You're a Terrible Mother & You're Going To Ruin That Child

If you haven't heard someone say this to you, then you've at least thought it. Either thought it about yourself or about another mom. There is no easy way to be a mother. Someone always has something to say. Someone always has something to condemn. Someone always has something to tisk about, shake their head and add to.

Stop.

Stop letting these people online, in person, even in support groups tell you how to raise you child. Do you love your child? Do you listen to your pediatrician? Do you take your child to the doctors regularly? Are they healthy? If you answered yes. Then stop. Just stop.

Whenever my daughter would cry, which when she was 0-6 months was constantly, I would say out loud,

"I know, I know, I'm the worst."

My lactation consultant heard me say it once and she corrected me.

"You are not the worst, never put yourself down you are the best mother this child will ever have."

She was right. No matter what mistakes we make no matter how bad we think we're doing, our children will LOVE us. We are raising HUMAN BEINGS. It's hard, it's challenging and EVERYONE DOES IT DIFFERENTLY. Your baby is not every baby. What works for one does not work for all. Etc. Etc. Etc.

It doesn't matter what you had to go through to bring this child into the world. It matters what you do once they're here. They're a part of you. They are you. That attitude you shot your parents when you were 16, guess what? It's coming at you when they're 18 months. It's you. It's all you and you're doing great.

You don't know any other parent's story or journey. That kid having a meltdown - maybe they missed their nap. Maybe they're hungry. Maybe they're getting over a cold. I bet you judged a little didn't you? You shouldn't. Focus on your baby. Your path and raising your little human into a functional adult. Don't worry about what's going on over here or over there or across the street. Don't worry if that mother is giving her kid cow's milk, almond milk, soy milk it doesn't matter. Whether a child is breast fed or bottle they still survived. Whether you coddle your baby or let them cry it out. You're alive, the baby is alive. You got through it and it won't be the last time you question what you're doing or face hardships or make mistakes. In fact, if you're not questioning yourself everyday then you are doing a way better job than me.

The truth is you're a great mother and you're going to love that child.

Nene's 11 Months Old

I had been just adding what I've learned to the list of her monthly lessons. However, this past month has seen a huge shift and it deserves it's own post.

I am awful at being a mother. Allow me to explain. I pre-make my child's formula bottles. Why? Because I can never get the powder to break up and I find if it sits awhile it tends to mix easier. Also, when my child is even remotely bordering on hungry she screams, bloody murder, continuously until she is fed. It's easier for me to heat up a bottle in 35 seconds then sit there stirring, stirring, stirring while my child is screaming, screaming, screaming. I microwave my child's bottles. I never did it when it was breast milk but for formula bottles, yes. I used to heat them up on a stove but after a bottle melting incident it's just been our low powered microwave. I heat up my entire child's bottle in the microwave. That's right nipple and all. It's never melted in fact no one ever told me you were supposed to disassemble a bottle to heat it up. That's totally on me though, right? My child will drink a formula bottle that's been out of the fridge for up to 3 hours. Really? Some magical fairy is going to turn the formula bottle bad in exactly 60 minutes? Nope, she's eaten probably gross old formula bottles and has yet to have gotten sick from it. When you end up somehow passing out with your child and you wake up 2 hours later with them clutching your pretty much dry boobs, it's either get out of bed which, that 2 hours is the most sleep you've gotten in awhile or give her the rest of the bottle you used to put her down. I choose bottle. Sometimes we have formula bottles in the fridge that are more than 24 hours old. Blasphemy, I know. Formula is expensive. If you think I'm going to dump $5 down the drain because it's been sitting in a cold fridge for 36 hours instead of 24 hours, you're wrong. I kept her in her infant car seat until she reached the weight limit. I know, I'm the worst. You know what I did this morning. I tried to adjust the straps on her convertible car seat. You know what ended up happening? Both my child and I cried. Her from begin tired and me from being confused with blistered fingers. I have the instructions. I followed them. You have to pop up the seat part like the fucking hood of a car. I officially hate car seats. Want to know why Nene and I haven't been to visit our family in Seattle yet? It's because no one has a car seat we can borrow. The thought of being in the airport pick up lane installing and adjusting a car seat sounds like honestly the worst time a person can have. Her infant "bucket" car seat was easy, compact and simple. The heavy duty convertible one makes me feel like I'm a fucking idiot. Some days she has A LOT of screen time. I have major stuff I need to get done - school work, contract work, house work. There are just days I need an hour maybe 2 where she's not clinging to me like the sinking ship I am. I have yelled at her. I felt awful the minute I do it but I get fed up and frustrated and I scream and I'm working on not doing that. I'm working on silent screaming. We still use a baby bjorn. yadda yadda hips yadda yadda baby wearing yadda yadda. It's easy. It's comfortable.

It is for all these reasons that I know I make a truly awful mother. However, my kid is very much alive, extremely healthy and hitting all of her milestones perfectly. Rolled over at 4 months, crawled at 5 months and is now walking at 11 months. She likes to look at books I read her at least 3 a day. We go to the park once a day. She's happy, she's healthy and I'm awful for it.

There are several times a day I regret becoming a parent. There are several times a day I couldn't imagine being anything other than Nene's mother. However there are moments - when she has a cold, is teething and won't stop crying - where I seriously doubt that I have done the right thing in my life. These moments are quickly overshadowed by sublimely blissful moments when my child talks gibberish to me with a smile or walks for the first time or snuggles close to me. It doesn't mean those regretful moments don't exist. I have spent hours in my bathroom or car ugly crying while my child sleeps. I have been frustrated and upset and depressed.

You are not going to please everyone all the time. Advice and offenses keep rolling in. It doesn't matter how old your kid gets there's always going to be something you're doing wrong. Or someone to tell you there's a better way to do it. There's always going to be family who gets upset, who feels slighted. I might have been misleading. I do have family somewhat close by I have a cousin, his wife and their 2-year-old in Orange, CA about 40 minutes away without traffic/hour and a half with traffic. I have an aunt and uncle that live in Oceanside, CA about an hour and a half away without traffic maybe 2-3 hours with heavy traffic. I do love this family, I've gone to several dinners at my cousin's house in Orange and an overnight trip with Nene in Oceanside. My cousin has his own little one and I know children are children and require a lot of work, attention and energy. My aunt and uncle would have to drive 2 hours to get to our house, not really the easiest feat. When I say I miss my family and I don't have anyone close by, what I mean is, it's just Tim and I with the day-to-day. So to people I have offended with my comments, notes on parenting or frustrations where I lash out, I'm sorry.

I Don't Know How Stay At Home Moms Do It. I've been with my daughter day in and day out for 5 weeks. I'm finding when I spend at least a few hours a day away from my kids holy moly do I appreciate my time with her a lot more. I don't know how you stay at home moms do it without losing it a bit. Kudos.

Being a Parent Is Hard. I think initially every new parent doesn't realize The Change that comes with having a kid. When they're still baking, you make yourself all these promises. Tell yourself it's not going to change you but it does. Life changes in so many ways. It's beautiful, depressing, amazing, gross and frustrating. These first 11 months I thought I could turn it around. Clearly, by the time she's a year I would have lost all my baby weight (nah, I'm still gaining). I would be back into my fitness (I'm exhausted). I'd be able to hang out with friends again (as long as they're okay with me being an hour late to everything). I thought by the time she was a year old life would be settled or almost back to normal. Instead, my husband and I take turns "representing the couple" at friend's events. A lot of what we get invited to isn't baby friendly. We find ourselves weighing the costs of things - dinner, movie and a sitter or event and a sitter or tickets, parking and a sitter. If we do make it to something we have to keep in mind the cost of having someone watch our kid. There's also the fact I will text them mercilessly about my kid.

I Absolutely Hate Missing Bed Time. I don't know what it is or when that started to happen. But Nene and I have a pretty good bedtime routine and when I miss it I get really sad about it. Some weird thing where I want to be the last person she sees. I want to hold her and she falls asleep. I want to make sure she's equal parts tired and full but not too full.

Milestones Brings Challenges. Nene is cutting her 3rd and 4th tooth, she's walking more and more. She's eating solids more and more. It's great. I actually like her being on 2 legs. She's much too fast as a crawler (though I know that soon she'll be a much too fast walker/runner). With these awesome advances comes sleeping issues, projectile vomiting, attitude and a level of insane helicopter moming I'm not comfortable with. At first, I thought her vomiting was something wrong with her until I had other moms say their kid did it too and it's a phase. She's not upset before or after the vomiting but she will vomit... a lot and then be fine. She's also an extreme sassy pants. It's frustrating and also funny. She's a lot like me and all I can think is I'm such a dick.

Shopping For a Little Girl is The Funnest. I really wanted a boy. I'm one of 4 girls and I really wanted a boy. I'm so glad I got a girl. The clothes! THE CLOTHES!!! The ponytails and tutus. I'm in cuteness overload and I didn't even think I'd be so into this.

Baby Gibberish is my New Favorite Language. Though not romantic, baby gibberish is the cutest language ever. She will sit down, open a book and pretend read (usually while the book is upside down) and it is hilarious, adorable and makes my heart all mushy.

You Do You. They'll Do Them. My kid is a water baby. Fanatical about water and swings and dogs but mostly water. I've started always carrying a spare outfit (often times 2). If it's not the water, it's the dirt. If It's not the dirt, it's the food. If It's not the food, it's something else equally messy and funny. I love that she explores and I let her. I showed her how to get off the couch and bed safely. I watch her a lot but she's curious and so I let her touch ALL THE THINGS. I let her play in water, pick up dirt, throw food. Be a kid. Is it more work for me? Yep. But I have found that though there's bits of me in her, she's a creature all her own. I can't make her be me, she's already LIKE me. She's going to figure things out and develop her own likes and dislikes. It's my job to make sure she's safe, healthy and eventually respectful. Right now though, I'm trying to rediscover myself. Life after a baby is different but I've found I need to stick with the things that I enjoy. I can't lose myself entirely in the baby. It's not fair to her and it's not fair to me. She deserves better. I'm working on me with a baby on my hip. I'm re-discovering my passions. I'm falling back in love with myself. I love her so much but I need to love myself too.

Value Selling

At a company I worked for, they put a lot of pressure on their marketing and sales team to "value sell." What this meant was they knew they were more expensive than their competitors. However, they offered more to their clients. They had customer service, a design department, a shipping department. They had something they perceived their competitors didn't, VALUE. This company thought themselves to be invaluable to the industry because they could provide a hand holding experience. From the first phone call to the very end they "had your back."

After 3 years with the company, I perceived myself to be an invaluable asset. When I started the job, I was hired as a Administrative Assistant. One employee wanted to make it very clear I was there to support HIM. I loathed him and I found out over the years pretty much everyone did. I wanted to quit because this guy was unbearable and I was supposed to "learn FileMaker Pro" with nothing but the program and a book. I gave up hope. There were 2 options looming in front of me quit and try to find another job or dig my heels in and demonstrate my value. I decided to dig my heels in and it worked. I found a need in the company - marketing.

When I started, there was no marketing - no follow through, no tracking. It was a mess and I decided to take on this mess. I distanced myself from the person who claimed I as hired for him. I began my own projects to help the company. I did learn FileMaker but through an actual class, online. I became a developer and designed a new database for the company. It saved sales hours of manual input and calculations when generating a quote. I won Employee of the Quarter for my efforts. I developed vast and intricate programs both internal and external. I tracked ALL OF THEM. I ran marketing campaigns, organized email blasts, promotions, updated our websites SEO and organic searches. I ran so much market research - from google alerts to stalking companies on my personal instagram. I researched, presented and orchestrated switching our company website and revamping it for usability and a face lift. I then HTML coded for the website. All website updates went through me. All marketing requests and new promotions went through me. All database updates and usability functions went through me. I even enjoyed reading legalese and almost re-wrote their entire Terms & Conditions on their contract as well as offered suggestions on their leasing agreement.

The owner of the company, eventually, even admitted to me - "I find when I have the resources to dedicate to marketing, it does yield great results." I felt invaluable to this company. I worked hard for this company. I felt like I was family to this company.

Demonstrating value, your worth, your abilities, capabilities and efforts to a company is sometimes just not enough. If a company is going under, it's going under with or without your talents.

On July 19th, 2016 my idea of being invaluable, was ended, abruptly. The company did a round of lay offs due to budgeting. People hired long after me were spared because they were more vital to the company's survival. The original owner of the company didn't even say goodbye to me. It stung. No, it hurt. I knew the company was in trouble. I actually almost expected lay offs, since the large company meetings had been threatening them for awhile. I thought I was safe.

Time and time again life has taught me we are never truly "safe."  Your life could be changed in a flash from any number of things - an accident, natural disaster, divorce, death, paper cut. We are never truly safe and we are never truly invaluable. It sounds like I'm being hopeless, but in truth I found some hope from this experience. We have to keep moving. We have to learn, grow and adapt. We cannot stay still. We cannot get comfortable. When things like this happen it is devastating it makes us question ourselves. It's embarrassing. I felt this same way (maybe to a higher degree) after my divorce (at 23), after I lost my mother (at 13). These events are life shattering because we grow comfortable, we grow content, we think everything will always be this way and it will always be okay. Life will always change. If there is one constant in life it is that nothing is permanent but scars and heartache. Embrace those scars, they tell a story. Love that heartache it's your patchwork quilt that you can't sleep without. There is hope after a life shattering event. There are reasons to dust yourself off. You will grow from the experience. You will adapt, change and become something new. Make it something better.

There was nothing I could have done to save my job. Not one single thing. There are things I can do now to demonstrate to the next potential employer my value. Yes, I am might be more expensive to hire than the next employee but I can offer your company so much more. I am so much more.

What I've Learned While Being a Mom

Every month, since having my child I have made notes on what I have learned and how her presence has effected me. I plan to add to this every month until she is a year old. 

10 Months:

1. Getting Really Good at Doing Everything With One Hand. You heard me. From pouring a glass of water to making coffee. My kid wants to live on my hip. 
2. Does Everyone Else Have Their Shit Together? The more moms I meet the more I feel like I'm fucking up, I'm meeting moms with multiple kids and they're balancing their lives beautifully. They might be breaking down on the inside but I'd never know. They have these great, well adjusted kids. They get to spend time with them and balance a career and do fun family activities. I just got laid off, am an intermittent Stay At Home Mom and I still can't make it to fun activities right up the road. Am I the only one that's constantly in panic mode?
3. At Some Point Family Will Be Offended. No matter what kind of mom you are (because let's be real here there is no such thing as a "perfect" mom. You know what? I take it back. We're all perfect moms for our perfect kids.), at some point your family will come for you. Why is that baby always naked? You're spoiling them! You hold them too much! Etc. Etc. Look they're going to get mad at you about really anything. It might seem random or like they're reading too much into things, but remember, for the most part, they were parents once too. While things have changed, they raised you or your spouse or their own kids. They want to offer support they just might not know how. Don't get mad. Apologize, explain and move on. Even if they dwell on it, just let go. 
4. During Some Truly Dark Times, They are Quite the Source of Light. Right before Nene turned 10 months some heavy stuff fell on our family - I lost my job (they cut 1/3 of the company). I hit 19 years without my mother (and my first time dealing with her death as a parent with a daughter). Nene got heat rash so bad I took her to see the pediatrician. On top of a bunch of little jabs. You know what truly kept me balanced and sane? My kid. Through all her hissy fits, all her knocking over my drinks, all her crusades against sleep, she kept me floating. It's strange how a kid can really be a focal point when you feel like your world is crumbling. 
5. For The Most Part, I've Stopped Drinking. On occasion, I have a glass of wine or a beer. I didn't really do it intentionally it just dawned on me the other day that I've pretty much, cut out alcohol (if only that would be enough for me to lose weight). Last week with all the madness in my life. I had one glass of wine. If I'm being honest, I'd like to have a hard cider or a beer after a long day but by the time I get her to bed, do the dishes and fold laundry; I just want sleep. I actually like myself being sober. Now when I get just a little bit of alcohol in me I immediately get warm and uncomfortable, that'll teach me.
6. Having a Baby and Not a Dishwasher, is for the Birds. Seriously, I'm so tired of hand washing bottles and spoons and so much baby stuff on top of regular dishes. 
7. I Really Miss an Active Social Life. My husband is constantly encouraging me to go out and do things away from the baby. There are several reasons I usually back out. 1. Seriously I got up at 6am with the baby after going to sleep at 1am, we took two one-hour naps and you want me to head out with you at 9pm? No ... No way... That's ... what? 2. The whole not having a job thing means money is so super tight so unless your event is free... oh it's not? :( 3. I pretty much have stopped drinking and you want me to go out where we usually end up at a bar where I will have a shirley temple and spend money I don't have... Gosh, it sounds like when I was pregnant. The alternative option is hanging out with other moms or friends that don't drink. Other moms: remember where I asked if everyone else has their shit together? I constantly feel like I'm the "ugly" friend of the bunch because odds are I'm showing up with my shirt on backwards. Friends that don't drink: Usually they don't have kids and I worry they won't understand that sometimes my kid is a little rebel. Right now it's too hot in SoCal to hike, or really do anything outside unless it's at the beach (1 hour away). I don't want to sit in my messy home and watch my child slowly destroy things. I'm jobless so going to a restaurant seems out of my reach and I can't guarantee Nene won't have a spazz attack that requires me to leave mid-meal (yes, I am one of those parents that as soon as my kid begins to have a meltdown, I leave. Drop everything I'm doing and just go outside. If I can calm her down I'll return, if not... bye). Odds are I'm putting forth more excuses than effort. So this one is on me. 
8. Learning on the Curve. I thought all I wanted was to be home with my child. This time with her has been beautiful and great but it's a lot. I'm constantly "on" and I have to be okay with constantly being touched, screamed at, laughed at and maintain her routine. I'm trying to get a handle on this parent thing but with no down time away from her anymore and the panic that sets in when I AM away from her, I'm learning as I go. What I'm learning is it's really hard to process your thoughts when you're constantly in a state of "what's my baby doing now?"
9. Life is crazy. I still am in shock that I'm a mother. I still can't believe how my life has turned out. I'm a mom, who lost her job and starts grad school in 2 weeks. I'm 32 years old and live in constant fear I will die at 49 like my mother did. I can't believe it has been 10 months. I remember when she was 6 weeks old, barely sleeping, always crying, didn't want to eat and I thought I'd never get to this point. A point where she will laugh and smile and play. A point where she talks gibberish instead of screams. A point where her birth has pushed me to better myself. Kids are life changing in the most stunning and shattering way.  
10. Everything Takes Time. You can't rush a good thing. Right now, Nene has a good handle on sleeping (thank goodness). She is starting to experiment with walking but it's not as fast as crawling. She doesn't like it when I actively help her (with anything) so out of the corner of my eye I see her practicing. Walking from the coffee table to the couch in quick almost falling steps. If I try to get her to repeat it with my help, she gets angry! Of course! She has also accepted the brushing of her teeth. She fought it very hard but now enjoys when she's having her bath and I bust out this toothbrush I put on my finger that she then decides to gnaw on for 10 minutes. I just taught her how to get off the couch and bed without hurting herself. You heard me. She'll crawl to the edge then turn around and lower her legs first. Patience is so crucial right now. She's already showing she's a little independent monster so for the most part I leave her alone and see where her curiosity takes her. It's fascinating.

9 Months:

1. She’ll sleep… Eventually. We tried so many sleep-training techniques, you name it we tried it. Cry It Out became cry for an hour straight then take an two hours to calm the child down (for 3 nights in a row). Here’s the thing. My child ended up sleep training herself. She ended up looking at herself and going “Man, I’m tired I should probably sleep” and so she does for about 8 hours a night. Divided between Tim and my schedule equates to about 5-6 hours a night for me and then 4 for him with a big morning nap sometimes bringing him up to 6 … But she “sleeps through the night” and we didn’t tell her how to do it and we didn’t force it on her. Honestly, I was pretty amazed. She developed her own schedule and while not entirely ideal we keep her to it. She naps when she’s tired, she eats when she’s hungry and she goes down for the night when she’s ready. All this happens at certain times a day. 
2. Her personality is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever watched develop. My kid is funny and smart and such a deadly combination. I laugh at her so much and then she figures out how to open something or operate a remote or destroy my phone. It’s amazing to see something take on a truly unique identity with remnants of you and your spouse as an echo behind her laugh or facial expression. 
3. Why is it so easy to cast stones at a new mom? Everywhere I go I feel like there are eyes on me. Judging that I put the groceries in the car before my child. Shaking their heads that I still use a Baby Bjorn rather than an ergo or tula.  Gasping that my child, on occasion, doesn’t eat organic. I open myself up to such judgment and scorn because I plaster pictures of my kid all over Facebook and Instagram. I take it in stride. Reason I plaster pictures on Facebook/Instagram and open myself to a world of shit? We live in California. My immediate family is all in Hawaii. My extended family is in Connecticut and Washington State. All of my husband’s family is in Massachusetts. It’s just easier than texting a million people several pictures a day and/or trying to teach my father how to use a new app to look at pictures. Also, then, asking my entire extended family and Tim’s to download said app if they want to view pictures of my child. Plus my kid is the cutest ever (biased) and hilarious. 
4. Guilt. I returned to work when Nene was 3 months old. I’m lucky my job is 3 blocks from my house. I was able to work an adjusted 32-hour schedule and still be considered Full Time. I go home on my lunch break. I still absolutely hate having to return to work. Especially now that she’s so active and expressive I want to spend all my time with her. She waves and claps and claps while she’s fighting sleep and crying and I try not to laugh at her. She’s this amazing thing and I miss her so much. I feel guilt for not being a Stay At Home Mom (SAHM). The thought, however, of pushing ALL of our financial burdens on Tim fill me with an equal amount of guilt. We’re struggling to make ends meet in California. This is an EXPENSIVE state.  We love our friends we love the mountains and ocean. We love how much there is to DO here but we can’t afford to buy a house. Our Credit Card debt has grown exponentially since moving here. I, personally, am drowning in bills and my grocery budget … explosion. The thought of putting all that stress on my husband, who is equally drowning as me, makes my stomach hurt. I also have this weird independent streak. The thought of going to my husband for money makes me feel gross. The thought of not making my own way sickens me. Not working is not an option. But all I want to do is stay at home and watch Pinkfong with my child. 
5. Never forget. Our child was crazy difficult the first 6 months. I mean didn’t sleep, didn’t eat, screamed if awake difficult. You’d think we were torturing this poor kid but really it was her stomach. Lots of gas and acid reflux. She only pooped once every 3 days or sometimes (if we were lucky) every other day. Doctors wouldn’t give her anything because prolonged use leeches calcium from her growing bones aaaannnddd she was gaining weight. Once she hit 7 months it’s like a switch flipped within a week the constant screaming subsided as she began solids and her stomach seemed to catch up to her. She now poops once a day and is so happy. Now that she’s this awesome happy baby people ask me if I’m going to have another. But my PTSD from her first 6 months has never left me. The crying in my car while on the phone with my husband after I finally got her to sleep but now have to move her into the house. The not sleeping to the point of being an actual zombie. The being too scared to leave my house because all she did was scream, scream, scream. I remember people thinking I was lying and then she’d have a 2-hour fit in front of them and they’d quickly change their tune. No, if there’s even a remote chance baby #2 will be like the first months with Nene, I’m not ready.
6. Is this what most people get from the beginning? Our child is bubbly and adorable and for the most part extremely happy. I can take her to restaurants and she sits in a high chair and charms everyone around her and eats without a tantrum. Is this what most people get with a newborn-toddler? Granted you’re not putting a newborn in a highchair, but I’ve heard the cries of other newborns they’re gentle and sweet and almost a coo… Mine screamed like you were hurting her in some unknown way. I see newborns that sleep almost exclusively where mine barely slept which meant I barely slept which meant after I breastfed her she’d still be awake so I couldn’t pump because if she was awake she was screaming. I’d have to walk her around and bounce her and do squats to get her to stop screaming. 
7. This is hard work. I find myself falling short in so many aspects of my life. Between work, being a mom, exercise, family, my husband, school, housework and my pets there’s always some aspect that gets cheated. My pets aren’t being walked enough. My job finds me distracted. My mommy duties find me exhausted. Exercising is a big joke. If my kid cant’ see me she now panics. My family is desperate for more pictures, more communication and I just can’t keep up. My husband and I only see each other on the weekends and with friends and other event sometimes we don’t even see each other on the weekends.  I feel overwhelmed and like I’m not doing enough. Then I take a deep breath and remind myself I’m doing all I can. I just have to focus, try to get sleep, remember to eat and drink water. Just be present.
8. Jealousy. Is a real bitch. I find myself watching as friends do all this fun, amazing stuff. I watch as we get invited to these amazing parties and events and only one of us can attend or it’s not baby friendly or I’m just too damn exhausted. I send my husband to parties to represent us both then get jealous that he went and frustrated when he stays out late and I have to get up with the baby on the weekends. You sacrifice a lot when you have a kid. You tell yourself it’s okay and it was for a good reason but it doesn’t change the fact that all those late nights with meaningful conversation over a drink or 2 are no longer possible. That you see your friend less and less and only know what they’re doing through social media. That you stop getting invited to things because, well, everyone knows you won’t come. That you can’t afford to get a babysitter and part of you really doesn’t want to. You enjoy the time you spend with your kid it doesn’t mean you don’t miss the freedom of late night bar meet-ups and karaoke. 
9. I’m exhausted. 
10. I love this kid. When I look into her eyes. When I see her smile. When she tries so desperately to talk to me. When she brings me a book to read her. When she reads a book to me. When she takes wobbly learning steps. When she gets excited in water. When she lights up because she sees her father or I. When she falls asleep on me. When she tries, desperately to understand what I’m saying and doing. I just love this kid. Yes, I no longer have a social life. Yes, I am too tired to function. Yes, I never see my husband, friends or family. Yes, I’d much rather go to bed than go out. Yes, I rarely see the outside world. I wouldn’t change a thing (other than more sleep). Life is stressful and terrifying regardless of whether or not you have a child, but having this child has given my life meaning. Has shown me possibilities. Given me hope and allowed me to open up my soul more. This little piece of me is my greatest accomplishment. 

8 Months:

1. Not better, just different. Nene no longer screams 24/7 I never thought I'd see the day. Her sleep cycle has me like a zombie. We have tried a lot of things. Cry it out turns getting her back down into a 3 hour ordeal. So while she's not a screamer, we're still overcoming new challenges and we always will be. Don't tell a parent it will get better because it doesn't get better it just changes.
2. No judging. You have no idea what that parent is going through. You see a kid freaking out? Guess what? Kids are allowed to have bad days too. You don't know how hard that mom is working for her kids. You don't know if she was trying to squeeze in one necessary errand before nap time. Or the baby is teething. You just don't know. Short of seeing a parent scream or raise a hand to their child, don't assume you understand that relationship.
3. Never ending developments. She cut her first teeth, she's standing on her own more, she's crawling like she's got somewhere to be. All amazing milestones and each new one adds a level of work and dedication and planning. Oral care and solids, baby proofing and watching her like a hawk. And this is just the beginning. 
4. Support is important. Find and nurture any support you can. Friends, family. If someone offers to watch the baby take them up on it. I don't have family nearby so I rely on my wonderful community of friends willing to help. At first they offered and I politely declined. Now, I see why I need to nurture those offers. Being a parent is exhausting. Get all the help you can when you can. Family and friends care just as much about your kid as they care about you. 
5. No expectations. It's amazing how much I love this little being. I love her, would sacrifice my life for hers and I expect nothing from her in return other than to keep breathing. It's an amazing feeling to know and understand that right now I want everything for this child and I want nothing from her and I expect nothing from her. I can't explain how strange a feeling that truly is. 
6. Cut dads some slack. Like with babies, dads are allowed to have bad days too. I've snapped at my husband many times out of frustration and exhaustion. He's heard me mumble my discontent under my breath only for me to turn around and see him work on what is troubling me. They may not have had the child swell their bellies, but they wanted this just as much as you did. They do, in fact, want to help and be a part of it all. They'll have bad days of frustration and exhaustion too. It's okay. 
7. Mirroring. I've noticed my daughter will mimic me. This is wonderful and terrifying. What is she picking up on? My frustrations with the dogs? My bad eating habits? My love of Amazon prime? It's sweet but also makes me aware of myself and how I act. It's truly fascinating. 
8. Take time. I have a list in my brain of all the household chores and baby things I need to do in addition to nene's schedule and what I'd like to do. It's madness and silly, forget about it. Time is a precious commodity between work, baby, husband and household time is factored to the minute. So I've started making sure my time is being used wisely. I've cut back on tv time and started reading books in bed at night instead of zoning out on something mindless on Netflix. I always encourage my husband to go out baby free and enjoy time with friends but I never do that myself. So I'm allowing myself to step back. I'm going to schedule that massage I've had a gift certificate for since November, I'm going to spend an evening out. I love being a mom but I also love being me too.
9. Patience is hard. I cry a lot. I cry over exhaustion, I cry over frustration, I cry over my physical changes, I cry over the future, I cry over the past. It's hard to remain patient with a child. They can't tell you what's wrong they can't explain why they don't like something. I know I'm tired I know I'm so tired I can't feel my face but my kid doesn't understand that so I need to remind myself to stay calm. It's just a day. It's just one day. 
10. Acceptance. You can't do it all. Beating yourself up about the things you couldn't get done is maddening. We all do it and we shouldn't. I wanted to do cloth diapers but nene was so difficult and still changing her diaper is an ordeal. So it never fully happened. I wanted from 6 months on for nene to learn sign language but I rarely have a hand free and so things are stalled but I still try. I wanted to make nene her own food but processors are expensive we have no counter space and no dishwasher. Still going to make it work eventually. There are so many things to beat yourself up about as a mom. However, we're moms how awesome is that? We're doing all we can to the best of our abilities. We're sleep deprived, we're hungry, our clothes are never clean for long, but we did something so amazing. Parenting is a lot like finding your way out of a cave in the dark. Missteps, sure. Wounds, every day. We're feeling our way though, trusting our guts and whether we believe it or not we're making progress.

7 Months:

1. Always New Challenges. She's stopped screaming constantly. We are finally seeing a happy baby who doesn't scream for hours on end. But now she's mobile. But now we have to baby proof. But now we're feeding her solids and that's a whole other realm of opinions and decisions and work.
2. Your Kid Is The Best And The Worst. She's SO happy now she laughs and smiles and I'm like "oh is this what babies are like? No wonder people love them." Then she refuses sleep. I don't think I've gotten more than 5 hours of sleep a night since she was born. She'll go down after 30-45 minutes of fighting against it with her eyes closed. Then she'll stay down for 3 hours. Rinse, repeat for 7 months.
3. I'm Still Recovering. Guess who still can't jump rope and run? This gal! There are still some things I can't do. Having a baby is a slow slow slow recovery. My hormones are still making me feel crazy (why am I crying during this credit card commercial?). My body is still making me think I'm pregnant (I'm just going to indulge that gelato craving). However, I am making progress and I'm recognizing these situations and I'm working through them and I'm learning.
4. My Body's A Wonderland? It's amazing what a woman's body will go through to bear a child. Truly. It's amazing how hard we can be on ourselves after we have a child. This past month I worked on acceptance. I'm doing everything I can for my body time, energy levels and abilities allowing. I do not have a pre-baby body. I did not "snap back" I do not feel fully confident. I am, however, fully accepting this body of mine. I feel I am beautiful and even sexy. Why? Because I'm strong.
5. New Mom Guilt Can Suck It. As a new mom you are bombarded with opinions, research, advice but most importantly guilt. I'm learning with every new age and development and change there is a whole new set of reasons to feel guilty or feel you're doing something wrong. At 7 months we're doing solids and trying to sleep train... Google those things and you will see such a varying amount of suggestions it's overwhelming. It's impossible to wade through all the shit. Especially because what works for some moms won't work for all moms. What one baby loved another baby will refuse. It's amazing how much crap is expected and thrown out at new moms. The biggest, most annoying guilt for me is the fitness guilt. All these videos of moms working out with their babies. Eff that noise. 
6. It's So Easy to Work Out With a New Baby (sarcasm). I was very fit before getting pregnant and even during my pregnancy. I actually lost a lot of weight right after giving birth but started to gain with the breastfeeding hunger and the sedentary lifestyle of being almost bedridden for 6 weeks. It's hard to get back into the groove and if you have a particularly difficult child like mine those stupid videos of moms working out with babies are asininely absurd. My body is what it is love it or leave it I'm doing all I can. The fact it's shoved down my throat that this mom looks great and had a baby or this mom works out in-between feedings is absolutely a horrible thing to make a mom feel guilty about. I'm not perfect. Don't expect perfection. Our bodies did some messed up stuff to have this kid don't make me feel bad for my body.
7. Do Not Call a New Mom Lazy. Ever. If I get a nap (super rare) it's only because my kid is SLEEPING ON ME and it's usually because she only allowed me 4 hours of sleep the night before. If my house is a mess, guess what? It's because my kid screams bloody murder when I turn on the vacuum or she screams bloody murder when I'm not holding her or she screams bloody murder because I'm not making direct eye contact with her. Is it really worth listening to my child scream for 20 minutes so I can clean or so I can use the bathroom and/or eat? I'd rather eat than clean when it comes to the ticking time bomb that is my daughter and her very strong lungs. I would love a clean house. Truly. My house drives me absolutely insane but at the end of the day the dishes are always done and for me that's enough. If I could afford a maid I'd hire one in a heartbeat. If my daughter wasn't an attention monster I would love to be able to put her down in her pack and play and dust and vacuum and sweep and mom. This is not my lot in life. I've accepted it. You should too. You also shouldn't judge me.
8. Exceptions To The Rule. Oh you went into parenting with all these ideas of my kid's never going to watch TV and we're going to go on long hikes and we're going to walk everywhere and she's only going to eat organic foods that I've made myself and she's never going to want for anything... Yeah. No. You will go against yourself a lot. Don't feel GUILTY for changing your parenting goals. I'm exhausted so sometimes I do put youtube on the big TV and let her zone out on the flashing colors so I can fold laundry. I bought gerber all naturals so she can eat "solids." I've given her avocado from a restaurant! There are days we don't leave the house because she took a nap at 5pm and I decided to nap with her or do laundry or the dishes or sweep. Babies are great and if nothing else they teach you patience and tolerance. Don't beat yourself up if things aren't exactly how you want them to be. Odds are they won't remember.
9. Love is Stronger than Sleep Deprivation (But only for so long). My kid doesn't sleep. I mean sure she sleeps but the longest is 5 hour chunks. Usually it's between 2-3 hours and she'll fight me for 30 minutes to an hour before going down for that. Typically once she initially goes down for the night I do the dishes and then she's up about 2-3 hours after I actually fall asleep. I'm very much living off caffeine and riding the adreline wave to remain conscious. To the moms with kids that actually sleep ENJOY IT! Revel in it! I would almost take the screaming constantly back if it meant she would sleep for 8 hours straight. When she smiles and laughs and coos and talks to me it makes the lack of sleep seem so so worth it. It’s surprising how functional you can be with minimal sleep (says the girl who left her diaper bag/purse in a Walmart shopping cart).
10. Again Kids Are Not For Everyone. I never wanted kids. I was adamant about not having them. My first marriage ended because he wanted to have kids and I was 22, just got my bachelor’s and said NO. Then I met Tim and kids didn’t seem so bad. Everyone told me I’d be a great mom. Then we were told we couldn’t have kids. I resigned myself to that. Then I got pregnant. KIDS CHANGE EVERYTHING. We all think it’s not going to be that different but it is SO DIFFERENT. Guess what even during the day, even if you’re sitting outside, even if the “bar” serves food - YOU CAN’T GO THERE WITH A BABY. You’re too tired to run or walk or hike or swim. You can't let them out of your sight, even for a second because that’s when disaster happens - they fall off the bed, they find an outlet, they find something worse and stick it in their mouth. There is no amount of google that is going to fix a screaming child. You want to buy those new $100 shoes, nope try again that’s got to go towards a babysitter or diapers or formula or a random toy your kid can’t live without but you lost. While kids are amazing and teach you so much about you as a person they are also a lot of everything and they are absolutely not for everyone. Every baby is different, every parent is different and every person has the ability to chose if kids are right for them. Deeply evaluate your mental fortitude and your relationship before having kids.

6 Months:

1. No moment is forever. We had a difficult baby. Ask my family, ask my lactation consultant, ask her two babysitters/aunties. She was a lot. Everyone told us the first month was the hardest. When she still screamed and never slept at 4 weeks they said the first 6 weeks. Then 2 months. Then 4 months. Then finally 6 months. I didn't believe them. I thought this screaming child was forever. I'm so happy to report our screaming bundle of fury now rarely screams and when she does, it's actually for a reason: hungry, wet or tired. Usually tired because she still doesn't sleep much. But it's made me appreciate this new baby so much and I'll never forget how she was. 
2. I understand why people choose not to have children. They are not what you think they're going to be. No books or classes or advice is going to prepare you for your child. They occupy all of you - your thoughts, your time, your arms. This is a commitment far beyond anything you've ever done before. It's a massive sacrifice that isn't for everyone. 
3. Raising a kid without family nearby is painful. I'd give anything to have my family's support and help. It's really hard not having any immediate family close by to watch the baby or help clean or just talk to and you feel so guilty keeping a child from their grandparents. 
4. Your house will be consumed with baby things. It will not just be contained to their room. Toys, bottles, spit up rags will be everywhere as well larger contraptions. Swings, walkers, high chairs all of it, everywhere. Don't fight it. 
5. You feel massively guilty when you can't breastfeed exclusively. I even get jealous, so jealous of other moms. How great would it be to be able to whip out a boob and know that my child will receive enough nourishment. Sadly, that was not in the cards for me and I constantly think about what I could have done to fix this situation. 
6. They make hilarious noises once they start discovering their voice. 
7. When they recognize you from across the room and get excited, it makes you feel like the most important person on earth. 
8. Your body is riggity riggty wrecked, son. You try to be cool with the saggy mismatched boobs, cellulite, stretch marks and the inability to run or jump rope but really you're just accepting that your hips might never return to their former size. It's okay. Your kid is beautiful. 
9. Your patience will grow amazingly thin. With your baby, husband, family, friends, self. Having a kid tests every fiber of your being and you will snap at everyone and you will become overwhelmed and you will beat yourself up. This is totally normal. You will feel like you're losing your mind and the uncertain hormones ricochet around your insides make you feel worse. However, be honest with yourself you and your body and your partner just went through a "trauma" give yourself time and some slack.
10. You're doing an amazing job. There is no manuscript, manual or SOP for raising a kid. As long as you're nurturing them physically, mentally and emotionally you are doing it right. Even if you work and don't get to see them often. If your time together is meaningful, if you're engaged, if your heart swoons when you think about your child then you're doing great and your kid is so lucky to have you as their parent.

5 Months:

1. No comparisons. You, your baby and your parenting skills are all special little snowflakes. Basically, don't think just because a kid isn't screaming at the moment that the parent has a perfect relationship and/or baby. Parenting is hard and the struggle takes many forms. 
2. No substitutes. In that vein, if you happen to have a "difficult" baby, trust yourself. Yes, you might be new to this whole thing but guess what so is your kid and it's you guiding them. I followed every piece of advice given to me for my digestive challenged child and none of it really worked. In the end she just needs to grow out of it. So don't substitute what you think is best for you and your kid. 
3. Exhaustion is real. Your child will teach you all about it. 
4. Your life will change, completely. I kept telling myself things wouldn't change. I'll still hike and work out and go out. I think it's something all first time parents convince themselves. But a baby needs you. Constantly. All the time. Don't fight the change. Embrace it. I've dropped out of a lot of stuff simply because I'm too tired.
5. It's not a competition. Neither you nor your partner has it "easier" or "harder" you're both doing the best you can. Also, it's not a competition with other moms. Your kid is your kid. Don't compare and don't compete. 
6. When they laugh the world melts away. 
7. A lot of things will take a back seat. Your pets. Cooking. Cleaning. Friends. Work. Try not to stress out about it. Your focus should be this new life you brought into the world. 
8. Two steps forward, two steps back. She's starting to become more mobile and vocal which makes her excited about expressing herself and it makes her a little less fussy. But now she requires even more attention, interaction and she's still a fusspot.
9. Anything that takes you away from your kid for an extended period of time is heartbreaking. 
10. You're tired, your life has completely changed, a tiny person controls every minute of every day whether they're with you or not, you're unwashed, stressed out, trying to balance everything, missing your friends, missing your life, missing the freedom to go for a random weekend trip or just be able to sleep in but somehow you still love it immensely.

4 Months: 

1. Time is molasses no it's quicksand! When your in the thick of it with a tricky baby it seems like time stands still. Every sleepless night is endless. Every screaming fit lasts forever. But really in the grand scheme of their life this day, week, month is fleeting. Find the good moments and treasure them.
2. Returning to work is impossibly hard! Not hard how you think. Yes, I spent the first 2 days crying in the bathroom at my job, however it was the balance I found impossible. I'm still struggling to get to work on time and contribute 100% and I've been back to work almost a month. I miss my child when I'm at the office but I sacrifice a lot to work - sleep, time, sleep, eating, sleep. It's a very tricky balance that's not easily accomplish. Kudos to you parents keeping it real and providing for your families.
3. Exhaustion isn't a strong enough word! (repeat from last month) With returning to work, those sleepless nights while your child goes through a growth spurt or teethes or is just generally uncomfortable are compounded when your alarm goes off at 6am and you try desperately to soothe your child while dashing out to work. 
4. I miss my pregnant belly. Not for the reasons you think. I do not miss being pregnant with my fat ankles that constantly got rolled and my interesting waddle. I miss being able to wear whatever I want and not worrying if I looked okay in it. I had a giant belly and no one could say anything about me being giant because I was pregnant. I was very body confident during that last trimester whereas now I'm like what can I wear to hide the deflated balloon that is my belly. 
5. Your hair might fall out. It's true. Google it. My hair was coming out in chunks once my kid turned 6 weeks. Technically your hair is supposed to just thin out as your hormones rebalance themselves but I have bald spots I'm hiding. IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU! 
6. Get back out there! I find myself slowly emerging from "baby hibernation." For the first 3 months it was baby, me, house, dogs all just mashed together and no one was allowed in and no one was allowed out. I find myself willingingly trying to get out there and do more whether it's with other moms, friends or honestly by myself I just need to get out. Nene likes fresh air, the dogs like walks. Just move! 
7. Let people help. This one I still struggle with. I don't let my husband help, I don't let my friends help. The minute she cries I thnk it falls on me and me alone. I don't ask my husband to do chores (though when I do he gets them done) I'm martyring myself for NO REASON! It's childish (see what I did there?). Release yourself from thinking you have to do it all yourself and let your partner, friends or even hired help, HELP! Let go and let love. 
8. You do you. People will always have advice/concerns/ideas it's frustrating sometimes to be constantly told what you SHOULD be doing. But hey, this only means it's showing you that people care. Don't blow a gasket (I blew many and I'm sorry friends and family if I came across as a super mega-bitch). Deep breaths, the advice givers only want to help. You will do what works best for you and only you and your child. Do what you can when you can.
9. You mad? Having a new baby is frustrating for all parties involved. Your kid is still getting used to you outside of the womb. You're getting used to running on minimal sleep and avoiding dairy so as not to give your child gas through your breast milk. Life is about changes and adjusting. So take your time and know that every hard day or week or month is not forever. It will change, you will change, your baby will definitely change. Do your best not to get angry and yell. I lose it sometimes and my baby feels my aggression and it influences her mood.
10. Join a mom group. Seriously. My lactation group has reinforced that I am not a crazy person and my child is not the most difficult baby on earth. She is in fact very normal and I'm normal and everything is fine. We all have bad days, even newborns. Joining a group has been an amazing source of camaraderie, tips, tricks, advice and comfort. 

We as a family still have such a long way to go but I love my bubbling, difficult, scream-tastic child. Every parent says they didn't know they could love this much and while it is kind of a weird phrase it is true. I also didn't know I had this amount of patience within me. My child is just that, my child and I am so grateful Tim and I could be her parents and I'm so happy for the moments she smiles at me.

3 Months:

1. This too shall pass. I didn't believe it. I thought people were lying to me. The first 6 weeks are the hardest but my child was still fussy so people started saying the first 2 months are the hardest then the first 3 months then the first 6 months. They change so fast. 
2. Every week is a new baby. However your kid acts one week it won't be repeated. They seem to be one night only acts. Their sleep cycle changes, their awake attitude is different. Just when I think I have her all figured out she's different. 
3. Pumping sucks. I hate it. I do it. But not frequently enough. My kid rarely sleeps and only recently is awake and not screaming every conscious moment. So unless she's content with staring at her mobile or being in her swing for 20 minutes pumping is a no go. 
4. Exhaustion isn't a strong enough word. She changes and you have to adapt. Oh you wanted to get those dishes washed? Well, she's only going to be asleep for 30 minutes so choose your activities wisely. I know this will be double awful once I return to work. 
5. Don't travel alone. As much as I loved being home in hawai'i for 2 weeks. Flying and being the only one for her in the middle of the night was really hard. You don't realize how much you rely on your partner when you're the only one getting up at 2am trying not to wake the whole household. Did I mention my kid rarely sleeps. 
6. They grow fast. I look at her tiny ears and her long legs and remember them being so delicate but now just 3 months in their bigger, fatter, longer. Kinda breaks my heart to see her change so much. 
7. Don't lose yourself. I have, over the past 3 months, pretty much cut myself off from everyone and everything that was me. No more gym (they won't let her in daycare until she's 6 months old), no more easy going nights out, no more hula. I have indeed lost a bit of myself for the sake of my child. We have turned my home into a cave and we barely leave it. It's the same rooms over and over again. I needed to get out more. She needed to get out more. I needed to show her what her mama is made of. 
8. I'm jealous of the moms with easy children and ample milk supply. I can't say anything bad about the parents who have it "easy" this time around. I wish my child at 3 months would sleep 6+ hours straight. I wish she was a happy bubbly child that only screamed out of necessity and was able to self soothe and be entertained easily. I wish I could breastfeed exclusively. I wish my freezer and fridge were full of pumped bottles. This was not my lot. Instead I was challenged. It makes me appreciate every ounce of breastmilk and every minute of silence or of happiness from my sweet child. Doesn't make me any less envious.
9. Stop telling me to "Sleep when the baby sleeps, " or that you had children late in life (meaning in your 30s). I'm 32 and just had my first child. If I sleep when my child sleeps when would I eat? Bathe? Who will do laundry? The dishes? My husband works 8-12 hours a day depending. He comes home anywhere between midnight and 4am. It's not optimal times for cleaning. 
10. Having a child is disgusting, filthy, stressful, exhausting, frustrating and maddening but it is the greatest experience I've ever known. You will have in depth conversations about poop colors. You will get spit up in your hair, mouth, eyes and everywhere else. You will get peed, pooped, farted and burped on. You will be screamed at and woken up when you've just fallen asleep. When they smile, laugh, follow you with their eyes, even sometimes when they cry, you can't help but fall more and more in love. The thought of never having this little person in your life seems unfathomable.

2 Months:

1. Everyone has an opinion, piece of advice or experience to contribute to how to raise your child. 
2. Having a colicky/fussy baby is not the end of the world. There are much worse things. 
3. Having low milk supply is also not the end of the world. Some breastmilk is better than no breastmilk. 
4. TV shows and movies don't know shit about having a kid. 
5. Sleep when the baby sleeps is the most well intended worst advice ever. 
6. Kids can be a bright silver lining in a really dark cloud. 
7. Cherish the moments when things go right and everyone is calm. 
8. Stay calm. 
9. You'd be surprised how quickly your lady times can return. 
10. No matter what kind of mom you are - single, adoptive, furbaby - you're doing great and never let someone make you feel otherwise.

1 Month:

1. Newborns cry. 
2. When you get a newborn to stop crying you feel like a god.
3. People don't care you're a new parent and are generally not sympathetic to your screaming child. 
4. Breastfeeding does not "come naturally" or easy to everyone. 
5. The minute your baby falls asleep on you, you will have to go to the bathroom or reach for the remote/book or move in someway. 
6. Pumping after a feeding is impossible. 
7. Family is awesome. 
8. So many things can go wrong, be grateful for the things going right. 
9. It's okay to cry and be a nervous, disheveled wreck. 
10. Shitty things will happen. So will spit up things, umbilical hernia things, screaming red faced hour long things, no sleeping things and snot things. You'll survive them all. 
11. You'll never love anything as much as your child. 
12. You'll talk to a newborn a lot and hope they truly don't understand what you're saying. Especially in the car, on L.A. freeways. 
13. The 40 weeks of cultivation and labor, the fussiness and screaming, the funny faces and dirty diapers are all totally worth every second that child is in your life.

I Give Up

There are days where I just give up. I’m not what everyone wants me to be. I’m not what I expected of myself. Becoming a mom changed my life so drastically, so quickly, so devastatingly that I’m still, now merely adjusting to the ever-changing pattern that is my new life.

I watch other parents enjoying their children. Talking about their routines and how their kid sleeps through the night at 5 months. I look at my kid, food splattered, fussy, squirming. They see the bags under my eyes. They see the trouble I have catching my breath. Behind these tired eyes is a brain that has not stopped calculating things since it was awoken from its bare minimum level of sleep.  It’s risk analyzing, compromising, and falling short.

There are so many different things to measure up to today. My baby eats foods I didn’t mash myself, non-organic veggies and formula. That makes me a bad mom, right? My kid has “screen time” and I don’t always “engage” with her. That makes me a bad mom, right? I lose my temper when she’s been screaming for 30 minutes and I can't figure out why. That makes me a bad mom, right? I never cook anymore, my laundry is in baskets and not folded and put away, my house is a minefield of toys and random baby things. That makes me a lazy mom, right? I choose some days to nap with my child (who only gave me 4 hours of sleep the night before) instead of cleaning my house or doing the dishes. That makes me a lazy mom, right?

I watch my non-children friends go to bars, events and they still invite me. I almost always back out unless it’s kid friendly. Why? We don’t have any family near by. We have no form of “free” babysitting. Whatever event you’re inviting me to it may only be $20 to attend but you need to tack on $50-$60 for babysitting.  This addition pretty much prices me out of being able to go to your event. Plus add on the guilt of leaving my child and add on that I’m still somewhat breastfeeding (what I can produce) so I won’t drink. 

Social media is a joke. It’s not Mother’s Day unless you post about it. It’s not your anniversary unless you announce it. I see people doing cleanses, special diets and posting recipes. Half the time I’m eating some reheated crap over the kitchen sink while my child throws food at me and you want me to switch to Paleo? You think I should try this diet that requires I spend money I don’t have on products or only organic foods or only meat free from hormones? I don’t have time to boil veggies and mash them down into palatable food for my child but you think I have time to make a smoothie for myself ? Or meal prep? Or cook and eat only free range chicken on a bed of organic roasted vegetables? Those that do have diets that they actually stick to I applaud you. Right now if I get any food in my gullet I see it as a win. 

My other mom friends are battling their own routine issues or are working moms equally exhausted at the end of the day or are stay at home moms doing outings while I’m at work and unavailable once I’m free. Some moms seem so much more settled in life than me. They have careers and make decent money while I’m still struggling in the dirt rubbing my two pennies together.  Their children seem to make sense and are almost rational human beings. They have a bedtime routine that works. They don’t have the panic behind their eyes that I do.

There is this insane amount of pressure and new mom guilt. An over abundance of  “do this not that.” A weird amount of comparing one mom to another. This mom is already working out and running marathons. Maybe you should get off the couch. This mom still cooks dinner every night. Maybe you should time manage better. This mom doesn’t leave the house without her hair washed. Maybe you should get up earlier to clean yourself up. Good for those mom. Here’s what I’ve figured out: It’s okay to give up on what is “expected” of you.  To give up on your home looking perfect. To give up on friends that don’t understand the new stress you’re under. To give up on being anywhere on time.  To give up on pristine outfits. To give up on seeing the new releases in the theaters. To give up on being the perfect mother. There is no such thing. 

It’s not okay to give up on your kid or your path as a mother. There is no one correct way to raise a kid and no two kids are exactly alike. You go into parenting with the absolute best intentions and you somehow, someway make exceptions. Give up on whatever you need to so you can adjust your focus to what truly matters now: that screaming rebel child that wants you to pick her up.

First Mother's Day

I wasn't sure how this day was going to hit me. Would I be overcome with emotions? Would I be sad? Would I be happy? It was hard to tell. Mother's Day is a loaded phrase for me. Last year, when I was 5 months pregnant my husband tired to make it special for me. I was wracked with fear. I didn't believe I would get to meet this baby growing inside of me. I was certain this thing that I wanted so badly was going to be ripped away from me. I thought about my mother and tried in vain to remember what I did for her the last Mother's Day she was breathing.

On September 27th, 2015 at 22 minutes before midnight, Naneki came screaming out of me. I was so very happy I got to meet this little version of Tim and I. When I lost my mother at 13 to a slow leak brain aneurysm, I told myself if I ever had a girl I'd name her after my mom, Nancy who went by Naneki. Tim and I were told we couldn't have kids and after a year of attempting just that feat we were starting to believe our doctors.

Naneki's due date was September 26th. At first I didn't think much of this date. Then my older sister said "How great would if be if she was born on mom's birthday?" It took me a minute to register, to remember. My mom's birthday was September 27th, 1947. The day I went into labor, my father, who flew in from Hawaii, was actually in Seattle attending my uncle's memorial. My best friend, Francie was in Sacramento for a wedding and my Mother-in-Law was certain I'd be late and wasn't able to get out of work early to leave Boston. I knew. I knew she was going to come on my mother's birthday. It was just so cosmically obvious. I also knew it would be while everyone was out of town.

Here I sit, holding my 7.5 month old daughter, who has my mother's name, who was born on my mother's birthday and I can't help but feel grateful. Nene has not been an easy child. Not by a long shot. While perfectly and beautifully healthy, she has had a laundry list of issues. She fights sleep like she's some kind of opponent in a Rocky Balboa film. In the early months, her gas and acid reflux made her scream for hours on end. I was very scared to leave my house with her. Things have mellowed out a bit in the last month or so. She's developing like crazy crawling, pulling herself up to standing, experimenting with free standing and relying on balance. She talks, she mimics, she fake sneezes and coughs. She actually smiles and laughs these days. Something we didn't see much of in the few breaks from the screaming when she was a newborn.

My husband is in the kitchen making me breakfast. My dogs are nestled beside me. I hold my daughter tightly and all I feel is thankful. Life could be so much worse. While I don't have my mother physically with me anymore, I can look back on how she handled us 4 girls. I can pull from those memories and carry on those odd songs, those silly responses to questions and that loving attitude. I don't know if every Mother's Day I will feel this appreciative. I'm pleased that this year, my first year, I'm able to reflect and enjoy my trials and tribulations as a mom. Maybe next year I will be sad and remember my mom or I will be stressed out and missing the point. This year. This year, though. I am happy that I have had the opportunity to be mom to this squealing, screaming, laughing ball of me.

Happy Mother's Day to all you veteran moms, first time moms, short lived moms and grandmas. You're more important to someone than I think you'll ever realize.

Looks Like Rain

My mother had such faith that I would be a good mother. That I would be good at this thing called life. As I sit on my couch 27 weeks pregnant. As I struggle. My mom enters my thoughts a lot. She had four kids, all girls, all about three years apart. She had her first when she was 33 and didn't stop until she was 42. She died at 49.

Through most of my life, I've felt like I let her down. I'm the only one to leave Hawaii. I got an education and still only make $30K/year. I'm in my second marriage. I made horrible life decisions. I honestly never thought I would have a kid. In fact, until I was about 27 I never actually WANTED kids.

Yet here I am, life growing inside of me at a rapid rate. Three months to go, almost 7 months down. I rely on my mother, a lot. She's not here physically but I think about how she handled us girls, how we each managed to have her undivided attention at times, how she shaped us. It's really hard to wrap my head around the fact she won't meet her granddaughter. I do think, however, that she had her hand in all this. Naneki (Nancy in Hawaiian, which was my mother's name) is due a day before my mother's birthday.