Divorce is for Quitters?

For those who haven’t gone through a divorce, they don’t understand its importance when it’s over. While a wedding is supposed to be the bonding of two souls for eternity, sometimes it doesn’t go that way. Divorce seems to have become a rite of passage in this country. What once was considered taboo is now widely accepted, kind of like birth control. Divorce is never easy or looked back on with joy, but it’s a new fact of life that touches almost 50 percent of Americans.

In my case, I got married a month after I turned 18 and after 5 years of marriage we were just heading in different directions. No matter how amiable the break up is, it’s not easy. It’s dissolution of marriage. A breaking of vows. A plunge into the unknown. Even if you are the initiator of the divorce it’s hard. You waiver, question yourself and are in pain. You have to civilly divide up all the things you collected and loved as a married couple, all the wedding gifts, the money, then there’s alimony, kids, pets, cars, etc. It’s horrible and it’s dragging both people through the mud. It can get really petty and kind of ridiculous. Maybe he stipulates that he gets back all the love letters her wrote you, which requires you to find them and then of course you’re going to read them and then you start questioning why this whole thing was put into motion.  

No, it’s not the same as someone who dated for years and “broke-up.” When you’re dating someone it usually doesn’t require a lawyer and a judge to dissolve your union. Also, there’s no legal documentation that you get the couch.  You have to be nice and smile and hope that the other person isn’t going to be an asshole. Okay that part is a lot like a divorce. The main difference is once the divorce is finalized, you’re done and you never HAVE to see that person again. With a break-up, you will probably interact with that person for the next 3 years. You’ll have left a really important CD in his car or he forgot you had his jacket 2 years later. With a divorce, there is no going back, no revisiting. Sure, it may take a year or two to finalize a divorce where both the parties are happy with their stuff and money but once the judge signs that paper what you have are yours and that is that.

A divorce until it is absolutely finished weighs down on you. It changes you. Perhaps you’re more sullen, quiet and contemplative. Maybe instead you’re more into bars and parties and want to use any method to escape the fact. It’s hard for you to focus on much else because you’re thinking a million things at once – Am I doing the right thing? What if he demands his ring back and we have to go through another revision? Will he give me the tool box? I hope he doesn’t fight for the dog? I hope he doesn’t hate me? Do I hate him? Will I be okay on my own? Why did we get married in the first place? Oh yeah, that’s right that was a very sweet moment in my life. It goes on and on until the judge signs the paper and you’re done and then for whatever reason the sun shines brighter and the sky seems bluer. All those questions, all the worrying, all the fretting and cursing and crying and emptiness vanish because if nothing else that part of your life is done and you can, willingly, finally move on.

My divorce required a year separation and then it took 2 months to finalize the divorce papers and get it signed by a judge. A year is a long time to look at your marriage in review. It’s stressful and horrible and makes you feel like your life is amiss, like you did something wrong. When my divorced papers came in the mail, I went to my favorite local bar and drank and drank. I didn’t tell people why. Even though I initiated the separation I hadn’t planned for divorce. I was happy and sad all at the same time but having the papers heavy in my hands gave me the kick in my pants I needed to move on with my life. There was no going back to the way things were. I was surprisingly okay with it and found the next week granted me the ability to revel in the little joys of life. No more questions.

To those with the signature of a judge drying on your papers or to those still in the process of getting there, I raise my glass to you. It’s a long, hard road but this is the moment your life begins anew. Enjoy it and don’t take it for granted.

Pissing and Moaning

Once in awhile (sometimes more often than not) we just get those days where the weight of the world bears down on our chests. Where all the little things going wrong join forces and becomes one major weight and we wake up drowning. Today is one of my days like that. It’s like the all-day feeling of “did I leave the stove on?” Except it’s how will I ever find the money to pay things off and enjoy life?

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It’s not wanting to look at your bank account because you don’t want to see the measly $5 to last you until payday.  It’s falling in love with a Flying R/C Shark only to regret the purchase because that money could have gone towards any one of a trillion bills. Its feeling overweight, underpaid and more importantly you feel like you can’t breathe. Life presents a crushing, fatal heart aching defeat. You feel trodden under bills, wants, desires, dreams, obligations, expectations, impulses and pain. You don’t want to disappoint anyone. You want to enjoy the moment but in the back of your mind you’re calculating how you will ever be able to pay for this thing called life. You made some mistakes maybe, burned through some reserve cash. Maybe not even that you bought something necessary – a car, a house, a wedding and it’s when the total cost comes in the mail you realize, what have I done?

That was my feeling this morning as I poured over sites looking for affordable airfare to Orlando for my husband’s 30^th birthday. Then the button on my $70 jeans fell out, then the cost of the Orlando trip started adding up in my head as my car payments, large credit card debt and sad salary tagged themselves into the death match. Then the budget I set up to try and give my husband and I a cushion for his release from the Navy jumped in with a folding chair and started pinning me against the ropes. It was a day of defeat, of wanting to forego work to play Tetris online or maybe Scrabble. A day of wanting to cry bitter tears into a vat of chocolate flavored fat to console my fatty brain and soothe the money woes. A day of wanting to gripe and moan and cry over what went wrong.

Ah, love the great defeater of pain.

Instead of all that depression, I took a later lunch and jogged/walked 2 miles with my dog in the sunshine. My outlook is better. Sometimes you have to look not at the things that need to happen but at the things that are happening. I am lucky in many ways and foolish in other ways. I’ve learned life is a great bamboozler if you let it be. But I will pay down my debt, I will have a wonderful time in Orlando for my husband’s 30^th birthday and I will buy new jeans … While we’re at it I will lose weight and I will get a raise at work.  Life has a lot of ups and downs, shadows and sunshine it’s all where you stand and how far you want to walk. My journey’s not over yet.