I AM A PERSON

Often times, I feel because I hold no religion I am overlooked, not heard and especially disregarded. It’s as though my views, morals and beliefs are easily dismissed simply because I do not follow God, Christ, Buddha, Allah, the Flying Spaghetti Monster or any other form of religion. I have been told because I have no religion, that my moral compass is corrupt, my children will be raised wild and (oddly enough) I worship Satan. First things first, if I worshiped Satan that would be a religion and it would be a religion based on the bible.

Here is the thing about me: I hold no religion but I do have faith, morals and beliefs. I have faith in myself and the goodness I give and hope to receive from others. I believe that we should do onto others and we would have them do onto ourselves. I was raised catholic and while my faith and beliefs may be rooted in that my branches have grown far from it. I am not a kind person to please some unseen entity. I am a kind, caring and loving person because I believe the good you send out will come back. I am the person I am to be a good person, not to be rewarded or receive enlightenment. I give penance for any of my wrong actions and I am always quick to apologize for my short temper, short comings or short jokes. I say “Thank You,” “Please,” and “You’re Welcome” as often as I say hello.  

I believe every person deserves love and respect and a second chance. I believe in equal rights, equal pay and being allowed to do with your body what you wish. I have studied many religions and read the bible cover to cover several times. I often believe sometimes it takes more strength to follow something bigger than oneself. However, when that following leads to bigotry, sexism, exclusion and hate. I simply can’t believe that is the path chosen by your higher entity or one that I will ever personally take.

I am no moral judge and juror, no one should be. I don’t care what you do within the law. Drink a big gulp of soda, order a big mac, stockpile guns, worship your entity, and declare your love in public. You are entitled to do what makes you happy and I will never deny someone the right to be happy even if I don’t agree with it. All of this being said everything is a two way street. I will never judge you but I know others judge me for my lack of religion, my tattoos heck even using birth control and while I know I am judged I know I also can’t change someone’s mind about me. Someone who judges is someone who will stick to their original judgment, this much I know. Because I can’t change their mind, I don’t fight it or them. I let go and let love. Why waste the energy trying to change someone’s stubborn mind.

If you engage me I will talk and I will defend my beliefs, my morals and my faith just as any person with a religion would do. I am no different from someone with religion. We are all people trying to figure out our purpose and trying to survive.

For those who have expressed concern about raising a child without religion I want to assure you they will have faith. Faith that people (though rarely these days) all carry the seed of good. They will not hold hatred in their hearts. They will not see people as colors or gay or straight or male or female. They will, like me, know and understand that people are people no matter where you are and that being kind is a virtue, not chore. They will learn to be accepting of everyone and to listen and accept all religions. They will be citizens of the soul. My children (if I have any) will be sweet and loving and willing to help anyone and everyone just as I am. They will not be afraid to stand up for what they believe and what they think is right and while they are free to choose a religion of their own it will be their choice because religion is a personal choice and no one should be tried and hanged for any personal choice.

AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH.... Thanks For Listening

Some days, I struggle to keep my head above water. Some days, it seems easier to just let myself sink. I’ve never let myself sink to the bottom, who knows it might be a wondrous world of mermaids and lost cities but I might get stuck there. I might go native and never return.

Instead I force myself to fight. I swallow water sometimes. I try to float sometimes to give my muscles a rest. I brawl it out to keep going and I hope that one day I’ll find land. That someday there will be a purpose to my struggles. I hope it comes before I am too water logged; before I can no longer keep my head up. I’ve decided I don’t want to know what’s at the bottom, or more importantly what I will become at the bottom.

There are a lot of stress factors in my life right now. We moved from Washington, where we had a lot of family support, some great friends and a pretty good life to California where family is spread out, friends are few and far between and our life hit the reset button. We moved here because my husband got out of the Navy and took a job with a civilian company. We moved here because we thought it was best for us. I haven’t seen my husband except for the weekends since we moved here. He’s been in Santa Barbara (too far for him to commute daily), Phoenix, Las Vegas and Pennsylvania. It has left me struggling to unpack the house by myself. Struggling to tie up loose ends, find vets, doctors, pharmacies and all the other little things that make up, LIFE. I don’t understand the point of moving if they are just going to fly him to different places every week. To add to the stress of moving not only was a bunch of our stuff delivered damaged, but we rescued a puppy. This puppy is supposed to be for my husband who has never had a dog of his own. Unfortunately, he’s in Pennsylvania the week we brought her home and now I am stuck unpacking and house training a new dog.  He comes back for less than 48 hours then flies to San Francisco. For the entire month of April he will be in San Diego. I will get to see him on the weekends. I feel like I have partial custody with my husband and his new job. I don’t even get him in the mornings or evenings, just weekends, when he’s so exhausted from traveling I feel bad asking him for help.

I wish I could say the stress ended there. During the 3 days I took off for my husband and I to move to California my job got restructured. My department was completely eliminated. I was absorbed into a different department and was giving a multitude of new tasks and very little time or training. I’m trying to adjust to my new role and hoping upon hope that I don’t get fired. Everyday it’s a new set of fears and I’m struggling to adapt. I’m not as knowledgeable as people think I am in the tasks and I am really just trying to take deep breaths and calm down.

The job shift did not afford us more income, but it also didn't grant us less.  That being said the move took a major toll on our fiances and I was already in debt but now even with saving up for the move it's more so. Tim is no better off. Here's the fact people, after taxes I make $2000/month that is it. That is what I'm working with. It could be worse but it is what it is. We are painfully struggling under the weight of bills, debt, car and pet registrations and other moving expenses.

All of these issues have caused massive weight gain. I’m a very healthy person I try to stay active I’ve kind of dropped off with running but I did join a gym and I take several classes there a week. I take long 3+ mile walks daily with the dogs and I eat well. It’s very frustrating that the one thing I can control, my diet and exercise is making me feel out of control. I don’t really care much about losing weight anymore I did for a while. I tried eating more, eating less, more cardio, less cardio, more strength training, changing my routine, varying my workouts combining my workouts and not a pound was lost nor inches nor did I gain muscle. This has been over the past YEAR. So I quit trying to lose weight because obviously it wasn’t happening but to gain weight infuriates me. I love working out. I like to sweat, it’s cleansing, I feel amazing afterwards and I push myself, hard but my clothes don’t fit and my muscles aren’t defined.

It’s very easy for me to let myself sink right now. I don’t see my husband; I don’t see friends or family. I don’t know what is going on with my job. I don’t know what is going on with my body. Our new addition is not house broken and unpacking is a nightmare. Somehow though, through all of this I’ll keep my head up and persevere despite my exhaustion, my frustrations and my pain. I’ll keep looking for land. My life is not calm. My life is not okay. I am very upset and cry daily. However, I am trying and I am doing what I can. It’s not satisfactory but it’s tolerable I have a husband and a job and 2 dogs. That’s better than some. I’m holding on, I’m treading water, I’m surviving in the hope that one day it will be worth it one day things will make sense, things will come together things will be better. They’ll never be perfect but I live for better. It would be so easy to give up, but life has never been easy for me, why should it start now?