb into the steering wheel to realize my full potential of Bridezilla and not let people sway me. I shouldn’t have had to tell myself “It’s okay.”

It’s okay if I forget to remind the officiant to announce us as Leila & Tim Regan instead of Mr. & Mrs. Regan. It’s okay if the favors aren’t exactly what I wanted. It’s okay that I don’t have any pictures of my hair. It’s okay if people showed up who didn’t RSVP. It’s okay if my family wants to wait to take pictures until after they eat. It’s okay if we enter the ceremony a different way than I’d like. It’s okay if we don’t have anything for people to throw at us as we walk back down the aisle. (This isn’t all true things that happened at my wedding, just examples).

I can live with my wedding, it was beautiful and it took a lot of people to make it the success that it was. I am extremely grateful. I just wish I had better organized my needs, desires, ideas and goals. Perhaps if I had written everything all down, I wouldn’t have been as stressed out the day of the wedding.  

I Bought My Heart on Etsy.com

For those who like things done a little differently, like this I wanted to let you know that Etsy is amazing. I located and purchased our hand forged (yes we found a blacksmith) matching wedding bands on Etsy. Etsy seems to be the new frontier on handmade, personal, unique or just weird gifts, jewelry, house wares and even clothes.  

Our Wedding Band

Say, you're a nerd like me, but not just any nerd, oh no, you like comic books, zombies, cartoons and vintage Hawaiian stuff. Let's say you want your groom to have something small but unique. Why not Tiki cufflinks?

Like This  or a Futurama themed cake topper like this?

On Etsy, it would appear whatever weird fantasy or habit or hobby you like to indulge in you can find something for your wedding that will suit your taste. Even a Cthulhu pin for your "something green." I could spend hours on Etsy pouring over their vintage dresses, steam punk lockets and dare I let my nerd show with mentioning Star Trek earrings.

Whatever you're into, whatever you want to do to make your wedding stand out, you can probably get a head start by simply browsing through all the unique items. Even if it's stuff not as weird as my tastes. If you want an environmentally safe wedding like button bouquets or seed confetti, I guarantee you, it's on there. From elegant gifts for the wedding party to zombie inspired damask necklaces. Etsy is one online shopping center after my own heart - weird, handmade, unique goodness.

Our Wedding Cake

Coulda, Woulda, Shut It!

As a previously stressed out fiancé trying to plan a wedding, I am well aware of the Should of, Would of, Could of disease that infects the brain of all newlywed brides. It’s an airborne virus that invades through the ear canal as random wedding guests, family members, friends and even the bride and groom utter how things could have gone down differently. 

If you or someone you know has just gotten married here’s some advice: SHUT IT. There’s a kind of depression that follows the wedding. The couple is no longer the center of attention. The bride and groom are allowed to return to their normal lives. It’s like popping a zit all the pressure, relief, white stuff and then irritation, picking and scarring.

Thank you, Captain Obvious for pointing out that my wedding could have been more organized, that we should have been wearing microphones for the ceremony, that we should have played the ceremony music louder, That we shouldn’t have allowed people in who didn’t RSVP, That we could have had enough seating for those who did RSVP, that we should have had the ceremony later in the day, that we should have taken the family photos earlier, that we could have had a better wedding in general.

All this jibber jabber did was imply that our wedding wasn’t good enough for you. Guess what? It was good enough for US and we don’t really, truly, at all care what your opinions were regarding what could have, should have or would have been done differently to make your wedding experience more enjoyable. While I am extremely grateful for where I had my wedding and the people who helped make my wedding possible, once the wedding is over, it's not like we're going to have a re-do. So what's the point of telling us all the things that were wrong? I agree, there were tons of things that could have happened in a different manner, but they didn't and I hope you had fun anyways.

The best part of any wedding is when it’s over and the bride and groom can sigh with the relief that they survived.

Me Speaky Fakey Hawaiian

Hawaii is this exotic, mystical place with weird cultural differences, a former monarchy and our own language and yet we are a part of America. However, I beg you, please do not makeup words under the guise of “it’s Hawaiian,” please do not adopt a “Hawaiian” name and please do not make up cultural ceremonies or better yet, please do not tell a Hawaiian how to better understand their culture.

I work for a wedding website and I research vendors and pass them off to the sales department. When I come across something like this on a website, it makes me see red.

Mily (mill-ee): Hawaiian name meaning "beautiful"

First off, Hawaiian is a 13-letter alphabet. There is no “y” in our alphabet.  The Hawaiian word for beautiful is Nani. I know this; it’s my sister’s name.  Please do not move to Hawaii and adopt a “Hawaiian name” meaning you plugged your real name into a Hawaiian name generator. For the record the Hawaiian language is technically a dead language so some of the newer names aren’t going to have a “Hawaiian” name. I just find it, bizarre. People don’t move from Hawaii to the mainland and change their name.

“Oh well my name is Malia but I go by Mary now that I moved to the mainland. Malia, that’s just my island name. “

Please don’t move to Hawaii, look up a fake Hawaiian name and then name your business after it. I don’t speak for all Hawaiians but for me, personally. I was born with my Hawaiian name. Moving to “the islands” and deciding to make this place your home does not entitle you to a “Hawaiian” name. Be respectful of the culture and the natives. It’s one thing to appreciate our history and our ideals it’s another thing to bastardize them.

I am not saying, by any means, that everyone who comes to Hawaii does this. I grew up with many people on the island who were not “Hawaiian,” but were amazing, respectful people. You can be kama’aina (a resident) without being insulting. I’m not even saying that some people do this on purpose. They just get excited by the beauty and the traditions and they get swept up in the whirlwind romance of the island. Just be aware of what you are doing and saying. It’s like getting a Chinese symbol tattooed on you only to realize instead of “joy” it says “soup.”

When I turned 25, I was at a bar celebrating my birth and met a young, skinny, pony-tailed man who I found out just returned from a 3-month university stint in Hawaii on the Big Island. I love to gossip about Hawaii and find out other people’s experiences. He flatly asked me if I was Filipino.

Side Note: Most Hawaiians take offense to being called anything but Hawaiian. If you pin us with a different race – Samoan, Tongan, Tahitian, Micronesian, Filipino, we get a little unnerved.  

I told him I was Hawaiian and drunkenly mentioned that the Big Island was boring to me. He basically verbally assaulted me that I obviously don’t have any interest in my culture and that I need to educate myself on my traditions and my heritage. Well, I almost ended up in jail.

To be cheesy, I am very proud of my heritage. I danced hula, surfed, took Hawaiiana classes, had Hawaiian history courses, learned to play the ukulele (most of this is public school courses, though). I enjoy discussing Hawaii and Hawaii’s history with people. I like to answer questions and get people’s take on Hawaii. I know a few people who hate Hawaii – too much heat, too much relaxation, too much traffic. It’s my home, I’m proud of it. I want people to enjoy my aina (land). I just don’t like to be disrespected as any person would.

How's this for "Special?"

 

In the year 2011, I was invited to 7 weddings. Eight if you include mine. So far the pictures I’ve seen of the weddings have all had a different element. My cousin had people blow bubbles instead of throw rice or at my wedding, orchid petals. A friend had games at her wedding, couple trivia and a game called “guess which feet are your wife's.” Often weddings are portrayed as these boring, tradition-filled, extended family reunions. Your wedding can be anything you want it to be. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Don't let anyone tell you what is expected of you on YOUR wedding day. Give an inch, your families will take a mile.

There are some cultural traditions, however, that can't be missed. One “tradition” that I did at my wedding was I danced a hula for my husband. What is tradition for some, is exotic for others. I had a friend and a cousin who also danced a hula for their new husbands, but the beauty of this tradition is you can pick your song. I danced to Ke Aloha a romantic and intimate lovesong written by my cousins grandmother, Lei Collins. I went to Halau O’ Lehualani in Edmonds, WA (http://www.hulaolehualani.com/) to learn my hula. My aunt and my little cousin both dance for this halau (class). The Kumu (teacher) is one of the best I have ever have the privilege to know. She is patient but strict, kind but serious. The best mix for any teacher.

Almost any hula halau that you find will be willing to teach private lessons. While hula is a Hawaii heritage tradition it is not restricted in anyway to Hawaii or Hawaiians. If you want to do something special or different for your wedding, even if you aren't from Hawaii or have never danced a day in your life, you can take the time to learn how to hula. Most Kumus will be patient and teach you hula from the foundation so your hands will be fluid, your hips will sway gracefully and your smile will be genuine. I danced professional Polynesian style dance (hula, Samoan, Tahitian even some Maori) for a total of 13 years but I never had to dance the hula by myself. It was terrifying but it was for me a spiritual, heartfelt gesture to my new husband. I also heard it made a few people cry, so I'm taking that as a positive.

Every wedding is unique and beautiful but it is up to you to make it reflect you and your husband. Whether it's dancing a hula or throwing organic confetti, make sure your wedding is as special and meaningful to you as it is to your guests.

Honeymoons are for Suckers!

That title is a lie. I would love to, after the stress of planning our wedding, which was over a year in the making, be able to take a honeymoon. However, with the economy and jobs pulling the drawstrings on vacation days, it's just wasn't in the cards for Tim and I.

I feel like I am not alone with having a honeymoon months or even years after the wedding. One of my father's friends, who were invited to the wedding but respectfully declined, offered their Maui vacation home. It would be great to go to Maui after the wedding. I've never been to Maui. However, because Tim and I left the islands 4 days after the wedding, it just wasn't practical. Initially, when I was requesting leave from my new awesome job for the wedding, I bracketed 3 full weeks home. Plenty of time for planning and after wedding relaxing. I was granted 2 weeks, completely fair on their part but getting married in a different state, it doesn't leave a lot of time for “enjoyment” once the stress of the wedding wears off.

The other problem with taking a honeymoon is Tim and I have whittled our wallets down to leather stubs over the wedding. We don't even have an extra $900 to go island hopping to Maui, rent a car, buy food and buy Maui tourist crap.

Granted we are getting married in a popular honeymoon destination but for me, Oahu is just home. It is not a vacation. It is where I was born and raised. Tim lived there 5 years or so total, also. Hawaii, though beautiful and honeymoon-ish, is for me at least, not a honeymoon or a vacation. This is my home, I love my home and my family but going home has never been a “vacation,” it's been home.

Once our wallets and paid time off have had a chance to replenish themselves we'll be off to either a Maui vacation home, a cabin in Maine, a metal cruise through Caribbean waters (http://www.70000tons.com/) or a European adventure. But until then we'll take peace and comfort in the fact that we are married and in love and that is all that really matters.

The honeymoon is an afterthought. As wonderful as it would be to be able to afford (financially and time off-wise) a honeymoon immediately following the wedding where we can be tourists, relax and revel in the sanctity of marriage, we will steel our honeymoon for a later time. However, to those couples who do get to take a honeymoon after their wedding, I give you the slow clap.