I am awful at being a mother. Allow me to explain. I pre-make my child's formula bottles. Why? Because I can never get the powder to break up and I find if it sits awhile it tends to mix easier. Also, when my child is even remotely bordering on hungry she screams, bloody murder, continuously until she is fed. It's easier for me to heat up a bottle in 35 seconds then sit there stirring, stirring, stirring while my child is screaming, screaming, screaming. I microwave my child's bottles. I never did it when it was breast milk but for formula bottles, yes. I used to heat them up on a stove but after a bottle melting incident it's just been our low powered microwave. I heat up my entire child's bottle in the microwave. That's right nipple and all. It's never melted in fact no one ever told me you were supposed to disassemble a bottle to heat it up. That's totally on me though, right? My child will drink a formula bottle that's been out of the fridge for up to 3 hours. Really? Some magical fairy is going to turn the formula bottle bad in exactly 60 minutes? Nope, she's eaten probably gross old formula bottles and has yet to have gotten sick from it. When you end up somehow passing out with your child and you wake up 2 hours later with them clutching your pretty much dry boobs, it's either get out of bed which, that 2 hours is the most sleep you've gotten in awhile or give her the rest of the bottle you used to put her down. I choose bottle. Sometimes we have formula bottles in the fridge that are more than 24 hours old. Blasphemy, I know. Formula is expensive. If you think I'm going to dump $5 down the drain because it's been sitting in a cold fridge for 36 hours instead of 24 hours, you're wrong. I kept her in her infant car seat until she reached the weight limit. I know, I'm the worst. You know what I did this morning. I tried to adjust the straps on her convertible car seat. You know what ended up happening? Both my child and I cried. Her from begin tired and me from being confused with blistered fingers. I have the instructions. I followed them. You have to pop up the seat part like the fucking hood of a car. I officially hate car seats. Want to know why Nene and I haven't been to visit our family in Seattle yet? It's because no one has a car seat we can borrow. The thought of being in the airport pick up lane installing and adjusting a car seat sounds like honestly the worst time a person can have. Her infant "bucket" car seat was easy, compact and simple. The heavy duty convertible one makes me feel like I'm a fucking idiot. Some days she has A LOT of screen time. I have major stuff I need to get done - school work, contract work, house work. There are just days I need an hour maybe 2 where she's not clinging to me like the sinking ship I am. I have yelled at her. I felt awful the minute I do it but I get fed up and frustrated and I scream and I'm working on not doing that. I'm working on silent screaming. We still use a baby bjorn. yadda yadda hips yadda yadda baby wearing yadda yadda. It's easy. It's comfortable.
It is for all these reasons that I know I make a truly awful mother. However, my kid is very much alive, extremely healthy and hitting all of her milestones perfectly. Rolled over at 4 months, crawled at 5 months and is now walking at 11 months. She likes to look at books I read her at least 3 a day. We go to the park once a day. She's happy, she's healthy and I'm awful for it.
There are several times a day I regret becoming a parent. There are several times a day I couldn't imagine being anything other than Nene's mother. However there are moments - when she has a cold, is teething and won't stop crying - where I seriously doubt that I have done the right thing in my life. These moments are quickly overshadowed by sublimely blissful moments when my child talks gibberish to me with a smile or walks for the first time or snuggles close to me. It doesn't mean those regretful moments don't exist. I have spent hours in my bathroom or car ugly crying while my child sleeps. I have been frustrated and upset and depressed.
You are not going to please everyone all the time. Advice and offenses keep rolling in. It doesn't matter how old your kid gets there's always going to be something you're doing wrong. Or someone to tell you there's a better way to do it. There's always going to be family who gets upset, who feels slighted. I might have been misleading. I do have family somewhat close by I have a cousin, his wife and their 2-year-old in Orange, CA about 40 minutes away without traffic/hour and a half with traffic. I have an aunt and uncle that live in Oceanside, CA about an hour and a half away without traffic maybe 2-3 hours with heavy traffic. I do love this family, I've gone to several dinners at my cousin's house in Orange and an overnight trip with Nene in Oceanside. My cousin has his own little one and I know children are children and require a lot of work, attention and energy. My aunt and uncle would have to drive 2 hours to get to our house, not really the easiest feat. When I say I miss my family and I don't have anyone close by, what I mean is, it's just Tim and I with the day-to-day. So to people I have offended with my comments, notes on parenting or frustrations where I lash out, I'm sorry.
I Don't Know How Stay At Home Moms Do It. I've been with my daughter day in and day out for 5 weeks. I'm finding when I spend at least a few hours a day away from my kids holy moly do I appreciate my time with her a lot more. I don't know how you stay at home moms do it without losing it a bit. Kudos.
Being a Parent Is Hard. I think initially every new parent doesn't realize The Change that comes with having a kid. When they're still baking, you make yourself all these promises. Tell yourself it's not going to change you but it does. Life changes in so many ways. It's beautiful, depressing, amazing, gross and frustrating. These first 11 months I thought I could turn it around. Clearly, by the time she's a year I would have lost all my baby weight (nah, I'm still gaining). I would be back into my fitness (I'm exhausted). I'd be able to hang out with friends again (as long as they're okay with me being an hour late to everything). I thought by the time she was a year old life would be settled or almost back to normal. Instead, my husband and I take turns "representing the couple" at friend's events. A lot of what we get invited to isn't baby friendly. We find ourselves weighing the costs of things - dinner, movie and a sitter or event and a sitter or tickets, parking and a sitter. If we do make it to something we have to keep in mind the cost of having someone watch our kid. There's also the fact I will text them mercilessly about my kid.
I Absolutely Hate Missing Bed Time. I don't know what it is or when that started to happen. But Nene and I have a pretty good bedtime routine and when I miss it I get really sad about it. Some weird thing where I want to be the last person she sees. I want to hold her and she falls asleep. I want to make sure she's equal parts tired and full but not too full.
Milestones Brings Challenges. Nene is cutting her 3rd and 4th tooth, she's walking more and more. She's eating solids more and more. It's great. I actually like her being on 2 legs. She's much too fast as a crawler (though I know that soon she'll be a much too fast walker/runner). With these awesome advances comes sleeping issues, projectile vomiting, attitude and a level of insane helicopter moming I'm not comfortable with. At first, I thought her vomiting was something wrong with her until I had other moms say their kid did it too and it's a phase. She's not upset before or after the vomiting but she will vomit... a lot and then be fine. She's also an extreme sassy pants. It's frustrating and also funny. She's a lot like me and all I can think is I'm such a dick.
Shopping For a Little Girl is The Funnest. I really wanted a boy. I'm one of 4 girls and I really wanted a boy. I'm so glad I got a girl. The clothes! THE CLOTHES!!! The ponytails and tutus. I'm in cuteness overload and I didn't even think I'd be so into this.
Baby Gibberish is my New Favorite Language. Though not romantic, baby gibberish is the cutest language ever. She will sit down, open a book and pretend read (usually while the book is upside down) and it is hilarious, adorable and makes my heart all mushy.
You Do You. They'll Do Them. My kid is a water baby. Fanatical about water and swings and dogs but mostly water. I've started always carrying a spare outfit (often times 2). If it's not the water, it's the dirt. If It's not the dirt, it's the food. If It's not the food, it's something else equally messy and funny. I love that she explores and I let her. I showed her how to get off the couch and bed safely. I watch her a lot but she's curious and so I let her touch ALL THE THINGS. I let her play in water, pick up dirt, throw food. Be a kid. Is it more work for me? Yep. But I have found that though there's bits of me in her, she's a creature all her own. I can't make her be me, she's already LIKE me. She's going to figure things out and develop her own likes and dislikes. It's my job to make sure she's safe, healthy and eventually respectful. Right now though, I'm trying to rediscover myself. Life after a baby is different but I've found I need to stick with the things that I enjoy. I can't lose myself entirely in the baby. It's not fair to her and it's not fair to me. She deserves better. I'm working on me with a baby on my hip. I'm re-discovering my passions. I'm falling back in love with myself. I love her so much but I need to love myself too.
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